But it isn’t enough. I missed all of him, not just the sex. I missed being with him, waking up by his side, making him laugh…
The realization that all he wants from me is sex sobers me up at once. The high I was on moments ago is gone, leaving nothing but regret in its wake.
How the hell did I let this happen? There’s no way I’ll allow myself to relapse and get back to four weeks ago, to being an inconsolable mess.
“Lex,” I start, my voice uneven. It’s hard to form sentences with his fingers still actively working me up to a mind-blowing orgasm.Fuck, he’s so good at this…
I grab both his hands and tug at them. “Stop,” I demand, my voice firmer. “We can’t do this.”
It takes him less than a second to react despite his drunk state. His hand whips out of my underwear while the other frees my neck, and he jerks back, his expression a mix of panic and shock. We stay unmoving, the lustful mood shifting to shame and embarrassment. My heavy breaths fill the silence, and I wonder if he can also hear my heartbeat. The need between my legs is almost painful. My climax was so, so close.
He’s the one who breaks through the awkwardness. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen. I’m not good at holding my liquor.”
There it is, the painful truth.
“It’s fine,” I lie. “We got carried away. It happens.” I need to believe those painful words, or I’ll never get over tonight.
He turns to me with furrowed brows, hesitant. “I’m sorry, Andrea.”
“I don’t want to talk about it. Just… get out.”
I stare ahead and start counting the seconds to distract myself. He grabs the handle on two, opens the door on five, gets out by eight, and shuts the door on nine without another word or look. I peer at his retreating silhouette until he disappears behind the heavy glass doors. Then, I press my forehead on the steering wheel with a long sigh. I’m so fucking pathetic. I never should have let him do that.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” I scold myself.
I have to get home and shower to erase all traces of Lex. And I have to make that need between my legs go away. Having an objective gives me the will to start the car and drive away.
I have to fuck the lust out of my system and remind myself I don’t need Lex.
And for that, I need Jensen.
“Ah, fuck,” I moan.
I come hard, my soft cries of ecstasy resonating in the narrow stall, the soft buzzing of Jensen and the water running not enough to cover any of it.
Wave after wave roams my body, making me quiver as whimpers follow the rhythm of my rapid breathing. I push my climax until it becomes too much. I don’t want it to stop. I want to remain in this high forever. It’s the only time I don’t feel like shit.
But I eventually have to give up, pulling out the vibrator as I open my eyes. I remain unmoving for a few seconds, waiting for my body to return to normal with the vibrating toy in my hand. As I come down from my orgasm, my entire mood comes down with it.
It’s always the same thing. For a few minutes, I allow myself to think ofhimbecause it’s my way to cope. It probably isn’t healthy, but I need this. I need to pretend for a moment that he’s still mine. And it feels good. So fucking good.
But then I feel terrible because it’s just my pathetic way of being in denial. I shouldn’t use Lex like this. I should go back to porn and forget about him, about us. But nothing else gets me off, and I’m not denying myself those small moments of pleasure.
If only I didn’t feel so fucking dirty and miserable afterward…
As if on autopilot, I finish my shower, brush my teeth, and return to my bedroom. I warned Tami that I was heading home but would come back if she couldn’t find a ride. Still wrapped in my towel, I check my phone on the nightstand.
Tamtam
It’s all good. Oli’s driving me back since it’s on his way. I hope you’re ok, bestie.
Me
Yeah, I was just tired. Enjoy the rest of your evening!
Wearing whatever I could find first for the night, I slip under my cold covers, still feeling like shit. I stare at the ceiling for a moment, asking myself a thousand questions.
What if I didn’t stop Lex?
