“Katherine, this isn’t funny!”
“Girl, I know you, and I know you’re in one of your moments where you turn into a clam and nothing can get through. You already know all this, but if you want, I can remind you love doesn’t work that way. Lex wasn’t into her, but he’s head over heels for you. So what if she has killer abs? Maybe Lex prefers you and how mushy-squishy you are.”
“‘Mushy-squishy?’How dare you?” I protest, offended. No one wants to be that. It isn’t a good thing.
“Well, you told me about your sex life, and I can assure you he fucking adores every part of you. No man would demand that much of a woman if he wasn’t completely obsessed with her.”
I don’t even try to argue with this one. The way Lex worships my body leaves very little doubt about how much he loves it. But wouldn’t he like it even more if I had more boobs? If my stomach didn’t do those rolls when I bend over? If I didn’t have stretch marks on my hips and thighs? Ninety-nine percent of the male population would, so it must apply to him, too. His perception of me is blinded by love, but what happens when he loves me just a little less over time? Will all my unappealing flaws become jarring to him?
When Kate speaks again, her voice is soft and encouraging. “Andy, the man was already smitten before you two even kissed. I hear your voice when you talk about him, and I saw how your eyes sparkle on our video calls. You two have something very,veryspecial. You can stay in your bedroom to whine, dwell on self-pity, and tell yourself you’re doomed. But you’ve got an amazing man who’s perfect for you and for whom you’re perfect. Who gives a shit about his ex? She’s his past for a reason, and you’re his future for another one.”
“But what if he realizes I’m not that interesting and leaves me? I feel like I somehow cheated my way into his heart, and he’ll realize it any minute.”
“Babe, you’re the most absurdly authentic person I know. He’s perfectly aware of who you are because you’re tragically yourself 24/7. You’re a fiery Latina with a big ass, quick wits, nerdy references, and a sharp tongue, and he loves you for it.”
“But I don’t get why. If I had a choice, I’d pick Evora, not myself. Every single time.”
“Yeah, but you’re you, and he’s him. And he’d pickyouevery. Single. Time. You have to get out of your head.”
“But I’m so scared I’ll lose him,” I whine.
“Life is scary. Life is unpredictable and unexpected, but we keep going because it’s all worth it in the end. We can’t hold back for fear of the bad that might happen, or else we’ll miss all the good, too. For now, Lex wants you, and you want him. No one can tell how long it will last. Months, years, decades, a lifetime… Who knows? But are you willing to give up on a life with him because he could leave you when he might very well stay?”
I don’t say anything, letting her words sink in. She’s making sense. A lot of it. Even if my chances seem slim at the moment, Lex might want me for the rest of our lives. I’m enough now, and maybe I’ll be enough forever. And if I’m not, then I can work on becoming enough. I’ll never be as flawless as Evora, but I can be better than I am now. For him, I can stop being a food-obsessed sloth and lose a few pounds, get my boobs done, learn how to do my makeup to look better… Whatever he’ll need, I can do it.
“I’ll take your lack of answer as an agreement because I know your stubborn ass would have said something otherwise,” Kate says after a moment. “You’ve had those self-esteem issues since high school, babe, and you have to stop. It’s so frustrating that you don’t see how incredible you are. You think you got lucky with Lex, but trust me, he’s the one who lucked out.”
A skeptical snort comes out of me before I can stop it.
“The hell was that?” she asks.
“A gut reaction to your ridiculous statement.”
“Okay, you’ve done it now. You’ve pissed me off. Time for some words of affirmation.”
“Kate, no,” I protest.
“Too late, bitch. You’re talking shit about my bestie, and I’m not letting that slide. So, repeat after me: ‘I’m beautiful,’” she demands.
I roll my eyes, considering hanging up, but she actually might come and then blame me for being unable to work on her case. So, resigned, I repeat her words.I’m beautiful, I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m amazing at my job, I’m a boss ass bitch, I’m a great coder, I’m a terrible best friend because I never call…
“You also haven’t been calling,” I remind her. “And in my defense, I was too busy getting railed.”
“What a coincidence! It was the same for me!”
I sit up straight in my bed. “You’re seeing someone?!”
She hesitates only for a moment before she says, “Yes.”
“Is it serious? How long?”
“Don’t be pissed, but it’s been going on for about six weeks.”
“What?! And you didn’t tell me?”
“Well, you did threaten to make the next man I sleep with undergo a whole interview process, so no, I didn’t.”
“Yeah, because I didn’t want you to end up with another asshole. Did you hide him from me because he’s a jerk?”
