“Of course,” he said quickly, gesturing for me to proceed towards his bedroom.
I shifted on my feet and gave him a stiff smile.
“Actually, I’d like to sleep in the guest room tonight,” I said in a slightly apologetic tone.
My heart broke when the dark side of me grinned inwardly upon seeing his devastated expression. I felt torn by the contradicting need to comfort him while also dying to twist the knife deeper into the wound.
“It’s not you,” I said in an appeasing tone. “It’s not about us, but entirely about me. Right now, I don’t trust myself. The thoughts coursing through my mind scare me.”
“Itrustyou,” he said with a conviction that almost had me laughing bitterly. “Even if you lost control—which I totally doubt you will—you cannot cause me irreparable harm.”
This time, my mouth ran away with me as I snorted with disdain.
“You can’t be certain of that, Lyall. After all, you said you couldn’t be shackled.”
I flinched as soon as the words came out. The depth of hurt in his eyes cut me deep. Tears pricked my eyes even as my tongue burned with the desire to pile on the cruelty.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice shaking as I hugged my waist. “I didn’t mean it.”
“Yes,” Lyall said in a tired voice. “Yes, you did. And rightly so. My arrogance got you grievously harmed. If I had listened and not been so full of myself, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“We don’t know that,” I countered firmly. “Even had you planned for it, their numbers were too great, and their trap too well set. There’s no point speculating about what might or might not have happened. I just hate the things I’m feeling and thinking. This isn’t me. I hate this monster inside me.”
My voice cracked as I said that last sentence, and tears started freely running down my cheeks. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried. But something broke inside of me.
Lyall drew me into his embrace, and the floodgates opened. I ugly cried, my body wracked by spasms as I sobbed on his shoulder. He picked me up in his arms and carried me to the guest room while speaking softly to me.
He carefully placed me on the bed, stripping me of my boots before lying next to me and pulling me back into his arms. I couldn’t say how long I continued bawling. It was more than just the dreadful situation I was in with my soul possibly decaying should the ritual not work. It also wasn’t just about the darkness threatening to destroy all that I ever believed myself to be. It wasyears of distress, trauma, and constantly fighting to be normal, to find a place to belong, and to be accepted for who and what I was. And just when it had been within reach, the promised happiness was once more ripped away from me.
Why couldn’t I just be normal for once? Why couldn’t I just be happy with the one man who truly loved me just the way I was?
“Do not despair my love. The monster you think resides inside of you has no power over you. It may be loud and scary right now, but you will rein it in,” Lyall whispered gently while caressing my hair. “You’re strong enough. Don’t look at it as an insurmountable challenge. This is no different than wearing a brand-new pair of shoes. They will hurt until they adjust to your feet. And I will be there with you, every step of the way. You’re my soulmate. I refuse any future that does not involve you. Rest my love. I will watch over you. Fate did not bring us together to separate us now.”
I wanted to argue, to tell him to seek refuge. But the thought of losing the warmth and safety of his arms around me silenced my tongue. I tightened my arms around him, hanging on to him for dear life, and listened to the soothing sound of his heart beating.
And as he promised, Lyall remained by side through the restless night until a fretful sleep finally claimed me.
Chapter 13
Lyall
The next day, Kali kept true to her word and delivered a thorough outline of the ritual. Her mentioning that the ritual should take place in Hecate’s Temple surprised me at first. But then I realized it totally made sense. Nowadays, people only associated the goddess with magic and witchcraft. But she was far more than that. She is also the goddess of life and death to the extent that she can freely walk back and forth through the thinnest part of the veil, at the threshold of life and death.
As a Psychopomp, she could guide the souls of the newly deceased to the underworld, but as the Goddess of Life, she could also guide the soul through their process of rebirth. Her torches lit the way for others through the darkness, and her keys open the way when transitioning past otherwise impassable thresholds.
And the very simple ritual Kali provided reflected just that. First, we had to place the afflicted person on an altar before the goddess. Second, we had to light the appropriate torches in thetemple, the ones representing Death to escort a trapped soul back into the afterlife, or the torches of Life to help a soul back into its corporeal vessel. Third, the divine light served as the key to unlocking the seat of that person’s soul. Only the true beloved could hold that key.
Those last two lines confused me a bit. Based on my experience of these ancient temples and other similar rituals, I assumed that once the proper torches were lit, they would create a focus enhancing the magic of the divine light that would guide Eleni’s soul back to her body. The divine light had to be the full moon. As for Hecate’s key, I would have no problem holding it as I truly loved my mate. And as hinted by my mother and confirmed by my brother, Eleni and I were soulmates. If my suspicions were accurate, I would need to use the key to let the moonlight in to complete the ritual.
The full moon couldn’t come soon enough. Elation and fear tore at me in equal measure. If this failed, there would be no time left to find a different solution. Except, I didn’t know that there actually existed another one. Kali had thoroughly researched any possible alternative. But every other option came down to some form of necromantic conjuration that would result in Eleni losing ownership of her soul.
I didn’t want to even contemplate that possibility. But after my epic failure in the Sanctuary, I no longer wanted to risk gambling with my woman’s life by not looking for multiple contingency plans. Sadly, she flat out refused any such discussion. I couldn’t blame her for adamantly rejecting any thought of becoming enslaved to anyone, even someone as good and kind-hearted as Kali. She would choose death over this.
The thought that the next two weeks were all that we might have left was slowly killing me.
The most tragic part was that we couldn’t even make the best of it. Things remained tense between us over the followingdays. I hated how lost Eleni felt as she battled the dark thoughts constantly flooding her mind. Sometimes, I would catch her looking at me with such malice that it sent a cold shiver down my spine. Only when our eyes met would she snap out of it and then shame and despair would crash over her.
I truly didn’t believe that she could do irreversible damage to me. Should she finally lose the battle and attack me, I wouldn’t resent her for it. My only concern if that happened was the psychological devastation she would face. I didn’t care how long it might take me to recover from any injury she might inflict upon me. All that mattered to me was she didn’t add another trauma to the already far-too-long list that Fate had stacked against her.
