I nod, looking wistfully at the house. ‘I always wanted a birthday party like this, but I never got one.’
‘You didn’t?’
Luke sounds so shocked that I turn to look at him. I can’t believe I’ve never told him this detail about my childhood before, but maybe I haven’t. I prefer not to talk about it. ‘No.’
He frowns. ‘But what in particular? The cake? The karaoke? The movie?’
‘All of it.’ He doesn’t press, just waits. And I know it would be okay if I didn’t say anything more. ‘Dad is great with the twins, but he went AWOL for a while after he and Mum split up. I don’t blame him, really. She was angry, devastated he’d left her for someone else, and she wasn’t afraid to let him know it. But I don’t blame her, either. She had every right to be hurt about what he did. But that’s … ’ I pause, not quite ready to say the words.
‘That’s … ?’ Luke prompts softly.
I look down at the top of the beech garden table. ‘That’s when she started drinking too much.’
There. I’ve said it. Luke was the first person I admitted this too, although I didn’t manage to spill the beans until our honeymoon last time. I kind of had to, after what happened at the wedding. But maybe because in my real life, he already knows all this and has done for years, it’s easier to get over the mental barrier and reveal the truth.
I risk a quick glance at Luke. It’s hard not to smile. His face is so serious, but I can’t help noticing the glittery hair clips. ‘I knew there was something going on between you and your mum,’ he says. ‘I just didn’t know what.’
I nod. ‘At the time, I just thought she didn’t care enough. But the truth was that Mum couldn’t cope. With anything, let alone arranging more than a card and a present for a birthday. At least she did that. But I was always getting invited to interesting activities or big parties that other parents threw for their kids. I loved going along, but there was always this ache in my heart behind my smile. So, yes, the girls are lucky – for having a mum and dad who put the effort in this way.’
‘Are you angry your dad didn’t do more for you after the divorce?’
I sigh. ‘Strangely enough, no. Now, I can see he was going through some kind of mid-life crisis. Thankfully, Lola came along and straightened him out. Back then, even though he’d left, I kind of hero-worshipped him, probably because I was just desperate for any kind of attention he’d give me.’
It takes a moment, but I have a revelation about my relationship with my parents. ‘I probably wasn’t very fair to my mum during those years. I blamed her, even though I didn’t know the details of what had gone on between them. That probably hasn’t helped how our relationship ended up. I was already angry with her for being physically in the house but never truly emotionally present. I think I just heaped all that birthday disappointment onto her pile as well, instead of dishing it out evenly between my parents.’
‘You know it wasn’t anything to do with you, don’t you?’
I try to speak but it feels as if my throat has swollen shut. My eyes blur.
Luke stands up, takes my hand and pulls me up to meet him. ‘Jessica Boyd, you are worth celebrating. I just want you to know that.’
His words get me straight in my heart, like they always used to. And the reason I married him was because it wasn’t just words; Luke always backed up his declarations with actions. At least, he used to.
He reaches up and bends one of the clips in his hair so it opens, then pulls it out. I hold my hand out so he can place it there, and then I help him remove the rest. I also take the pack of make-up wipes out of my back pocket and slowly wipe the blue and purple eyeshadow and the pale-pink lipstick off his lips. All the while he stares at me. Not in a creepy way, but in a Luke way. Like he’s just enjoying looking at me, and it wouldn’t matter what I looked like or what I was doing, he would always look at me that way.
When I finish, he takes the clips and wipes from me and puts them on the table, then says, ‘That must have been hard to tell me – about your mum … her drinking.’
I swallow, and then my chin bobs up and down, just once.
He places a hand either side of my face and looks into my eyes. ‘You don’t know how much it means to me that you trusted me enough to tell me that.’
‘Really?’ My voice is strangely hoarse. I never saw this information as anything but a burden.
‘Really. I know it’s hard for you to open up.’
I feel a pressure behind my eyeballs as tears build.
Luke kisses my forehead and then my lips, so tenderly, as if I’m fragile … no, not fragile. Precious. ‘I live for the moments that you let me glimpse what’s behind all those shields,’ he tells me. ‘And I don’t mind that it doesn’t happen very often; as long as it happens sometimes, that I get to see the real you.’
My knees lose stability, as if someone has just tried to whackmy legs from under me with a big stick. I’m not sure if I’m enchanted by his words or haunted by the knowledge that, after ten years of marriage, he’s seen as much of the ‘real’ Jessica as he’s likely to, and it turns out he doesn’t like that woman very much.
I let out a shaky chuckle. ‘Be careful what you wish for.’
He doesn’t laugh along with me. Instead, I see sadness gather in his eyes. He sighs. ‘I wish I could make you see yourself the way I see you, Jess. You don’t see it, but when you let yourself, you shine.’
He falls silent. I try and process his words, but I can’t. Shine. What does that mean? All I can think is that he sees me like a bare light bulb – functional and, yes, maybe not unattractive, but if you stare at it for too long, it’ll hurt your eyes.
Luke looks as if he’s trying to make up his mind about something, then he shakes his head, as if he can’t quite believe what he’s thinking. ‘Stuff it … I had this whole thing planned, but I … I don’t want to wait. Ican’twait. And I always said today was our lucky day.’
