"I understand." I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to ward off a chill that had nothing to do with the temperature. "I just don't know how long I can keep waiting." Even as I said it I knew it was a lie. I knew, in my heart, that I’d wait for however long I should as long as he was gonna be with me.
"I know. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry I can't give you more than that right now."
We stood there on the rooftop, close enough to touch but not touching, both of us wanting something we couldn't have. The city spread out below us, millions of people going about their lives, unaware that two people on a hospital rooftop were trying to navigate the ruins of choices they hadn't even made.
"I got another email from Daniel," I said eventually. "He needs an answer about the position soon."
Cassian nodded slowly. "What are you going to tell him?"
"I don't know. A week ago, I would have said no without hesitating. I didn't want to run again or make the same mistake I made five years ago." I stared at the horizon and the sun climbing higher in the sky. "But now... I don't know what I'm staying for anymore."
"You're staying for your career and for everything you've built here."
"Am I? Or am I staying because I keep hoping you'll choose me, and I'm too afraid to leave in case you finally do?"
He didn't answer. Or he didn't have an answer to give.
"I should go," I said. "I have patients to see. A job to do. All the things that are supposed to matter more than this."
"Calla, wait."
I paused, looking back at him.
"I know this isn't what you want to hear. And I know I'm asking you to be patient when you've already been patient for five years." His voice cracked, just slightly. "But I need you to know that what you said in that stairwell... it meant something to me. It means something. I just can't act on it right now."
I raised a brow. "Because of the investigation."
"Because of everything. The investigation, Maya, and the fact that I don't trust my own judgment anymore." He ran a hand through his hair. "I've spent the last eight months convincing myself that I'd moved on and what I had with Maya was enough. And now that's blown up in my face, and I don't know what's real and what's just... reaction or nostalgia.”
"Is that what I am to you? Nostalgia?"
"No." I was certain. "You're not familiar or nostalgia. You're terrifying. You've always been terrifying, because loving you means risking everything, and I've already lost so much."
Tears pricked my eyes, but blinked them back.
This wasn't the time or the place…
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CASSIAN
"Dr. Reed,thank you for coming. We've completed our initial review of the complaint and need to discuss what we've found."
"Of course."
Dr. Cross spread several folders across her desk, each one labeled with careful handwriting. I recognized my own name on one. Calla's on another.
"These are employment records from your time at Metropolitan General," she said. "Before you transferred to Obsidian."
Metropolitan. The hospital where Calla and I had worked during our marriage. It was where we'd fallen in love in operating rooms and fought in break rooms and slowly, painfully, broke apart.
"During our review, we discovered something that wasn't disclosed on either of your employment paperwork." She slid a document across the desk. "You and Dr. Karras were previously married."
I nodded slowly. "Yes. We divorced five years ago."
"This information was not included in your current files at Obsidian."
"It didn't seem relevant. We'd been divorced for years before she joined the hospital."
