‘If you walk away now, nothing will get resolved. We’ll justdo what we usually do – promise ourselves we’ll stuff all our feelings away for a night and get them out again tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes, Jess. It never comes.’
I stare at him and say nothing. He’s already overridden me once tonight, ploughed through my boundaries with a bulldozer. I’m not allowing him to do it again, not even in this small way.
‘You’re not going to say anything?’ he says.
‘I told you – I don’t want to talk right now.’
‘Why do we always have to do things on your timing?’
‘Because I’m not the one who betrayed your trust so spectacularly this evening. On a night to celebrate our relationship, you blew the foundations out right from underneath us. Is that what you want to hear?’
Instead of looking penitent, his expression pinches further. ‘I didnotbetray you.’
‘The fact you can’t see that is the whole issue here.’
‘What issue?’ He stands up and glares at me.
‘I can’t trust you anymore.’
For a split second, he looks as if I’ve punched him in the chest, but then he meets my anger with his own. ‘Maybe if you opened up to me a bit more, if youwouldtalk about the difficult stuff, rather than just walking away or going to the gym or burying yourself in work, then I would have realized just what a huge mistake I was making. We could have avoided all of this!’
‘And we’re back to making it Jess’s fault. Oh, goody!’
As well as being in charge of the people in his life, Luke is nearly always in charge of himself too. He rarely loses his temper, but when it goes, it goes. He lets out a growl of frustration so unexpected that I take a step back. ‘We’re going round in circles! I don’t even know how you can say that. I tried to help you.But you’d much rather paint yourself as the victim and me as the bad guy.’ He’s the one to break eye contact now, turning to pace towards the fireplace. He places one hand on the mantel then twists to look at me. ‘Whatever I do, it’s never enough, is it? You always find me wanting. If we had to receive a report card on our anniversary every year, mine would always say “could try harder”. And you know what? I do try, Jess. Every day. And you just don’t see it. You’re oblivious!’
‘You’re the one callingmeoblivious? That’s rich!’
‘If there’s someone who’s checked out of this marriage, who’s not paying attention, it’s not me.’
‘You’re the one who’s always half-buried in his phone, tapping away text messages to goodness-knows-who at all times of the day and night!’
He drops his head and looks at the rug, arm braced against the fireplace. When he looks up again, he says, ‘Well, it seems we’re at a stalemate because I don’t think you see me either.’ He pulls his hand away from the fireplace and straightens, as if he’s just made a decision of some kind, then he walks over to where his suit jacket is slung over the edge of the sofa and pulls a small gift bag out of the pocket and hands it to me.
‘What is this?’
‘One last surprise.’
Oh, no … He doesn’t get to deflect this way. He doesn’t get to be the hero, the good guy, after everything he’s done. I shake my head and put the bag down on the side table next to the armchair without bothering to open it. It’s not important at the moment. ‘Like I said … I’m going to bed.’
He stares at me as if I’ve done something terrible. ‘So you’re not going to even try?’
‘I will talk to you when I’m ready. It’s just not right now.’
He stares at the box and his features harden. ‘We both know that’s a lie.’
I don’t say anything. It doesn’tfeellike a lie in this moment, but I also don’t want to admit to myself that I’m not always good on the follow-through when we have this type of discussion.
He turns and looks at the sofa. ‘What if I were to beg you to stay and talk this through? Because I don’t think I can ride this merry-go-round one more time, Jess. Yes, I possibly messed up tonight, but I wasn’t doing it from a bad place. And I want the same things you want for our marriage! I want you to listen to what I think and how I feel, but when I try …’ He gestures with his hand to me, my body rigid with tension and halfway out the door. ‘I getthis.’
It’s no good. In this moment, I can’t give him what he’s asking. I recognize the strange sensations going on inside me, something that’s happened whenever I get into a heated discussion ever since I was a child. I can’t stop it. Everything inside me is slamming closed and shutting down. My heart is beating hard, my mind swimming.
He stares back at me and a look of disgust flickers across his features. ‘Then I’m out, Jess. I’ve tried everything I can think of and I’ve got nothing left.’ He strides past me into the hallway and grabs his coat from the hooks near the door.
‘Luke, what are you—?’
He turns as he releases the lock and opens the door. ‘I told you. I’m out. Done.’ And then he steps into the night and shuts it softly behind him.
CHAPTER FIVE
