‘Luke … ’
He’s in full flow now, not listening to the warning tone of my voice. ‘I want to see you shine more … every day. For the rest of our lives.’ He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring box, quickly flipping the lid open as he drops to one knee. ‘Jess … Will you marry me?’
My heart goes into free fall. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know where to look, so I focus on his great-great-grandmother’s engagement ring.
Putting it on my finger, closing my eyes and wishing that somehow I could undo everything that had happened, was the last sensible thing I remember before I got catapulted out of my normal life and into this sideshow of an existence. I want to grabit out of its velvet cushion. Maybe I could get its magic to work again and it can take me back to where and when I’m supposed to be?
My fingers twitch, but I stop myself from reaching out and touching it.
‘You can choose something else you like better if you want to,’ he tells me, studying my face earnestly.
Last time I did just that. It’s not that I didn’t think it was beautiful, with its tiny emeralds entwined between the diamond leaves. But nobody had ever bought me an expensive piece of jewellery. Nobody ever went out shopping and thought about who I was, then chose something that represented me completely. I’d wanted that so badly. Not a ring that was picked for a woman generations ago that I didn’t even know.
At the time, the ring seemed impersonal to me. Disconnected. But looking at it now, I realize I missed the true significance of what Luke had been trying to tell me by offering it to me.
Cringing as I think of it, I recall how I asked if we could get something different, and we’d ended up visiting a jeweller’s the following weekend. I chose a square-cut diamond solitaire in white gold with tiny diamonds in the shoulders. At the time, I took Luke at his word, believed him when he said he didn’t mind, but now I get the oddest feeling he was just telling me what I wanted to hear.
But I suppose I wasn’t entirely honest with him either. Not long before Luke proposed, we went to Sunday lunch at his parents’ house, and his dad mentioned the ring. Afterwards, I realized it probably wasn’t a coincidence the subject had come up; Luke must have asked his parents for the ring if he knew he was going to propose.
Anyway, Ed told the story of how his mum and dad had a massive argument on their honeymoon because the ring had been a little too loose for his mum’s fingers and when they’d gone swimming on a beach in Torquay, it had slipped off. They’d spent hours looking for it before the tide had come in and they’d had to go back to the guesthouse they were staying at empty-handed.
Grandpa Harris was angry she’d lost the ring and upset because it was a reminder of his mother, things had got heated and, by all accounts, he’d been talking about ending it all (although there are varying opinions within the family as to how serious he was about this or whether he was just having one of his much-reported tantrums).
Luke’s gran had run from the hotel, crying, and sat on the beach until the sun started coming up. By that point, the tide had been retreating and she stopped to look in a rock pool and there, glinting atop a waving thatch of emerald seaweed, was the ring. It went straight back on her hand and she never took it off again. They were married for fifty-six years after that and she was utterly convinced it saved her marriage.
So, to be honest, when Luke pulled the ring out and proposed with it, I freaked out. All those stories of happy marriages and once-in-a-lifetime love stories … ? It seemed like an awful lot to live up to. While the Harrises might be good at those things, my family’s track record was a little more … patchy.
Feeling panic rising inside of me, I’d reasoned that maybe it was better if the ring went to someone else, because it was very likely I’d be the first bride to wear it who would spoil the streak. I didn’t want to curse our future together. I loved Luke so much that I didn’t want to take that chance.
I place my palm on his chest. His heart is beating like a hummingbird’s.
‘I do love you, Luke, I really do … ’ My voice is thick with tears. I’m telling the truth. As much as I hate him right now, I also love him. I’vealwaysloved him.
‘Are you saying no?’ he whispers.
I shake my head, moving my forehead gently against his. ‘I’m not saying no.’
But I also don’t know if I can bring myself to say yes. Even though I’m feeling all the things I felt the first time he asked me, there’s also a new slice in my heart that just won’t heal.
‘The truth is, I don’t know … We haven’t been together that long. Are we rushing into things? Do you honestly think we’re ready?’
He stares back at me, confusion etched all over his features. ‘Iam.’
I know he’s telling the truth. But I also know I have a unique advantage here. Two nights ago, this Luke was probably in the throes of planning his big romantic proposal. This Luke and Jess were besotted with each other and finding it painful to be apart. But two nights ago, I watched the man I love more than anything else in this universe give up on me. As honest and earnest as he’s being right now, I can’t let go of that.
‘I’m not saying no, but I am saying “not right now”. I’m sorry I can’t give you another answer, I truly am.’ And then I start to cry. For him. For me. For this whole stupid mess.
Luke puts his arms around my shoulders and waits a few seconds, silently asking me for permission, then pulls me close again. ‘It’s okay,’ he says into my hair. But I can tell that he’s quietly devastated by my answer and that only makes me cryharder. ‘You’re right. It’s only been a year,’ he adds, his voice having gained a rough edge. ‘I know that I love you and you love me—’ I nod against his chest as he says this ‘—and that’s all that matters for now.’
He presses his lips to mine in a kiss that is rich with pain and emotion.
‘It’s okay,’ he says, but I’m not sure which of us he’s soothing. ‘We’ll just take it one day at a time.’
One day at a time.If only he knew.
I have no other choice at this moment.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
