Getting time off work turns out to be alarmingly easy. With everything happening to me, the weight loss, the lingering effects of the pregnancy scare, the added workload… and the fact that I uncontrollably cry nearly the whole session, the psychiatrist urges me to take a month off work. I also have a prescription for Xanax, which I already know won’t be used. I need my mind sharp, not dulled and slowed. I can’t get out of the weekly therapy sessions, though, which are meant to help me get better. Those are not only mandatory, but they’re also valuable for my cover.
So, after returning from my lunch break session, I immediately go up to see Kevin and explain the situation. Because I don’t want to involve him in my plan, I only tell him what he needs to know as my boss, not my friend. Before I can even apologize for letting him down like this, he tells me how sorry he is for adding an extra load on me. “Take all the time you need, Andy,” he insists. “Mace will cover for you in the meantime.”
A quick formality with HR later, and I’m on my way back to Lex’s apartment. Oli will join me here after work, but I can explore on my own for a good chunk of the afternoon. By the time he arrives, I’ve learned a lot. I know how to protect my IP from being found out and fly under the radar, which allows me to look into places I shouldn’t be looking.
From then on, every waking hour is devoted to the cause. My nights are short and my days are long. To make up for it, I’ve worked my way around the fancy coffee maker and drink a few cups every day. It’s still appalling to my taste buds, but enough sugar and creammake it tolerable.
On Wednesday, I insist that Oli doesn’t come. I’m confident enough to work on my own all afternoon, and he has a neglected girlfriend he needs to take care of. I’m not letting this ruin his blossoming relationship.
By the end of the week, I’m obsessed. This cyber underworld is all I can think of, all I can do. I even asked Iris to contact the cleaning company, like Lex suggested weeks ago, so I can have more time for all this. Katya will return, clean up the place, refill the fridge, do the laundry… Every minute counts.
I’m deep into it when someone arrives at the main door. As soon as I hear the key turning in the lock, I know it’s Katya—I left a key downstairs for her with the concierge. Fuck, I didn’t expect her to arrive so early. Is it even early? Shit, I lost track of time looking into what cybersecurity looks like for banks. One of Oli’s lessons is that nothing is ever airtight. There’s always a way in. Some crack that can be exploited.
Before I can do anything, Iris closes the hidden door and locks me in there. “Fuck,” I mumble. Deciding there isn’t much I can do about it, I return to the computer and keep working.
A phone call distracts me about an hour later, and seeing it’s from Oregon, I quickly pick up. Per usual, the robotic voice announces who’s calling and asks if I accept the call. I do, and the line to Lex opens.
“Hi, baby. How are you?”
“I’m alright. You?”
“I’m okay, too. I’m glad you called. I missed your voice,” I say, realizing he hasn’t called in a few days.
“Aren’t you coming today?”
Oh, fuck. Is it Saturday already? Being locked all day, every day, in this small room without windows has completely fucked with my perception of time. I sleep when my eyes can’t stay open after setting an alarm for five hours later, eat when I’m hungry, shower when I feel dirty… I’m living like a troll. Nothing matters beyond my mission.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I’ve been so busy lately, I didn’t realize it was Saturday already,” I whimper.
“Kev told me you were taking a leave from work.”
Fuck. Of course he knows. I haven’t told him because I didn’t want him to worry, but Kevin had no reason not to. Now, how the fuck do I get myself out of this? I can’t tell him what I’ve been doing with my days. And not just because these calls are monitored. If I tell him what I’m doing, if I let him know my plan, he’ll go berserk and force me to stop. I know him well enough to realize this is the last thing he’d want me to do, and I’m not stupid enough to share that information with him.
Regardless, I’m not even sure I can spare a whole day every week to visit him. The two hours to see the therapist already feel like too much. The more I learn about this hacking thing, the less optimistic I am about the schedule I’ve set. If missing a few visits allows me to get him out sooner, then maybe it’s worth it. He’ll forgive me for it. I know he will.
My heart drops into my stomach when I realize that the only way out is to break his heart. The reason I can’t visit him as often as I used to has to be personal. He can’t know what I’m doing. No one but Oli can.
“I’m so sorry, Lex,” I say, emotions clutching my throat. “It—it hurts me every time I see you.” The confession isn’t even a lie, but it’s still wrong. It doesn’t matter how broken each visitation leaves me. I’d forever go back to see him if I could. “I’ve been living at your place for the past few days, and it’s helping me get better. The memory of you, of us, of how it used to be… Seeing you slowly lose yourself in there it’s… so hard, Lex.”
There’s a long silence, where neither of us says anything. Everything I’m saying is true, but I’d still go through hell and back for him. I hope he knows that somewhere deep down.
“I don’t think I can visit you as often as I used to,” I eventually conclude, administering the final blow.
His silence is excruciating, but there’s no way I’d give our opponents any kind of ammo. He’ll understand, eventually. He’ll accept that I had no other choice.
“I get it,” he finally answers.
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s alright. I’m the one who wanted you to distance yourself from me. This was always going to happen, and it’s better now than further down the road.”
I crave to tell him, to be honest. I’m not giving up on him, not now or ever. But the only thing I can say without being suspicious is, “I’ll always love you.”
“I need to go.”
“Lex, I’m sorry.”
“You’ve said that already. It’s fine. I get it.”
