But the thought of sleeping on that thin mattress, cold and alone, makes me crave the warmth of his body even more.
I betray my own common sense with my answer.
“Okay,” I agree and watch his eyes light up in satisfaction. “But only if you apologize to Dom.”
No matter how tangled this has become, I know exactly what I’m doing and why.
I’m not just choosing Gavriil for myself. I’m also choosing Dominik’s freedom.
32
Gavriil
I don’t holdAlina’s hand as I lead her to my bedroom, but,fuck, I want to.
And that’s a problem.
Everything that I’ve been doing lately blows up in my face, and I’m too weak to stop it. I’m letting my feelings lead me and I was taught never to do that. That’s how people end up heartbroken, vulnerable, weak, and dead.
I don’t want to become any of those things, but Alina has been steadily chipping away at my defenses ever since we first met. She’s no longer just my brother’s beautiful hostage. She’s become more than that.
It’s too much.
She challenged me in front of my own men, and instead of punishing her, I made her come. Twice. Instead of using her the way I’ve used other women to reclaim control, I pleasuredher.
I wanted her to feel good. I didn’t even think about myself.
Once we enter the bedroom, I shut the door behind us, my heart pounding. I should’ve sent her to Dominik instead of weakening myself further by keeping her to myself. But when she agreed to sleep in my bed tonight, it felt like the biggest win of my life.
Finally, she’s going to sleep in my bed. Willingly.
The first time when she was on death’s door doesn’t count.
“You can borrow one of my sleep shirts if it’s more comfortable,” I offer as I walk over to my dresser.
“Okay,” she says as she pauses near the left side of the bed. “Are you really going to do it? Apologize to Dom?”
“I’m considering it,” I say as I open the drawer and pull out two white t-shirts, one for her and one for me. I walk around the bed and place hers in her hand, our fingers brushing.
“Thanks,” she tells me as she unfolds the shirt, holding it against her smaller figure.
It’ll swallow her, but it’ll be comfortable.
I quietly nod and turn away from her to undo my tie, wishing my heart would stop racing. It’s not that I’m nervous. I’m eager for something that shouldn’t matter at all.
I don’t let women sleep in my bed. Much less with me next to them.
But I don’t want her to be done with me tonight, so I’m going to be selfish and keep her to myself for a little while longer. Being with her is like drinking poison that tastes achingly sweet.
And I want what Dominik had, to just hold her. I never understood the point of such an innocent act before she almost died. Holding her that night, I realized that I would do anything to keep her alive. Any fucking thing. The thought terrified me at first, but it also felt good, like I finally had a worthwhile purpose in my life—protecting her.
It was my fault she got so sick in the first place. Owning up to that truth wasn’t easy.
How do you protect someone when you’re their biggest threat?
I’m beginning to think the only way to do it is for me to let her go.
Just not yet.
