JESS
I’m so stunned that I just stare at the back of the front door. What does ‘I’m out’ mean? My mouth moves but I’m unable to produce any words in response.
He just walked out on me! Afterhewas in the wrong.
I rip the door open and march down the short path to the wrought-iron gate, which is swinging gently, but once I’m past the box hedge that surrounds our paved front garden and onto the street, everything is quiet. There is no noise, apart from a neighbour’s dog barking, and the far-off city wallpaper of traffic punctuated by the odd siren. There is no movement, save for a scruffy-looking fox trotting along the other side of the road. It spots me, stares for a moment, then picks up its pace.
There is absolutely no sign of my husband.
I stare left, which leads to a rabbit warren of residential roads filled with red-brick Victorian terraced houses like ours and, ultimately, the park, and then I look right, which leads to the main road into Beckenham town centre.
Luke is much more likely to walk in open spaces to clear his head, so I turn left. I’m still wearing my heels and while mylong velvet dress keeps my legs warm, my arms are freezing. I’m tempted to go back and grab a coat, but Luke has much longer legs than mine and he’s already had a head start. If I turn back now, I might never catch up with him.
I make it as far as the road with the alleyway to the park and come to a halt. It’s chilly and I almost expect my breath to come out as tiny white puffs even though it’s May. There is no cloud cover, and the stars twinkle mercilessly above me. I shiver, not just on the outside but deep down in my core, and try to work out what to do.
While we live in a fairly safe neighbourhood, there is no way I’m going down an alleyway into a dark park alone, dressed like this.
After a few seconds, I huff and turn around, my pace much slower this time. There’s no point in hurrying now. If Luke went the other way, I’ve lost all hope of catching up with him.
When I return home, I’m shocked to find the front door wide open, light spilling onto the street from our hallway. Did I leave it like that? I honestly don’t remember. And how long have I been gone? Could someone have crept into the house? I hear a noise, but I can’t tell if it’s coming from inside or not. Are we being burgled right now?
I pause on the porch. ‘Hello?’
No one replies. I step inside and grab a bunch of keys from the bowl on the shelf above the radiator and hold them in my fist, just in case. ‘Luke?’
I close the front door behind me and the silence thickens. Creeping carefully along the tiled hallway, I peek in first the living room, then the kitchen diner. Empty.
I stand at the bottom of the stairs and listen. There are nocreaks or groans suggesting someone else is here with me. The first floor is in darkness, so I flip on the landing light at the bottom of the stairs and do a circuit of our bedroom, the guest room, and the bathroom. We’re hoping to add a loft extension at some point, but for now that’s all my tiny house has to offer. And it’s empty.
I walk back to our bedroom at the front of the house and sit down heavily on my side of the bed, dropping my keys on the duvet. He’s actually gone. What do I do now? And when is he coming back?
I sit there in stunned silence for at least ten minutes. I’m trying to process current events, but it seems my brain is unable to do anything but receive information from my five senses – the wall is off-white, my shoes dig into the carpet beneath my feet, there’s a vague smell of the perfume I spritzed while I was getting ready. Reasoning and understanding are beyond me at this moment.
And then I remember my phone.
I race downstairs into the kitchen and pull open my clutch, which is sitting on the counter where I left it. With shaking hands, I wake it up. There’s a red badge on my messages app. Six messages! But when I open it up, it’s all friends and family saying how much they enjoyed the party. Nothing from my husband.
However, there is one from Hannah:I saw Luke leaving the hotel but didn’t see you with him. Are you okay? Call me x
My thumbs hover above the keyboard, ready to reply, but how do I even begin to explain what’s happened in the last hour or so? I put my phone away. I’ll get back to Han later.
I go to put my phone down and get back to worrying when I realize what an idiot I’m being. Quickly, I exit the messagesapp and dial Luke’s number. I wait a torturously long time while it rings and then, of course, it goes to voicemail. I’m tempted to throw my handset across the room. When the beep comes, I realize I have no idea what to say so I hang up. The next three minutes are spent composing a calm, reasonable message but of course that’s not what comes out of my mouth when I dial again. Instead, I garble something about not understanding and please can we talk but then it’s like I leave my body slightly. I can hear my voice, but it doesn’t sound like me. It sounds like my mother. Unhinged. Pathetic. Desperate.
Written word might be better. I open the messages app back up.
Luke?
Where are you?
I wait thirty seconds and then add,Please come home. We need to talk.
But there’s nothing. No response. He doesn’t even read them.
Where is he?
I wander from the kitchen to the living room, staring at my phone screen, willing a notification box to slide in from the top and calm my galloping heartbeat. I know that Luke has a hot temper, but it takes a lot for him to lose it. When he does, he usually flares up, lets it all out, then calms down again quickly. It’s often all over and done within half an hour and then he’s ready to talk.
I check the time. It’s been forty-five minutes since he walked through the front door now. Why isn’t he answering? Did he mean it? Did he really, really mean it? He’s out? Does that mean the same as ‘over’, or does he just need some time to cool off?
