I heard Mom and Dad fighting in the kitchen that night. I had gone to bed early but, while they were fighting, I received a brief text from Miranda Hayes, the girl who left ComStat in a hurry.
Is this about Simon Perry?
I knew instantly that she was another victim of his. I replied.
He raped me.
Nothing happened for a moment and then the three dots told me she was writing a reply. And then they disappeared. Shit, maybe I had misjudged her response, but why had she asked specifically about him? Eventually, the dots started moving again.
Me too. #METOO
I needed to talk to her. It was after midnight but I texted back.
Can I call you? Is it too late?
She rang me immediately and told me her story. The grooming and the gaslighting were near identical. The fancy new restaurants. Playing her off against another pretty girl in the office. It was all the same. Waking up in his apartment with bruises, cuts and bite marks, and no memory of what had happened. She alsothought he might have used a wine bottle. But Miranda hadn’t told anyone, because she had thought nobody would believe her. She had developed a crush on him too, but he had been subtly seducing her, grooming her with daily praise of her work, ‘accidentally’ brushing up against her. Her parents were divorced, and she lived with her elderly father. She had been a wild child when she was younger. I told her that Simon had left the company after Dad confronted him.
Miranda had been struggling with depression. I encouraged her to come back to ComStat. We could go together to the HR Head and tell our stories, get Miranda’s job back. We might even go to the police. We talked about potential other victims. Miranda thought there might have been others, before us. It was a game to Simon. We hung up, having agreed to meet for coffee the next day. I felt sorry for Miranda, who had nobody she could talk to. At least I had Dad. And then I heard Dad banging things around in the kitchen, his voice raised on the phone. I slipped on my dressing gown.
Dad was sitting on the sofa, his head in his hands.
‘What’s the matter, Dad? Are you okay?’ I sat beside him and put my arms around him and felt his shoulders heave. He was crying. I was alarmed. I’d never seen him cry before. ‘Where is Mum?’
‘Your mum is … gone.’
‘What?’
‘I’m sorry, honey, but it’s best if we divorce.’
‘Divorce? What happened? What did she do?’
‘I can’t explain.’
‘Dad, she’ll be back. She told me it was a slip.’
‘It’s more than that. I can’t explain. I asked her to go.’
Dad had always adored Mum, no matter what she did. If he’d asked her to leave, it must be serious. I put the kettle on to makesome tea. I called Mum. Dad tried to stop me, but I clung on to the phone while she dripped poison into my ear.
‘I don’t believe you.’
My own mother didn’t believe I’d been raped.
I remember a time when she loved me. There’s video footage of her smothering me with kisses, lifting me up in the air when I was a toddler. I remember her telling me bedtime stories, and then, when I was old enough, I’d read stories to her. I remember baking with her and shopping expeditions to get me a new outfit. I don’t recall exactly when I started to feel unloved by her. It was gradual. I asked Dad what I’d done wrong, knowing he would report back to her, and in front of him she would put on a show, calling me ‘sweetheart’ or ‘Lulu’, but it was all different when I was alone with her. I tried my best to please her. I studied hard. My final school exam results were among the highest in the country. Dad was ecstatic and so was Mum until he left the room and then she picked up the book she was reading again. I met her indifference with anger.
My degree course was notoriously hard to get into, but I waltzed in on the strength of my results. And yet nothing I did would please her. I was never good enough. When I got involved with Casey in college, I told them both, and Mum asked me if I was going to move to Canada to live with her. It’s clear to me now, that’s what she wanted. How disappointing it was for her when Casey broke up with me.
When I told her that I had got the internship at ComStat, which might result in a full-time job, she asked me if that meant I would be moving out. She really wanted me out of the house, and I would have gone if there was anywhere to go, but Dublin was in the middle of a worsening housing crisis. Dad told her not to be so ridiculous.
Fuck Mum. Dad and I were better off without her. I didn’t tell him about Miranda. Dad was upset, it wasn’t the right time, and I was shocked by Mum’s words. Dad swept me into his arms.
‘It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault. I believe you. Anybody would. There’s something wrong with her.’
79
Erin
Ruby was not taking my calls. Milo didn’t answer either. I texted him to let him know that Dad never knew and that I was sorry for everything. I had hurt him in so many ways, and his family, and all because of Ruby’s devious behaviour. He didn’t text back.
