It was such a relief to us that she had spoken that we laughed and agreed with her. She seemed somewhat more relaxed today than she had since her incident. Her plate was empty. When Jack got up to fetch more vegetables, she rose from her seat and hugged him, and he wrapped himself around her. Whenever I’d tried to hold her, she’d flinched from my touch. I needed to get out.
‘I’ll take the bus into town,’ I said, clearing the plates away, in a rush now.
‘Hey, I’m not finished.’ Jack was looking at me curiously. ‘And you never take the bus.’
‘Yes, but parking is such a pain around there.’ I wasn’t going to drive drunk. I would be home late. I already had the Polo mints and orange in my bag. I’d sleep in the spare room, say Jack was snoring.
‘Okay, but take a taxi home? I don’t like you being in the city at night.’
‘Yes, I’ll be fine. Don’t wait up, though, we might go to the Troc afterwards.’
‘Sure.’
Lucy was staring at me. ‘Mum, I don’t want you to go out.’
I couldn’t answer her. Jack looked at me and then turned to her. ‘Your mum needs some time out, honey.’
‘From me?’
I dug my nails into my palms under the table and tried to keep my voice even. ‘No, not from you. I need a night out with some friends, darling. I know it must seem impossible to you, but life must go on.’ I needed to get away from her badly.
‘Will you be talking about me?’ Her big brown eyes filled with tears.
‘Do you want me to?’
‘No.’
‘Good, because we have happier things to talk about, like Jane’s upcoming party.’ I grinned.
Jack glared at me. Lucy pushed her chair back and stormed up to her bedroom.
‘Maybe you shouldn’t go out –’ Jack began.
‘We have to live our lives.’ Even if it did happen, it had been well over a month ago now.
‘I thought that you, of all people, would understand. But your behaviour has been so … erratic,’ he said.
‘Don’t you get it? I am triggered by all of this. That’s why I needed to get away the night Lulu came home after the assault. A hotel room on my own with the phone turned off. You shouldbe grateful that I’m not drinking.’ This was the lie that got me off the hook the morning after.
‘DoSinéadand Jane know?’
‘About me? Or Lucy? No, it’s none of their business.’
‘I know we said we’d keep it private, for Lucy’s sake, but it might help you to talk to them about your own experience?’
I closed my eyes as if by doing so I could plug my ears too.
‘Shut up, Jack. I’m over it. I did the rehab and the therapy. It’s not something that you casually bring up during the interval of a show, is it? “Did I tell you I was raped when I was sixteen?”’
63
I started my evening in the Morrison. I didn’t know anybody who hung out there. I pretended to be a tourist. I convinced myself that black was white. It’s probably what made me a good actor and drama teacher. Hotels were anonymous. The bars where people my age socialized were few and far between and there was more chance of meeting someone I knew in those places. All my friends and probably most of my acquaintances knew that I was a recovering alcoholic.
The hotel lounge was empty but then it was a Monday night. I sat at the bar and ordered three glasses of wine, one after the other, and I drank quickly. Within an hour, my defences were down. I wanted to be someone else. I was chatting amiably to the bartender. She didn’t ask me any questions, we talked about her. She was off to Boston for the summer. She asked if I had any pearls of wisdom to impart. I told her that she should try to catch a Red Sox game at Fenway Park. A few people had come in by this time, young couples who failed to notice me. That happened with increasing frequency. The joys of being in my forties, I guess. A man of about my own age came in. I checked my cleavage and discreetly hoisted it upward. He bypassed me completely, went to a corner table and opened a laptop, having ordered a sparkling water. I looked over a few times, but he didn’t look my way. I craved sex like I had when I was in college. I remembered my first time with Kenny Carter. I felt the twenty bucks burning my palm. I got another drink to wash away the memory.
Later, suited men entered, an older man with a young guy. They sat near me on bar stools. The older one was upset and was being comforted by the young man. Lawyers, I guessed. We weren’t too far from the courts. Eventually, the younger of the two left, and I caught the eye of the other in the mirror behind the bar. I smiled at him.
‘Did you lose your case?’
