I am ashamed to admit that I did not notice Ruby’s drinking was getting out of hand until it was too late and she jumped into the Liffey, and my own poor mother told me I’d have to put her into some rehab facility. But we got through it. And then, when she got pregnant, I thought the sky would fall, but I was determined that my daughter would not be treated like the girls in my day, who were locked up in convents and forced to give their babies up for adoption.
When Lucy was born, it was such a great start for everyone. That’s what I thought at the time. And when Jack married Ruby, and they formed a family, I felt she had finally settled down and the bad days were behind her.
And Erin. Poor, sweet Erin. She never did anything wrong and yet in our last call she told me I’d abandoned her back then. That was never my intention. I visited her as often as I could, and after Doug died, I kept in touch with his sister, Rachel, who was always involved in Erin’s life. And Doug’s new wife, Kathy, became a sort of friend too, in a way. I heard all about Vince long before I met him. Rachel approved, though she said Vince was maybe a little dull for Erin. He had adult sons who were closer in age to Erin than Vince was. The wedding was lovely, though, and the two boys were respectful.
Years later, when I saw the scar on Erin’s perfect face, I was taken aback, but she said she had fallen into a rose bush in her garden. I was surprised that a thorn could do so much damage. The scar faded and, by the time of Erin’s book launch, it was barely visible. I was shocked to hear the truth about the scar. Principal Bermingham had always been a bit odd, but when Rachel eventually told me what he had done to Erin, I was ashamed that Erin felt she couldn’t tell me. I hadn’t been aware of the distance between us.
I wish I had known how much Erin suffered. I feel the weight of guilt for not knowing. But I never preferred one daughter over the other. A mother goes to the child who needs her most. I thought that was Ruby. She had done a terrible thing and had to live with it. I honestly thought her life was harder.
I could not have been prouder when Erin published her stories, and when they took off the way they did, I was so pleased. She has always worked so hard.
Erin has asked me not to call her. I hope she won’t cut me off forever. All I can do is try. I suppose Ruby is thinking the same thing about Lucy.
What a mess I have made of their lives. If I could turn back time I would tell Doug what Ruby had done. He wouldn’t have cared about losing clients, he would only have cared about doing the right thing.
I am going to move back to Boston. I have bought a small apartment near where we used to live on Fisher Hill. I will rejoin the congregation and try to fit in. Both of my girls need me. I need them too.
87
Ruby
I am always nervous in here. It’s only been a month, but the days seem endless. My cellmates are all in recovery or active addiction, although there are many ways to get what you need if you want to. Drugs find their way into prisons very easily. As prisons go, it could be a lot worse. This wing is relatively safe. None of us are here for violent crimes. The women in this prison are here because they are poor; they have unpaid debts and they were selling their bodies, drugs or stolen property to feed their addiction. I have told them that I am in here for insurance fraud, but I know they don’t believe me. I act tough although I am scared to death. The people who terrify me the most are the male prison guards. They know why I’m in here. The way they looked at my body when I was strip-searched, the comments they made. I am sure they weren’t supposed to be present, but who could I complain to?
Mom sent a parcel full of toothpaste, shampoo and hygiene products. It is easier to share these right away than it is to worry about being attacked for them. There is a kind of alcohol available in here. They call it Pruno and God knows what it’s made of, but I have resisted so far. Drones fly over the yard, dropping off everything from taco sauce to heroin, but the guards and their dogs are usually quicker than the inmates to get to the drop-bags.
Jack has visited, but his life is in Dublin. I don’t expectto see him here again. He is shaken by my lies, but he is getting good support from the fellowship and his recovery has survived so far. I have accepted that our marriage is over. I hope he finds someone he deserves. I was never good enough. I told him what I’d done to Isobel Lucas and he said he would contact her. I have asked him to wait until I’ve had a chance to apologize to her. I don’t know whether he will or not – he owes me nothing.
There are AA meetings here. I have not missed one, and this time, I get it.
Make a list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all.
Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
The list is long. I started with Lucy. I wrote a letter to her admitting my jealousy and the reasons why I didn’t believe her. Her rape was my real punishment, and I couldn’t accept it. My sentence in the penitentiary is nothing compared to the damage I inflicted on her. I need her forgiveness and I’ll never stop trying until I get it. I apologized for not being able to show my love for her in recent years. I applauded her strength in taking a case against Simon Perry but warned her that court would be gruelling. Her reply was full of resentment and sarcasm. But I’m not giving up on repairing that relationship. She used to love me. I need to learn to love her again and maybe it will be easier if I’m not competing with her for Jack.
I put everything into words that I couldn’t think of to say to Jack when I saw him before the sentencing. I have lost him for good, but I must accept the things I cannot change. My heart is broken, if I have one.
I wrote to Isobel Lucas, care of her agent, WME in LA. I only met her once and yet I did so much damage to her career, and all for nothing as it turned out.
I wrote to Mom. And I’m allowed to call her. She is distraught over what has happened and blames herself. I told her it’s not her fault. She keeps me updated on what’s going on with everyone else. I kept her name out of my confession and out of the court case, and even though Milo knows about her involvement, he has chosen not to incriminate her either. I assured her that what she did was for good reasons, even though it was wrong, and I told her it had been up to me to set the record straight at any time, especially after Dad died. There was no good reason not to face the music after that, or indeed at any time before.
Jack and Lucy stay away from her, and she is talking about moving back to Boston, now that both of her daughters are here. Mom is desperate to make amends with Erin. And she spoke to Milo on the phone. Mom says that she and I are too alike. That we never think things through.
I sent a letter to Margie too. I didn’t know anything about Principal Bermingham until I got here and, though I didn’t call the cops on Margie or harass her, the attacks on Dad’s church and Erin would never have happened if I hadn’t lied in the first place. I got no response from Margie, though I didn’t expect one. I didn’t get any response from Nasrin,Sinéador Jane either. A lot of people think the worst of me. I think the worst of myself. What was it Dad said that day? ‘I love her, but she doesn’t make it easy.’ I think of that a lot.
Milo came to visit me yesterday. He looks ten years older than his forty-six years. I hadn’t written his letter yet. It was going to be the hardest. He came in full battle mode. I’d never seen this side of him before. Stony-faced and silent. His hands were fists full of tension. He glared at me, and didn’t say anything whileI stumbled over my words. I begged him to forgive me, told him I was a jealous child who had felt trapped in a disgusting lie, and that I knew I’d destroyed his life as a result. I tried to articulate how truly sorry I was about his mom, and Margie, about his future as a doctor.
When I had run out of apologies, I could see that my tears had moved him. His folded arms stretched out and he rested his fists on his knees.
‘What about Erin?’ he said.
Erin was having Milo’s baby, according to Mom, who heard it from Aunt Rachel. They were getting married. She was making a fortune from her book, which I haven’t read. She’d bought a fabulous apartment in South Boston, almost on the site of the building where Milo had grown up. Erin was happy.
I summoned up all my acting ability. ‘I can never forgive myself for what I’ve done to Erin.’
For the one and only time during his visit, he opened his hands and looked me in the eye.
‘I’m sure she’d like to hear that from you,’ Milo said. ‘I’ll try to get her to come visit.’
I hope he doesn’t try too hard. She isn’t on my visitors’ list.
The truth is, I try not to think of Erin. All she ever did was make me jealous. Her life is perfect all over again.
Milo and I have a secret. Erin doesn’t know he came to see me. I think she’d be mad with him if she knew. Maybe I’ll drop it into the conversation next time I talk to Mom.
