Or maybe I didn’t.
I told Luke part of the truth, but I left out all the important bits. I think back to all the deep, honest conversations I had with the other Luke over the last five or six anniversaries, times when I dug into my soul, when I showed up as myself instead of who I wanted to be, or even who I pretended to be.
‘I’m sorry,’ I tell him. ‘I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way, although I didn’t realize they were mistakes at the time.’
‘You weren’t the only one, believe me.’
I reach out and rest my fingers lightly on the back of his hand. He doesn’t pull it away so I carry on. ‘I realize I’ve been emotionally checked out for the last few years and that must have been very frustrating for you.’
His eyes narrow, as if he’s unsure how I managed to hit the nail on the head. ‘Yes. Why was that, Jess? Have you … have you fallen out of love with me?’
The pain in his eyes almost breaks me. ‘No,’ I whisper, because that’s all the volume I can manage. ‘I love yousomuch. Maybe that’s the problem.’
‘The problem?’
I start weaving together threads of heartfelt discussions I had with the other Luke, hoping I can form something he will understand. ‘I was scared of losing you, of not being good enough for you.’
‘That makes no sense. If you were scared, why didn’t you just try harder instead of giving up?’
I sigh. ‘That’s what most normal people would do. That’s whatyouwould do, but it appears my subconscious had other ideas. I started pulling back, protecting myself. A punch won’t hurt as much if you can’t reach to get a really good hit in, will it?’
He gives me a look. ‘I would never punch you.’
‘You know what I mean. Deep down, I thought if I wasn’t perfect, you’d leave me – and that’s nothing to do with you!’ I add quickly. ‘I know you’ve always had my back. It’s a “me” thing. I didn’t think I was worthy, and I thought, one day, you’d realize that too, and it would all be over. So every time you brought up a very valid issue, it felt like criticism, as if you were just confirmingeverything I feared, and I panicked. But doing that for years on end is exhausting, so eventually, I put up walls to protect myself. I just didn’t realize I was shutting you out at the same time.’
He turns his hand over and grips my fingers. His palm is warm and comforting. ‘I’ve always known you were complicated, but I loved you because of that, not in spite of it.’
I smile weakly. ‘Sometimes, I felt like a “fixer-upper” project you were being very patient with but might abandon eventually.’
Something glints in his eyes, and I know I’ve hit home with that. ‘I’m sorry if I made you feel that way, but you have to know – I would never give up on you, Jess.’
I return the sceptical look he gave me a few minutes ago. ‘That’s not quite true, is it? You did. Earlier this evening.’
He exhales and grips my hand harder. ‘That was me just getting frustrated, not seeing a way through. I wasn’t one hundred per cent sure I was done, even though I said I was.’
‘I understand why you said what you said. I just want you to know that I do love you, more than ever, and that I believe in you. I just didn’t believe in myself very much.’
He lets go of my hand, lifts his backside off the seat and reaches over the table to hold my face, then delivers the softest, sweetest kiss. ‘No worries. I’ll believe in you for the both of us.’ He lets go, untangles his legs from his side of the picnic table and I do the same and, suddenly, we’re standing, wrapped around each other and our lips meet.
When we’ve finished kissing, I rest the side of my face against his shoulder, quivering on the inside as I ask, ‘So, about the next ten years … yes or no?’
He pulls back to look in my eyes. ‘I said “yes” ten years ago today, and I haven’t changed my mind.’
We walk back through the park, my hand enclosed by Luke’s larger one. ‘Luke?’
‘Uh-huh?’
‘Around our fifth anniversary, you know, when we went to Venice, was Elena ill?’
Luke stops walking and looks at me sharply. ‘How did you know that?’
Even though I felt sure of the things I’d experienced in my heart during the last two weeks, it gives me a jolt to know I’m right. ‘You told me.’
‘No, I didn’t! She was adamant she didn’t want anyone to know.’
‘It was just something that happened, you know, while I was … doing my other thing.’ I skip over using the words ‘time travelling’. That sounds unhinged, even to me. ‘But it’s true? That definitely happened.’
‘Yes.’ Luke begins walking again. ‘Actually, there’s something I need to tell you too. It’s back – Elena’s cancer.’
