So, I do just that, grabbing Oli’s face to force him down onto mine, crashing our lips together.
Immediately, I know this is nothing like the unstoppable kiss I had with Lex. This is me desperately attempting to make those sparks ignite. This is me doing whatever I must to get my body to cooperate. This is me listening to reason instead of lust.
After a moment of shock, Oli eventually reacts and tilts his head to the side before raising a hand to rest it on the side of my throat, handling me delicately. I wait, unmoving, for something to happen.Anything.
Pressing my mouth harder on his, I intensify our kiss, trying to drag out the sensations I felt with Lex. When it still isn’t enough, I open my mouth to get more. Oli follows, and soon enough, our tongues are meeting. This is pleasant but not as shattering as I’d hoped for.
His lips are soft, pliant under mine. He lets me lead and only takes control when I allow it. It’s nice, enjoyable, but it still isn’t enough. Undoing my seatbelt to get closer to him, I raise the intensity again. With my head further to the side, I grab his jaw with both my hands, shoving my mouth harder against his.
In my eagerness to get closer to him, to draw out those feelings, I end up half-straddling Oli, one leg hooked over his, my skirt rising onmy thighs. Oli’s hands are on me, but in a sweet, gentle way, like he’s cradling me. But all I want is for him to need me like Lex did.
It doesn’t matter how much I try… The jolts of pleasure, the desire, and the need to have him aren’t coming. I want Oli to crawl into my mind like Lex did and take up all the room. I need this kiss to chase away the memory of the other one.
My experiences with my exes were less pleasurable than this. Itshouldbe enough. It was always enough. And he wants me; I can feel it in the hard bulge at his crotch and the lascivious touches of his tongue. He wants me, so we’re halfway there, aren’t we?
But it isn’t enough, nor okay. Now that I have tasted the immeasurable heights I can reach, it’s all I crave. The raw desire, the lust, the need, the passion… I want Oli to grab me, to pull me, to devour me, to want to fuck me right here, to kiss me like he’ll never kiss again.
Tears of frustration well up behind my closed eyelids.
In an attempt to get all those things, I do what I did to Lex. I lick Oli’s lips, bite them, undulate… When his hands don’t move, I grab them and set them on my ass, like Lex did, to show him what I need from him. But they barely stay there, quickly moving back up to my waist.
When, finally, they do something, it’s to gently push me away. “Andy,” he calls into our kiss. “Andy, we’re here.”
My blood freezes, making an icy chill run up my back. What the fuck am I doing?! Stunned, I push myself away from him and sit on my side of the car, avoiding his amber eyes. I’ve never,ever,acted like this before. Never used someone like I just did. Lex has fucked up my brain so badly that I’ve turned into a careless asshole.
Nauseous, I look at anything but him. As if to add to my shame, I meet the driver’s eyes in the rearview mirror. My stomach churns with disgust at the concupiscent look the stranger gives me. I reach for the handle, ready to get out, but Oliver rests his hand on my arm, holding me back.
“Andy, I…” He struggles to find what to say, his mind still blurry. I glance at the driver, who isn’t missing an ounce of this. “I really want to come up with you, but I want to do this the right way because I really like you,” Oli continues. “I want this to work out, so I don’t want us to rush into things.”
My heart is in my bowels now, and I’m really going to be sick. I need to get away from this situation, the car, Oli…
“Yes, you-you’re right,” I stammer, struggling to contain myself. I just gave Oliver the impression I’m into him when, in all truth, I’m as clueless as when the whole date started.
During my moment of insanity, Oli’s jacket fell from my shoulders. I pick it up from the floor and hand it to him before pulling the handle. “Thank you for everything, Oli,” I say as I exit the vehicle.
The door is barely closed when I hear the driver shout at Oli, “Are you crazy, man?!”
As I make my way to the apartment, I somehow feel even worse than I did on Friday evening after Lex brought me home. And deep down, I know exactly why. Had I not kissed my boss, this just now would have been the best kiss of my life. Better than with any of my boyfriends or flings.
But I know better now. I know too much.
Tami’s in the living room when I get there, and the smudged red lipstick betrays me despite how much I tried to clean it up in the elevator. When she asks me how it went, I give her two thumbs up and the best fake smile I can muster. I’m alone in my room when my phone rings.Please, let it not be Oli…
On the screen, I see the face of the only person I might agree to talk to right now. My voice of reason. Kate. “So!” comes her familiar voice when I pick up. “Tamika texted me to tell me the date went great! Tell me everything!”
“I literally got home five seconds ago.”
“We’ve been texting all evening. We’re rooting for you guys.” Okay, those two are getting a little too close. Since I say nothing for a while, Kate worries. “Babe, is everything alright?”
“I-I kissed him on the way home.”
“And …?”
“It wasn’t—it wasn’t like when I kissed…” I stop, letting her fill in the blanks. Admitting it out loud is too much.
After a long moment of reflection, she asks, “Andy. Do you like Oli?”
“Yes, a lot.”
