I’m curled up in his hold, my face shoved into his neck as he carries me inside the apartment and kicks the door closed behind us. He brings me to the couch, where he sits down with me on his lap, still holding me close. My bag is removed from my shoulder and dropped beside us on the cushion. Mulligrubs comes to greet me with her wet nose and enthusiastic licks, but I can’t even react to it.
Jake sends her to her bed and then focuses on me again. His hands are soothing, one gently grazing up and down my back while the other caresses my hair.
“Shh,” he murmurs into my ear. “I’m right here, sweetheart. Everything will be alright.”
I was wrong. He doesn’t give me the strength that I need to keep it all in. He gives me the safe space that I crave to let it all out.
In the aftermath of my twin’s death, I cried so much that I believed I reached my quota of tears for the rest of my life. I poured every single one I was allowed in this life, and there wouldn’t be more. But it seems I was wrong, they were merely recharging. And now, they all want out at the same time. Under me, Jake’s shirt is damp with them, my hand clutched at his neck while I keep him close.
Eventually, his gentle ministrations and whispers dissipate the ache. The tears slowly decrease, and I’m able to breathe rather than take in short and broken hiccups of air. I sniff rather inelegantly, which makes me realize it’s not only tears wetting his shirt. God, I’m such a mess.
At least I got rid of my over-the-top makeup before leaving my parents’ place, so it’s not as bad as it could have been.
Jake senses that I’m feeling better, and he softly rearranges us so he can look at me. His eyes are full of compassion as he wipes away the wetness from my cheeks and chin, his touch delicate and caring.
“Tell me what happened, love,” he softly asks.
“It’s my sister.”
“The one who had a car accident?”
I nod, sniffing again, and pass the back of my hand under my nose. “I thought she died never having even kissed a girl because she was so scared our parents would find out she was gay. And today, I learned she had a girlfriend, and they were in love.”
The thought of Victoria and young Penelope, who were so full of hope for their future, so full of love to give to one another, rips another small piece of my shredded heart. When a resurgence of tears comes, Jake is quick to react.
“Hey, it’s alright, sweetheart,” he murmurs, wiping them away before they can get anywhere. “Isn’t it a good thing?”
“I don’t know. I thought it would be because at least she knew love. But she only got two days of it. I keep thinking of all the things she had yet to experience, of how she finally got over her fears about our parents, how she had so many great firsts coming her way… And because of me—”
A sob shakes me, preventing me from uttering the rest, and Jake pulls me in again, embracing me with patience.
“I’m so-so sorry,” I stammer. “I haven’t cried in ten years, and I’m unleashing all this on you.”
“Ten years?” he echoes, surprised. I nod, passing a hand on my cheek to dry it. “I cry quite often.”
“Really?”
“Oh, yeah. I watched The Green Mile the other day. Iwept.”
Somehow, the image of Jake crying is so unexpected that it triggers a small giggle. “Losing my twin was such a traumatic experience that everything else became inconsequential. Edward sometimes called me a heartless robot.”
“Fuck that cunt. You’re not heartless, and you’re not a robot. He’s just a dickhead.”
“Still, I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to handle this mess. It’s probably because I barely slept this past week. I’m at the end of my tether.”
“Let’s put you to bed, then. We can talk more in the morning, but you need some rest, sweetheart.”
I nod, but neither of us moves. It feels good to be in his arms like this, snuggling on his lap, his hands grazing my hair and back, and the soft kisses he sometimes presses on my forehead.
My chest begins to hurt again, but it’s a different kind of ache. Instead of it feeling compressed, it’s like it’s pushing from the inside, swelling past its capacity. I’ve felt this several times before around him, and I can’t keep pretending like I don’t know what it means.
I bring a hand to his torso and push against it to look at him. He’s so impossibly handsome. I’ll never get over how beautiful he is, with his sharp jawline, lush lips, perfectly imperfect nose, amazing eyes… But the best thing about his dashing face is the expression on it right now. His affection for me goes beyond what we agreed on, and so does mine for him.
I can’t help myself, so I take his face between my trembling hands and press a kiss on his lips. When I move back, his eyes harbor even more tenderness.
“This is more than just a sex thing, isn’t it?” I whisper.
Jake’s gaze scans mine, and he brushes a strand away to tuck it behind my ear before carefully cupping the side of my face. “I think it is, yes.”
