I hug her again. Hard. I know she doesn’t know she’s done all of this before, but I appreciate her helping me plan this party. ‘I’m grateful for him, but also for you.’
I let her words, and mine, settle in my heart and mind. Iamgrateful for Luke. More than I ever was before. We’re not perfect, but we have so much more potential than we’ve let ourselves realize. I feel as if I’ve matured hugely over the last twelve days. Last time, I was sulking at the absence of diamonds and roses and big romantic gestures, but love is more than that. It’s trust. It’s solidarity. It’s having each other’s backs, finding moments to connect in small ways every day.
Later, when Hannah taps the microphone and gives her speech, I take my turn once again. However, this time I thank not only our friends and family for coming, but I turn, make eye contact with my husband and thank him for all he is and all he’s done for me. He looks surprised but pleased, and when Hannah instructs the DJ to play ‘our’ song, I can hardly wait to slide into his arms and feel his solid warmth against me. I wonder if they can play this song on repeat forever, because I’m not sure I’m ready to let go.
‘I meant what I said,’ I whisper into his ear as couples start to fill the dance floor around us. ‘I love you, Luke.’
‘Yeah, I love you too,’ he mumbles back, but it feels as if he’s checked out, just going through the motions, and I can hardly blame him for it because, last time, I was too.
I pull back so he can see my face. ‘I mean really,reallylove you. I want this ten years to be the start of something, just the first chapter of the rest of our lives.’
He nods. ‘Me too.’ But there’s a sadness in his eyes that worries me. I know he’s telling me the truth – this is what he wants – I just suspect he’s given up believing it’s possible.
My thumb reaches again for the security of my wedding and engagement rings, and I can’t help noticing the space where one is missing. I wish I had his great-great-grandmother’s ring now, because what happens in the next half an hour is going to decide whether our marriage stands or falls.
Last time, I started a disastrous chain reaction when I flipped out after seeing my mother, one that ended with Luke walking out of my life. I can choose to handle the situation differently this time, and maybe that will be enough to stop him going. Yes, we have issues, big issues, to work on. It’ll take time, but we can do it if one of us doesn’t make a dramatic exit before we have a chance.
Just as he did last time, when the song ends, Luke looks at me and says, ‘I think it’s time to give you your final surprise of the day.’
I do my best to quell the quivering in my stomach. ‘Really?’
‘Yes. But I can’t give it to you here. We need to go outside.’
I slide my hand down his arm and lock my fingers between his, then meet his eyes again. ‘Then lead the way.’
A lone figure stands at the end of the terrace at the back of the hotel, hands on the stone balustrade, staring out into the evening. As our footsteps echo off the old manor house’s walls, she turns, smile hesitant, eyes full of hope.
My stomach rolls, an echo of what I felt the first time I lived this moment.
‘Hello, sweetheart.’
‘Hello, Mum.’
We stand there, looking at each other.
‘It’s … It’s good to see you,’ she adds, her eyes darting to Luke and then back onto me. ‘How are you?’
Having an out-of-body experience?That’s what it feels like. The sense of déjà vu is so strong it’s making me dizzy. ‘I’m okay,’ I finally manage.
I don’t know what to think about the woman standing in front of me. I want to believe what Luke said about her is true, but I’m very aware that in this timeline, I received no letter from her. I even checked the back of all my bullet journals to be sure. Does that mean she’s not going to AA, or doing the twelve steps? It’s a possibility. And I’m not sure I have it in me to open the door wide to her again, not when she has such a capacity for friendly fire. I felt a genuine sense of hope for the Mum in my other life. This one I’m not so sure about.
‘I tried to call you, contact you, over the years,’ she says, ‘but, you know … obviously, you blocked me, so we never … ’
The hairs on my spine rise and I’m instantly on high alert. Did I just detect a hint of resentment, of blame, in ‘you blocked me’? I don’t know. I feel the old familiar flames starting to lick the soles of my feet, the anger I finally could not contain when she turned something around on me and made it my fault. Every cell in my body is telling me to turn, to walk away, but I stand my ground.
I’m still so angry with Luke that he did this. Even now. He’s put me in an impossible situation.
I’m doing better, but I’m not fricking Superwoman. I need to get out of here before this control shakes apart. ‘Listen, Mum. I think we need to talk, but I’m not sure this is the time or the place.’
Especially when there’s an open bar thirty feet away.
‘Oh.’ Mum looks disappointed. ‘Okay.’
But she doesn’t yell or scream. Maybe there’s still hope.
‘I will get in touch next week and maybe we can meet up for a coffee and clear the air and, um, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t stay to the rest of the party, if that’s okay.’
I can’t be distracted, worrying if she’s snuck a drink from somewhere and is about to embarrass us again. My sole focus needs to be on Luke and our marriage this evening.
