If only those dark thoughts could just leave her alone.
As if in a direct challenge to my musings, Eleni slammed shut the grimoire she’d been reading about life magic. She jumped to her feet and marched out of the living area we’d been sitting in. She made a beeline for the main terrace and leaned against the stone railing of the balcony. Back stiff, her nails digging into the stone, she stared at the valley below without seeing it. Too many conflicting emotions battled for dominance over her features for me to really say which one had her this distressed.
I slowly closed the distance between us and carefully wrapped my arms around her from behind. She stiffened, and her claws raked over the railing. Her muscles bulged in a way that screamed loudly how hard she was fighting the urge to lacerate my face with them instead. Knowing that her feral instincts caused it—not actual hatred for me—allowed me to remain unfazed. It only upset me to the extent that it upset her.
“You may have a hard time believing it, but I truly understand what you’re going through right now,” I said softly.
Eleni jerked her head around to look at me over her shoulder with an outraged expression. I smiled.
“I see my angry, younger self in you right now. I had these terrible urges that I didn’t know what to do with. My mind knew they were wrong, but every fiber of my being clamored for me to give in to them. I didn’t always succeed, but every victory was a major achievement.”
“You were a child. How much damage could you have done?” she argued, still offended by what she perceived as belittling the extent of her challenge.
“An insane amount. A demigod without self-control could be deadly, even as a child,” I replied gently. “But that’s not the point I was trying to make. The fact that you struggle so much proves that you’re not a monster. You have a conscience that strives for good. A sociopath wouldn’t care like you do.”
She turned around to face me, her back now leaning against the railing. I rested my palms on her hips and moved a little closer. She didn’t push me back.
“True though that may be, it’s already been five days, and my dark desires have not abated. In fact, they only grow stronger and louder.”
I shrugged. “Like Pharos and Paulus said, be what you are. There are ways to sate one’s dark inclinations without doing wrong.”
Her eyes widened with surprise and keen interest.
“What do you mean?”
“Growing up, I was losing my own battle. So I found a way to channel it. I hunted monsters and made them suffer,” I said with an evil grin. “I have no shame in taking pleasure in their agony. And I do not mean wild beasts who have no control over their feral nature. I mean real monsters like Elliot and the Oracle. Watching you burn those cultists to cinders was fucking orgasmic. And I don’t doubt you also loved every second of it.”
She licked her lips nervously, her eyes flicking between mine to make sure I wasn’t just saying that to placate her.
“We shouldn’t derive pleasure from people’s suffering,” she said hesitantly.
“They’re not people. They are a scourge on society. And they deserve everything they get,” I said in an imperious tone.
Eleni lowered her eyes as she reflected on my words. As much as she wanted to seize that opportunity and run with it, it still clashed with her values. Did she not realize how that further proved what a good heart she possessed?
“I used to hunt monsters. As per the Order’s rules, if we had to take a life, it had to be swift and as merciful as possible, no matter how horrible the condemned was,” Eleni said carefully.
I huffed and made a disdainful gesture. “For executions, only so that the public wouldn’t perceive you as murderers. But your Church has taken great delight in performing extensive and atrocious torture on the accused. They have no leg to stand on as far as how we choose to handle true monsters.”
She gave me a sad smile as she nodded. “Unfortunately, you’re quite right. Far too many Inquisitors are in fact sadists who indulge in their cruelty under the cover of righteousness.”
“I’m glad you’re aware of it,” I replied gently.
“I was always aware of it,” she countered. “But for every rotten apple, there were five good ones truly fighting for the cause and to protect the innocent. Not that it really matters anymore.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, intrigued.
“I can never go back to the Church. Not with that thing trying to take me over,” she replied, defeated.
“Maybe, and maybe not,” I retorted. “It’s only been a few days. And you’re not whole yet. Once this ritual is completed, you may find it easier to subdue and control that darkness inside of you. And anyway, you don’t need to be an Inquisitor to destroy evil.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Eleni said, sounding unconvinced.
“It’s not a guess but a fact,” I stated firmly. “And I will gladly help you in that endeavor. What you need to understand Eleni is that I love you. All of you, including that darkness.”
She shook her head while giving me a dubious look. “How can you when my thoughts hurt you? When I want to do bad things to you not because you deserve it but just because I want to cause harm?”
“None of that bothers me, except when your thoughts involve leaving me,” I said.
