I guess we’re done fighting then??
Teren was right, before.
I can keep up with Zan, but he can also meet me where I am.
“Sounds good,” I say. “So now what?”
And then his tension is back.
“Now,” Zan says, “let’s unpack the supplies.”
Why in the world would that make him upset? He’s the one who packed them!
Is talking with people such a spellfield for everyone, or am I uniquely bad at this?
That’s a question for Nomi or Teren, I think.
But whatever set Zan off eases as we get caught up, Zan identifying objects for me and explaining what they’re for and where they go.
Right up until I get to the bottom of my pack and pull out a wooden bucket with a handle and another smaller bucket inside, and Zan goes still again.
“What’s this?” I ask him.
“An ice cream maker,” Zan answers neutrally.
My eyes widen, and for a moment I can’t speak.
Once again, even when we were at odds, he saw deeper into me and found a way to help me help myself with the first thing I have ever been really, truly excited about, that I didn’t think I deserved to even ask for—
“This isn’t an obligation,” Zan says quickly. “I’m not trying to make you do anything, and you absolutely don’t have to use it if you don’t want to—”
Aha.
That, finally, breaks me out of my shock and a big smile blooms on my face.
Helistenedto me, earlier.
Andhe made it possible for me to keep moving on my own path.
“Zan,thankyou,” I interrupt him. “Really. Thank you.”
Zan breaks off mid-qualification. “Does that mean I can show you the milk and cream and sugar in my pack?”
I burst out laughing.
And here, another clarity:
I want to keep him.
I want to keep all of him, his edginess and the fire underneath, his intensity and his assured calm and his hidden playfulness.
And here is a way I can start moving, not simply standing still while I absorb information, to get started.
Maybe I should take my own advice to Teren and start moving, first, and refine from there.
A sudden yawn catches me by surprise. “What in the world? I haven’t been awake that long!”
“You’ve been awake a lot longer than you have at any point in the last five centuries,andyour mind has been doing a lot of work to process,” Zan points out. “I’m surprised you lasted this long.”
