What if she died? How would I be able to live with myself? Maybe if she and I had never hooked up in the first place, it wouldn’t have come to this.
Casting one last longing glance toward the tray of coke on the table, I stood up. Placing my beer on the coffee table as I turned toward the door. “Yeah, I’m coming.”
I sat in the back seat of Codie’s SUV trying to wake myself up from this nightmare. The drive to the hospital gave me more time to spiral. Ripley and I hadn’t known each other long. We’d always been aware of one another. Only recently did we get the chance to get to know each other a little better. What I’d discovered was that I wanted to keep getting to know her. To find out if maybe there was a way for us to fit into each other’s lives.
That may all be over before we even had a chance to get started. I couldn’t deny any longer that I felt drawn to her. Ripley was more to me than a party hook up. I didn’t know how much more. Now I was afraid that I wouldn’t get a chance to find out.
At the hospital I followed Codie as she met up with Athena in the waiting room. Storm and Luna were on their way. Like a zombie, I sat in a chair, staring at the blinding white floor. Tightly gripping the chair arms until my fingers ached.
The girls congregated in a small circle, talking quietly amongst themselves. Stray took the seat next to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Are you okay, man? You look like you’re going to throw up or something.” His teasing nature had vanished, replaced by genuine concern.
“Honestly, I might. I’m not sure yet. It’s just so shocking, you know? I never expected anything like this to happen. Not to her. It should’ve been me.” I meant every word. If it had to happen to someone, it should never have been Ripley.
Stray nodded, taking a moment to choose his next words. “Maybe it’s a good time to think about getting off the junk. A little recreational fun is one thing, but you’ve become a real chronic, Auryn. Take this as a sign that it’s time to make a change.”
Knowing that he was right, I simply nodded. Until I knew that Ripley would be fine, I couldn’t relax. My spine was ramrod straight. My pulse pounding faster than normal. What was taking so fucking long?
It felt like forever before someone came to talk to Athena and the girls. Letting them know that Ripley was recovering in a room. She was in and out of consciousness but stable. My lungs instantly deflated. I slumped in my seat as the worst of the tension left me.
After some discussion with the other girls, Codie approached me, placing a hand on my arm. “Why don’t you go see her first? You can come back and let us know when she’s awake and ready for us.”
I blinked at her in confusion. “Me? Are you sure?”
She nodded. “I think it would mean a lot to Ripley to have you there. And I think it would mean a lot to you as well.”
Pushing to my feet, I wandered the hospital until I came to the room number Codie had given me. Unable to bring myselfto go inside, I stood outside the door, shifting from foot to foot. Maybe I didn’t belong here. Maybe Ripley wouldn’t want to see me after all.
I thought about walking out of the hospital, going home and snorting several lines of blow. That version of me felt safe and comfortable. I’d been doing it so long that it had become part of my identity.
Walking into this room and being there for Ripley would change the persona I had created for myself. The carefree bachelor that got by on random hook ups and way too many drugs. Never taking anything too seriously. Preferring to coast through life without putting myself at risk of getting hurt by cutting off everyone who wasn’t one of my best friends.
I didn’t want to be that guy anymore.
Pushing open the door to find Ripley lying in that hospital bed stopped me in my tracks. Her skin was deathly pale. Her blonde hair a tousled mess. Eyes closed, she appeared to still be unconscious.
When my feet would move again, I made my way to her bedside. Dragging the chair in the corner next to the bed. Not knowing what else to do, I took her frail hand in mine. Simply holding it. Establishing connection through touch.
I wondered if this had been an accidental overdose. Someone like Ripley should know their limits. She seemed to have been doing this for a while now. After what me and the guys went through with Casper and his downward spiral, I couldn’t face that again. Not with her.
“I’m so fucking sorry, baby girl,” I whispered. “I wasn’t trying to control you by chasing Charlie away. In my own screwed up way, I was trying to help you. But you’re right. One addict can’t help another.”
I sat there for a long time, holding her hand. Silently willing her to wake up. To forgive me for my part in this. To tell me what had driven her to this point.
When her eyes finally fluttered open, I sat up straighter. Suddenly struck with nerves. Should I even be here?
“Auryn?” Ripley blinked several times, like she couldn’t believe it was really me.
“Yeah, it’s me. I’m here. I hope that’s okay.”
Her gaze fell to our joined hands. “What happened?”
“You took too many pills. You’re in the hospital. How do you feel? Do you need me to get a doctor or a nurse or something?” I was ready to propel myself out of the chair.
“Fuck,” she muttered. “I remember now. I did take too many. I knew I screwed up as soon as I took them. I can’t believe I did that. You must think I’m an idiot.”
“Are you kidding? I was afraid you did it on purpose. I was worried. We all were.” Gently I stroked my thumb along the back of her hand. Enjoying the way her small hand felt in mine.
