Lola processes that, squeezing her hands. Her eyes trace every inch of me, and I wish I knew how to read her so I could guess what she sees. Prepare myself for the words that squeak out of her. “You look so much like him.”
My heart slams into my ribcage, catching my breath in my lungs. “Braden?”
She nods. “He thought I was lying. When I told him I was pregnant.” The words seem to cost her, and she drops her eyes to her hands. “Accused me of wanting attention because he was graduating, and I was only a junior.” As tears fill her eyes, she shrugs. “I was seventeen, and he completely cut me out of his life when he realized I told the truth.”
I guessed as much, that my biological father chose not to take responsibility, but hearing it from Lola feels different. I can almost imagine her as a teenager, scared and overwhelmedand heartbroken. I breathe out a curse against the man, glad I haven’t tried to reach out to him yet.
Lola breathes out a laugh. “Yeah. He was awful.”
“You didn’t…” I swallow the rest of the words, not willing to speak them out loud. She carried me to term when she could have taken another way out. So I try a different question, one that sticks in my throat halfway through. “Did you ever want…”
Her smile becomes sad as her tears slip onto her cheeks. “I wanted you from the start.” That loose piece inside me shifts, less painful now. Like it’s settling into place. “My parents thought it was a bad idea for me to keep you, especially when Braden refused to accept that he had responsibility. But every time I felt you move, I…” Her hand drifts to her stomach as her gaze grows distant. “I went to every appointment by myself. My mother was angry, my father was embarrassed, and I had to bring a doctor’s note to school whenever I had to miss class. I tried so hard to keep my grades up, but sometimes I was so sick that I couldn’t make it through the school day. I fell asleep doing homework. I was shunned by my friends, ridiculed by my teachers, and I felt so completely alone.”
Something tickles my cheek. I brush it away, surprised to see my fingers come away wet. I’m crying. I haven’t cried in years.
“I took the bus to the hospital when I went into labor,” Lola says, still talking to her lap. “Barely made it in time. You came so fast, ready to face the world. And when I held you for the first time and saw how small and fragile you were, I…” She looks up, and her anguish hits me hard as she speaks right to me. “I knew I would never be able to give you the life you deserved. Who was Ito raise a kid? I was scared, and alone, and I didn’t know what to do.”
“So you let someone else take over.”
Lola nods.
I swear under my breath, and silence settles between us, broken only by the soft sounds of Savannah in the kitchen. This is what I wanted to hear. Of all the different ways the story could have gone, this is the best case scenario for me. So why does it still hurt? I drop my gaze to the floor, rubbing my chest and trying to breathe.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t stronger,” Lola whispers.
Startled, I look at her again. “What?”
“I should have kept you.” She sniffles. “I should have tried harder to find a way to—”
“My parents are great.” Wincing at the same time Lola does, I berate myself for speaking without thinking. If that was supposed to reassure her… I groan. “That’s not… I’m saying I’ve had a good life. I guess I’m saying thank you.” Do I mean that? Maybe. “Patrick and Nancy, the couple who adopted me, they’re the best. Couldn’t have asked for better parents.”
“Oh.” She bites her lip, dropping her chin. “That’s good.”
Silence falls again, as awkward as before, and I scramble to find something to say that won’t hurt as much as ‘the people who raised me did better than you could have.’ Eventually, I settle on, “They couldn’t have their own kids.” When Lola looks at me, I offer her an uncomfortable smile. “My mum tells me all the time how glad she was that they were in the right place at the right time to take me home with them. And she…” This might be a bad thing to say, but I want to be as transparent as I can be. “She’s the reason I’m here. They both are. They didn’t want me to always wonder.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t let you in when you first reached out,” Lola says weakly. “I never thought… I couldn’t have expected…”
“I should have found a better way,” I admit, rubbing the back of my neck.
She chuckles, shaking her head. “How? I don’t think anyone can ease into something like that. But my reaction could have been better. I was so ashamed after I gave you up, and I never told…”
“Your family doesn’t know,” I guess when she can’t finish her sentence. She shakes her head, and I nod in understanding. It’s the sort of secret I would take to my grave because sharing it would put a spotlight on my mistakes. “I reckon I’d do the same thing in your shoes.”
“Was it that DNA test that helped you find me?”
“Yeah.”
Lola sighs. “I think part of me knew you were bound to find me if I took the test. Allen, my husband—he got me the kit as an anniversary present. I don’t talk to my parents, so he thought I might like to know more of my history. Maybe, if I had been honest with him, he wouldn’t have pushed me to take the test. Or…” Her lips lift in a sardonic smile. “Maybe I would have found the courage to find you first. I’ve always wondered who you grew up to be. And look at you.” She waves a hand over me.
I can barely breathe, but I can’t decide if that’s because I’m reeling from her words or because my chest is painfully tight. “You knew my name,” I choke out. “When you opened the door. I never told…”
She looks down at her knees. “I got a notification too. I think seeing the man you’ve become helped me justify ignoring you. You’re clearly doing well without me, so what reason would you have to reach out?”
“I needed to know I wasn’t a mistake you threw away.” That isn’t something I meant to speak out loud. I haven’t let myself acknowledge the thought before now, even if it’s always been at the back of my mind.
Tears pool in her eyes again, and she surprises me by leaping forward and sitting next to me on the couch. “Oh, Logan. You were the one good thing I did in one of the worst years of my life. Letting you go was the only thing I ever did right with you. You werenevera mistake. I am so proud of the life you’ve made for yourself.”
With that, the loose piece of my soul slides neatly into place.
