When my phone rings, and I see it’s Hannah, I’m gratefulfor a reason to exit into the sunshine and stand in the car park, even though the traffic from the bypass next to the retail park is hurtling nosily past. ‘Hi. What’s up?’
‘Hey!’ Hannah replies, and then she launches into a rant about how her soon-to-be mother-in-law is trying to convince her groom to wear a velvet suit to their wedding instead of the top hat and tails she and Connor had planned. I let her vent, making suitable outraged or sympathetic noises as needed. When she finally runs out of steam, she wishes me a happy anniversary. ‘Did you get breakfast in bed and then just spend all morning in there?’ she asks, laughing. ‘Oh my God! Are you still in bed now? Want me to call back later?’
If only.
‘No, you’re all right,’ I say with a sigh.
‘I can’t wait to be Mrs Rowbridge and have long, lazy anniversary lie-ins,’ she says dreamily.
I feel a pang of sadness at her words, especially as, five years in the future, the end of her marriage comes after Connor has a series of long-lazy lie-ins with someone who isn’t Hannah. ‘You do realize that marriage is more than the bubble of love and confetti and rainbows it is at the beginning?’ I ask her, hoping I can pierce the skin of that bubble with a shard of common sense. Maybe I can save her some of the pain that’s coming a few years down the line. ‘It’s hard work. And both of you have to put the effort in.’
Hannah laughs. ‘Of course. Everyone knows that!’
Or they think they do, I reply silently. I thought it myself until extremely recently, didn’t I? I was so complacent.
‘That’s why we make sure we choose the person who’s going to have our back, will still be in it with us when the going gets tough.’
Maybe I sound more serious than I intended to, because Hannah asks if I’m okay, and then she asks if I’m truly happy for her. My stomach nose-dives. The truth is, I’m not. I know what an arsehole Conner is and I so badly want to tell her, but she’ll never believe me if I explain why and how I know.
‘I just want what you and Luke have. That’s not unrealistic, is it?’
‘No,’ I say quietly. It’s what we all want when we say, ‘I do’. I can’t fault her for that. And I suspect even if I point out the red flags, she won’t listen. All I’ll do is alienate her, and she’s going to need me in the months and years to come.
‘Of course, I’m happy that you are deliriously in love. I’ve always wanted you to find your person, but … ’
‘But … ?’
How do I say this? ‘I want you to know that I’m your person too. That I will always have your back. Just remember that, will you?’
‘Aww, Jess … Now you’ve got me crying! I don’t know what … Oh, God! His mum is calling me again! I’d better answer, otherwise I’m going to be getting married to a man who looks like he got his wedding suit inspiration from a second-hand sofa sale!’
We say our goodbyes quickly and she rings off. I stand in the car park, listening to the roar of the traffic and squinting against the sun. I’m sad. For my best friend, but also for myself. When I hear the love and hope in her voice, I remember that I was there, feeling exactly the same things, only four days ago, and yet – I glance back at the glass doors to the flooring warehouse – here we are. I don’t remember arguing on this anniversary in the past, but we might have done.
As I lock my phone and shove it back in my jeans pocket, I turn and walk back inside. That’s what this is, isn’t it? A silly tiff. Looking back in my bullet journal, there’s nothing big that Luke and I are struggling with at the moment, but feeling the seconds tick away, knowing our tenth anniversary is only a few days around the corner, I can’t help but get paranoid.
I need to have faith – in Luke, but also in myself.
Luke and Elena are no longer where I left them, so as I wander up and down the aisles of laminate and carpet samples, I come to a decision. I’m going to stop reacting to every little thing as if it’s aTitanic-level disaster and take a breath. I’ll go home, take a bath, read a book, whatever … And when Luke gets back, hopefully we’ll both be in a better frame of mind.
I finally spot Elena frowning at a rack full of luxury vinyl tile samples. ‘Where’s Luke?’
She nods towards a display with a miniature set of stairs, complete with runner and brass rods. Luke is standing nearby, deep in conversation with a man I think I recognize as having once worked for his father. It doesn’t look as if he’s going to be free any time soon.
‘Actually, while I’ve got you on your own,’ I say to Elena, ‘I wanted to tell you about Luke’s party.’
Elena frowns. ‘He hasn’t said anything.’
I dart a quick look at my husband. ‘That’s because it’s a surprise.’
‘Oh … I get it. That’s why he was talking about … never mind.’
Luke’s been talking to Elena about his birthday? Has he told her he’s pissed off with me about not going away?
‘Anyway, I think it is a great idea! What do you have planned?’
While we’re waiting, I give Elena the rundown of the time and date. She even offers to create a distraction and bring him along to the party pretending it’s a house viewing or something. I smile tightly at her. ‘That’s very kind, but I’ve got it covered.’
She just shrugs and does the cute pursed-lip smile that’s her trademark.
