And it’s not just being away from him—he’s gone right now and that’s okay. Because I know I’ll see him soon. I don’t want to be across the country knowing that I may never see him again. It makes me sick to my stomach, but how can that be?
I don’t know, and I guess it doesn’t matter either. All I know is that we need to figure something out. We have to. I can’t go the rest of my life never seeing or speaking to him again. I can’t just forget him—and there’s no way I could forget my time here, as much as I should try.
I shove my hand under my pillow to pull out Nico’s sweatshirt that I sleep with when he isn’t here. I hope like hell he doesn’t try to take it back. If it’s all I’ll have of him, then I’ll need to keep it.
The apartment door opens and closes. Connor pops his head into my room.
“Hey,” he says. “Great fucking game today. Good job with that final goal, man.”
I smile tiredly. “Thank you.”
He comes into my room, leaning against the wall across from me and crossing his legs at the ankle.
“You good?” he asks.
“As good as can be. You?”
He shrugs, looking away like maybe he’s the one who wants to talk about something.
“So,” he begins slowly. “Can I, uh… ask you something?”
“Yeah, of course.”
He clears his throat, running his hand through his hair before saying, “When did you realize you were gay?”
Oh… well, that’s not at all what I was expecting.
“Uh, I’m not really sure. I guess some time in high school? Why do you ask?”
I’m very curious to know why he wants to know because he’s well-known for being a ladies’ man. He’s the one who goes out and parties hard, refusing to settle downever. Maybe he’s upset because I didn’t tell him sooner? It’s not that I was trying to keep it from him, I just didn’t talk about it at all.
“I wasn’t trying to hide it or anything,” I say.
“Yeah, I know that. I’m not mad or anything.”
“Hockey has been my focus for so long, that I just didn’t think of much else.”
“Until recently?”
I think about that for a moment. Kind of? I always knew I wasn’t attracted to girls the way other guys were, but I didn’t make my sexuality a priority. Not when I’ve always had hockey. There’s no need to get into all of that, though.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
I sit up, leaving Nico’s sweatshirt by my pillow. Connor glances at it then at me.
“Why are you asking?” I repeat.
“I, uh…” He clears his throat again. “I think… I am too.”
“Oh,” I say, surprised. “Okay. Uh, why?”
He meets my gaze. “I don’t actually think I need to tell you to promise me you won’t say anything, but it sort of feels like I need to hear it.”
I smirk. “I swear I won’t say a word, Connor. You can trust me.”
“I know I can.” He sits beside me, resting his elbows on his knees. “Or else I wouldn’t be here.” I nod and wait for him to continue. “I’ve been hooking up with guys for years.”
I huff out a disbelieving sound. “Wow. Seriously?”
