They’d stayed there, too knackered to get up, giggling about stupid things. It was as if the hysterics in the bathroom had never happened.
I started to doze. Not properly asleep but also not paying much attention to anything, and then the door slammed open, waking me up. She was already gone.
You don’t know how much of a head start she had on you?
She thinks about how to answer his question for a few moments.
I can’t have been there on my own for more than twenty minutes. Absolute max. And then your friend came crashing in.
There’s a long pause between messages and she gets the weirdest feeling that everything has suddenly got awkward.
Gil?
Yes. And I was fed up because of King Cup, so I told him I wasn’t carrying Meg home – he was going to have to do it. And he better go and find her too. It was his fault she’d drunk too much and done a disappearing act.
The fire still burned in her when she thought of his face that night. But now she’s thousands of miles and almost nine months away from the tragedy, she wonders if actually she’s angrier at herself.
For drinking more than she’d planned to.
For letting Megan do the same.
For falling back to sleep on that super king bed in the upstairs of Posh Guy’s house, when she really should have been looking for her friend.
And maybe it was easier to blame all of it on Gil than it was to admit she was a part of the reason Meg never made it past twenty-two.
CHAPTER FORTY
Present Day
I look through the little glass window in my hospital room door. The corridor is busy, but empty of the person I’m waiting for. I sigh and take another circuit around the room. I’m no longer in a hospital gown, or even pyjamas. For the last few days, I’ve been wearing comfortable, casual clothes. It makes me feel more like a functional human being than an invalid.
‘No sign?’ my mother says from the armchair. She’s scribbling away in a notebook, jotting down everything she wants to ask the consultant when she arrives. I’ve been here almost four weeks now, and I’m hoping she’ll say I can go home today.
Mum has completely astonished me since I’ve been conscious enough to be aware of it. She spent almost every waking hour in my hospital room at first, only taking breaks to eat and occasionally go home to have a shower, change clothes and come back. Since they’ve instigated more of a visiting schedule, she’s been here every moment she can. She’s also been an amazing advocate for me with the medical staff when I haven’t been able to do it for myself. I don’t know what I would have done without her.
This is what I’ve always wanted. A parent whose sole focus is on me,but now that I’ve got it, I find I just can’t summon it within myself to be bothered.
That sounds terrible. But it’s how it is. I’m just being honest. With myself, if not with her. But it’s not only Mum. It’s everyone. Everything. I feel numb. As if all my emotions have left me and taken a holiday. But this too, the doctors tell me, is normal after a head injury. I won’t feel like an emotionless robot forever. I hope.
Simon is sitting on the edge of the bed, and I sit back down next to him and shake my head. ‘No sign yet.’
He puts his arm around me. ‘I’m sure she won’t be long,’ he says, then kisses me gently on the side of my head. He’s also being amazing. The perfect fiancé. I know if it wasn’t hospital policy not to have flowers in the rooms, mine would be overflowing. He’s been here almost as much as my mum.
‘Good news,’ he says. ‘The office has said I can have two more weeks’ compassionate leave, so I won’t have to use any annual leave for now – we can still save it for our honeymoon.’
‘That is good,’ I say, faking a smile. He’s been talking about rescheduling for later in the year. And as much as I love Simon, at the moment I just can’t bring myself to get excited about it. Part of me wishes I’d had the accidentafterwe’d said our vows. It’s not getting married I’m feeling lacklustre about but planning another wedding. I just can’t face the thought of all that stress again.
An awful thought enters my head. I turn to Simon. ‘Have we got enough money to do another wedding? Didn’t we lose all our deposits?’
Simon rubs my arm again. ‘It’s okay, Erin,’ he says softly, patiently, and I sense we’ve had this conversation before. ‘Yes, we lost a few deposits, but a lot of the suppliers have been really understanding,even the venue. We can rebook when we’re ready. Whenyou’reready.’
I lean over and kiss him on the cheek, closing my eyes. I feel something. It’s weak, barely detectable, but it’s there, a flickering of warmth and gratitude for this man. He’s being so patient with me.
I suspect I might seem like a different woman now from the one Simon proposed to. But I also sense the last few weeks have changed him too. He’s always been charming and fun to be around. He’s always treated me impeccably, but I often wondered if we could be closer. Sometimes, it felt as if we lived our lives together but in separate bubbles. Probably because we’re both very independent and neither of us finds it easy to show on the outside what we’re feeling on the inside. Simon didn’t always share a lot of stuff with me, but that was okay because I knew how much he loved me. Right from the start, he showed me what kind of man he was.
But now … He’s doing it all, saying it all. Even though it’s bouncing off me, I can appreciate it in a logical kind of way. And as my knocked-around brain heals, those warm, fuzzy feelings will return, won’t they?
There’s a knock at the door, and I instantly stand up. However, it’s not Doctor Sethi who walks through the door, but Gil.
