Luke devours his forkful and thinks while he chews. ‘I was thinking maybe we’d go away somewhere? I know we can’t afford much because we don’t want to eat into our house deposit, but how about renting a cottage for the weekend after my birthday?’
I keep smiling but it becomes even more rigid. ‘That sounds great.’
‘You don’t sound that enthused.’
I’m not. That’s the weekend of the party. According to the neatly ticked lists on a double page in my bullet journal, the function room is already booked, and invites have gone out.
I’m going to have to talk him out of this somehow. Last time, Luke loved this party, mentioned for years how much he appreciated me going to all that effort and how pleased he was that I knew that being with friends and family that day was the perfect way to celebrate. I’m worried that if it doesn’t happen again this time around it’ll put a big dent in any progress I’m making. I need the goodwill it will bring me in the coming years.
‘You know I would love to get away, but things are a bit hectic at the moment, especially with the new renovation you’re doing with Elena. What happens if you blow your budget for that? You’re right – you don’t want to dip into our savings to cover any extras. It might not be the best time to spend that extra money.’
‘We’re only going to be thirty once, Jess.’
Oh, if only he knew …
‘We’ll see,’ I say, hoping I can fob him off a bit longer.
Luke’s jaw tenses. ‘In other words, you don’t want to.’
‘No,’ I jump in quickly. ‘It’s not that. It’s just … ’ Urgh. How do I explain this?
‘Never mind,’ he says, stabbing at a bit of bacon with slightly more force than necessary. ‘I should have known it was a bad time to bring it up.’
‘What does that mean?’
He busies himself with his breakfast for a while but eventually says, ‘When we argue, it’s like everything I say is wrong. You have to push back on absolutely everything.’
‘That’s not true,’ I say, maybe a tad too quickly.
It’s not lost on my husband.
‘I’m sorry, okay?’
He frowns. ‘For what?’
‘For … for last night. For all of it.’ And I’m sure I would be if I knew what it was, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make a genuine apology. We probably bickered over who was supposed to unload the dishwasher or something.
‘I know that, Jess. But we had an agreement. We’re supposed to be a team, yet you continually leave me out of things I should be included in.’
‘Like what?’
Luke gives me a steadying look. ‘You know what. And if you don’t, then I can’t do anything to help you. Maybe you need to start paying a bit more attention to what’s going on between us.’
Inside my head, I’m screaming. I can feel the day slipping away from me and I have no idea how to salvage it. All I can do is nod and pretend I know what he’s talking about.
Luke pushes his unfinished breakfast away from him andsignals to the server for the bill. ‘I need to get going. I’ll see you later this afternoon.’
‘You’re going out? We’re not … We’re not spending the day together?’
He tips his head on one side and gives me a look that makes me wither a little inside. ‘I’ve got to go to the flooring suppliers – I told you all this yesterday.’ He shakes his head and pulls his phone out as the server comes over with the machine. ‘Did you honestly not just hear what I said about paying attention?’
But that’ll be hours lost and I can’t afford that, not after the day has started so badly. ‘I’m sorry, Luke, I really am. It’s just I’ve got a lot going through my head at the moment. The house-hunting … Han’s wedding … I know I’m messing up, but I want to make it up to you. Can I … Can I tag along?’
Some of the fire leaves his eyes. He sags a little. ‘Sure. Knock yourself out.’
I shouldn’t have come. I’m trailing around a flooring supply warehouse, trying to look interested, while Luke and Elena have intense conversations about the pros and cons of real wood versus Amtico, and I have nothing useful to contribute. I glance across at them as she laughs and places a hand on his forearm. He smiles back at her.
It was the fear that got me. Fear that I wasn’t doing enough, that I wasn’t being a good wife to Luke. I should’ve listened to my instincts. I know that he needs time to calm down after an argument, and I’m not giving him any space.
