“Don’t shoot the messenger,” she carefully signs, “but Kate asked me to tell you that her threat about screening her calls still holds and that shewillget into her car to punch you in the tits.”
I grimace, realizing I won’t escape it. “Sorry, I’m calling her right now.”
Tami leaves with a compassionate smile as I grab my phone. Kate picks up before the first tone is even over.
“Andy, I swear to God, if you weren’t already miserable, I’d scold the living shit out of you. You can’t ignore me like that. I was so worried.”
“How do you even know I’m miserable?”
“Tami told me you’ve been moping in bed all day. What’s happening? What the fuck did he do this time? How hard do I need to break his stupid face?”
I don’t answer right away, trying to figure out where I should even start. I don’t want her to hate Lex again, but I also don’t want to minimize everything so much that she callsmea cretin.
“Deedee, talk to me,” she begs after a moment. “I’d come if I could, but I have this damn case I need to work on, so I really can’t drive there and back.”
“I’m… I’m realizing some things, and it’s making me feel like the world is ending.”
“What things?”
“I’m so stupid for ever thinking we were a good match. I’m me, and he’s so amazing, and great, and gorgeous, and smart…”
“Do you know who else is amazing, great, gorgeous, and smart?”
“I’m not at his level, blondie.”
“Where is this coming from? Last time we talked, you two were madly in love. What happened?”
“I—I learned he was briefly married to the most perfect woman on this planet. Like, I’m not even exaggerating.”
“Wow, what?! And he told you on his birthday?”
“Actually, his mother did.”
“You met hismother?”
“I met the whole Coleman gang except his father.”
“Wait, hold on. Can you give me some context? I’m so lost right now.”
After a sigh, I tell her about his family’s surprise visit, the dinner, and his mom dropping the bomb on me. I also tell her about the argument we had afterward, but I don’t mention the toxic sex. Then I explain how he came to get me in my car, and how he took such tender care of me before holding me in his arms as he answered all myquestions.
“Okay, first of all, his mother sounds like such a bitch,” Kate says once I’m done. “Second, I can’t believe he hid the fact that he was married before,” she says once I’m done, shocked.
“I genuinely think it wasn’t deceitful. That brief marriage doesn’t matter to him, so he didn’t see the point in sharing it with me. I’m more annoyed by the fact that he was with her forfouryears, and she meant nothing to him. I mean, I practically fell in love with Evora Campbell reading about her. And he’s known her since they were kids but didn’t love her?! She’s literally perfect, Kate!”
“No one’s actually perfect. Though I’m checking her Insta right now, and that woman isgorgeous, what the fuck?”
“See?! That’s what I mean! He tapped that forfouryears! How can he be content fuckingmefor the rest of his life?!”
“Looks aren’t everything, babe. Now that I’m looking at what she does, I think I knew about her, but I never actually looked into her? She seems super involved in a lot of great things.”
“You’re really not helping, Kate.”
“Oh, wow, did you know she was in an episode of Shark Week? To spread awareness about the massive extinction they’re facing. She swam with a bunch of them. God, they’re huge! She’s such a badass.”
“I’m going to hang up now because you’re making me feel worse.”
“Yeah, I don’t know what to tell you, Deedee. She’s perfect, and you’re fucked. Might as well call Lex and break up with him right now,” she says in a matter-of-fact tone.
