“I still don’t condone what you did to make it happen,” he insists. “But I can’t deny that this, being out here with you, is an infinitely better outcome than Sheridan.”
“I agree. Which is why I did it. And why I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
Something dark passes over his handsome face. “So, you still have no remorse?”
“None. Actually, yes. I’m sorry for the turmoil it caused you. I’m sorry I didn’t make sure you knew I was doing everything I could not to be in danger from it. I’m sorry I stopped coming to see you. I’m sorry I had to pretend we were over, for anyone who might be listening.But I’m not sorry that I did it. And nothing you could say will ever change my mind about it.”
I pause, letting it all sink in. When I see no anger in his features, but some sort of acceptance instead, I conclude with, “So, overall, I guess I’m sorry I didn’t start sooner, which would have given me more time and allowed me to handle all those things better, but that’s it.”
“Why didn’t you start sooner?”
I straighten up and twist around to send him an incredulous look. “Seriously? You went from being mad at me for doing it to wishing I’d done it sooner?”
A chuckle passes through his amused smirk. “No, I’m genuinely wondering what the trigger was.”
I return to my position with my back against his torso and think about it. “It was an array of factors. At first, I wanted to believe we could do it the right way with good lawyers. You didn’t feel guilty to me, so somehow, I believed others would feel the same, and you’d be freed. But with every single day that passed, it became clearer that the result we were heading toward might not be the one I was hoping for.”
Lex has a hand under my breasts, below the soapy water, and his thumb grazes the skin there. I rest mine over it and say, “Seeing you so broken after that week in the SHU, the bruises on your face… It drove me over the edge. It was the last of many, many things that made it insufferable to imagine you locked up for the rest of your life. And it came right after the pregnancy scare, so it was back-to-back—”
“Thewhat?” Lex demands, tensing behind me.
Fuck, I haven’t told him this yet. “I—uh, there was a moment where I thought maybe I was pregnant.”
With a wince, I turn around to meet his shocked stare. “I was barely eating, I had mood swings, nausea… When I realized my period was a month late, it felt like a rational explanation for everything. MC rushed out to get me a pregnancy test, and for about forty minutes, I went through the worst conundrum I’ve ever had to face.” I shy away from his gaze to continue my confession, ashamed of the feelings that went through me that day.
“I wanted to be pregnant because it might be my only chance to hold your baby in my arms, but also because you might go back on your threat to never see me again. I thought maybe you’d let me come and visit, if it meant you got to see your son or daughter grow up.” I take a moment to breathe and get the trembling in my voice in check before I continue. “But I also realized that’s not a way to live, for us or the potential child, and that you wouldn’t want that. Ever. But I still wanted it so fucking badly,” I can’t help but say, tears pooling in my eyes. “It meant I’d get to keep some of you with me. A little child with his dad’s gray eyes, dark hair, and genius brain.”
“Andrea, why didn’t you tell me?” he softly asks, cradling my cheek with his large, wet hand.
“There was no point to it, was there?” I say, looking straight at him. “It would have done nothing but hurt you, like it did me.”
He pulls me in to kiss my cheekbone, intercepting a tear that toppled over. “My love… You couldn’t have been pregnant. That’s impossible.”
“I know, my IUD. But those aren’t always perfect, and I—”
“No, that’s not it.”
I could almost believe I imagined the slight guilt I perceive in his voice, but the one in his gray eyes confirms it. “What is it?”
“I… I tried telling you a few times, after we had that conversation at your parents’ place. But we kept being interrupted, and then the topic didn’t come up until I got arrested.”
“Say it now, then.”
“I had a vasectomy.”
“What?! When?”
“When I was twenty.”
I blink several times, completely flabbergasted by this reveal. How many times have we had sex? How many loads has he emptied inside me? And all this time, he was shooting blanks?
“Lex, that’s a pretty big secret to keep from me,” I say, unsure how to feel about it. I don’t want to get angry at him. Not when we’re finally back to being happy together.
“I didn’t mean to keep it, nor did I consider it a secret. After we had that talk, once I knew you wanted kids, I immediately called the clinic that did it and scheduled an appointment to discuss a reversal as early as possible.”
“Will it work after so long?”
“Depending on the procedure, the odds of my sperm returning go from good to decent. Which isn’t entirely a problem, because they had me freeze sperm back then. It’s one of their policies for someone that young getting a vasectomy.”
