Part Three
Chapter Twenty
Are you there, God?It’s me, Penny
Song: Jackie Blue—TheOzark Mountain Daredevils
June 27th, 1975
We stayed at Darren’s house that night, though I don’t remember how we got there.I couldn’t sleep despite being exhausted.My body was ready for anything.Every slight noise made me twitch.I lay on the Lawrence’s yellow couch, holding my mom while Fawn lay on the floor.
Even though Fawn was born in Darren’s house, she was uncomfortable staying overnight in a place she wasn’t used to.Her eyes had goop in the corners, making her look older and unrested.I scooped away the hardened crust while she turned away from me, looking for James.
“He’s not here, girl.He’s not coming back,” I said.
Despite the situation, Gabriel would not let Darren stay with us.Gabriel was more afraid of our relationship than the fact that James died.
I wondered what Darren was doing.Did he sleep peacefully while I laid in his basement, afraid to get up?My mom finally fell asleep on me after hours of crying.I was done crying.Even if I tried, my eyes couldn’t produce any more tears because they were as dry as the Atacama Desert.
I knew it was morning when I heard Gabriel rummaging through the kitchen cupboards.I pinched my eyelids shut as he peeked down the stairway, and his footsteps echoed back up the wooden steps.My legs were scratched and bruised.I itched the red bumps of scabs and bug bites with my fingernails.
Gabriel’s lowered voice said, “I know you want to be there for her, but now is not the time.She needs to figure this out alone.You are too young to be getting into a serious relationship!”
“I will do what I want.Penny needs me, and don’t act like this isn’t about you wanting me to be focused on taking care of your kids.”
“Death is not easy, son.She won’t be herself.Don’t make this about your siblings or me.This is about you.Not to mention that you were out all night with her!I am not stupid.I know what teenagers do alone.”
“You don’t know anything about me or what I do!”Darren yelled.
“Be quiet.You’ll wake the poor girl up,” Gabriel said.
Darren huffed as he checked on me.
I compressed my eyelids together harder.I needed to sleep.At least then, I wouldn’t have to deal with everything.Darren’s family used to adore me.I helped around the house, got Darren to be more involved with his siblings, and was polite.All of a sudden, his dad didn’t like me because I lost someone.Things were so screwed up.
After Darren left, I thought about the day before.I thought about dancing with him as Jesse Young and the Matches played.I thought about how alive I felt.But everything had changed.I was a zombie, barely awake.James died.It had only been one night since the cabin fell to the ground.It had to be a dream.All of it couldn’t be real.My mind drifted into a deep slumber, praying that I wasn’t in real life.Please be fantasy, I begged.
****
When I woke, it wastime to take action.Even after sleeping for hours, I was not well rested.Darren made me a bowl of peaches and cream.I gnawed on the edges of the mushy peach slices, but I couldn’t bring myself to eat them.When someone dies, everyone around you caters to you.Lots of people brought us food.I wanted to be left alone.Instead, I was presented with gifts and sweets when I couldn’t stomach eating a single peach slice.
I sat at Lawrence’s unusually long dining table, which typically held their nine-person family.Gabriel and his wife, Susan, sat on one end while my mother and I sat on the other.Gabriel clasped his hands together on the surface of the counter.Darren’s siblings were nowhere to be seen.I assumed they sent the children to the park or a friend’s house while dealing with my family’s circumstances.
“Girls, I am sorry for your loss.I expect your feelings to be raw.Please do not hesitate to stop me at any time.You may stay as long as you need.We have gathered to talk about the funeral arrangements.”Due to the size of Moose Creek, Gabriel was the town’s preacher, marriage officiant, and funeral director.
