I feel as if a lightning bolt shoots down through the ceiling and straight through my body. I grip on to the side of the mattress with both hands, feeling suddenly breathless. Where there was numbness, there is now life. Emotions. Colour. Memories.
And the very last one I have of him is being wrapped around him in warm tropical water, his mouth on mine, wishing I wasn’t a mile offshore and our hotel bedroom wasa lotcloser.
I blush so hard I have to look at my feet. My pulse thuds inside my skull.
When I look up again, Gil is smiling at Simon, but when he turns his attention to me, his expression clouds over. Not with irritation or frustration, as it has in the past, but an expression I saw countless times on his face when I was asleep and dreaming about him.
‘Listen,’ Mum says. ‘She’s only really supposed to have two visitors at a time, so why don’t I just pop out and—’
Gil looks slightly horrified. ‘Oh, no … I don’t want to impose.’
Mum packs her pen and notebook into her vast handbag and shakes her head. ‘Don’t be silly. It’s good for Erin to have different visitors. Besides, the food in here is horrendous, processed mush. I’ve been meaning to pop to the supermarket next door to pick up some fruit and healthy snacks. You’ll probably be gone by the time I get back.’
She comes over to me and hugs me like it’s the last time she’ll ever see me, presses a fierce kiss to my forehead, then disappears out the door. The three of us are left alone in the room. The atmosphere grows decidedly more awkward.
I expect Gil to ask how I’m doing. It’s been the first thing out of every other visitor’s mouth, but he unhooks the backpack slung over his shoulder and rests it on the armchair. ‘I’ve got you something.’
I watch in fascination as he unzips the bag and pulls out a bundle of wires and a rather ancient-looking bit of technology. He glances up at me, seeming as off-kilter as I feel, and holds the item up. I know the name for it, but I just can’t pluck it from my brain.
Simon laughs. ‘Oh, my God. Is that a … a Walkman?’
Gil ignores Simon and keeps his eyes on me as he places it on the cabinet next to my hospital bed. ‘I know you like books, but Simon said you were struggling to read.’
I nod. ‘I can only manage a page before the words all start swimming around.’ It’s been one of the most disappointing things about being in hospital. Reading would have been a great way to pass the time, but it tires my healing brain out too quickly.
‘I thought audiobooks might be a good alternative.’
Simon chuckles. ‘For someone who works with technology, you’re a bit behind the times. There are apps that do that now.’
Gil doesn’t rise to the bait. ‘But either Erin would have to download the app, work out how to use it, how to buy the books, or I would need her account details to do that for her. So I thought old-school might be the way to go. A button to start, a button to stop, a button to open the lid.’ He presses the corner of the machine to demonstrate. Then he reaches back into his backpack and pulls out a stack of CDs with brightly coloured covers. I recognize them as titles by my favourite authors.
I look up at him in shock. ‘Where on earth did you find these? I haven’t seen audiobooks on sale like this for ages!’
‘Local bookshop had one. The rest are the spoils from a charity shop crawl.’
I read out some of the titles. ‘And how did you …?’
He shrugs, answering me even though I haven’t finished my sentence. ‘Every time I go into a person’s house, I check out their bookshelves. Just remembered seeing these names there.’
I’m amazed. But then Gil always was one for details.
A shiver ripples through me as I have a sudden flashback from my dream – one that proved just how mind-blowing all that focus and attention to detail could be, put to the right uses.
I shake my head softly as if to dislodge the memory. Except that it’s not a memory, is it? It’s nothing. Just something my brain dreamed up while I was unconscious. I have to keep telling myself that, even if all the colour, the sights and sounds, the emotions of that time in dream St Lucia feel more real than the blurry reality I’m currently living in.
It’s almost impossible to look Gil in the eyes, so I mumble my thanks and let him show me where the different buttons are. He’s right, it’s so simple even I shouldn’t be able to stuff it up.
When I glance in his direction, he’s studying me, and I can tell he thinks I’m behaving oddly, possibly even being ungrateful, but I don’t know how to act any differently, and I can’t explain why I’m almost hyperventilating, can I? That would be mortifying.
Thankfully, I’m saved from any further embarrassment by a knock on the door and a couple of moments later, Dr Sethi walks into the room. She checks her clipboard and smiles at me. ‘Erin … It would be good to have a chat. A little bit of an update. I know you’ve been anxious to get home.’
Gil puts down the Walkman back on the bedside table and glances at the door. ‘I should go—’
Simon cuts him off. ‘No, mate. Stay … I mean, you’re the one who found her and called an ambulance. You’re as much a part of this as any of us are.’
I haven’t got time to pick apart how Simon has just skated across any thoughts of privacy for what might be a very personal discussion, because I turn to look sharply at Gil. ‘It was you who found me?’
He nods, then looks at his shoes. I want him to tell me exactly what he remembers about that night, but the doctorgives a cough. Gil zips up his rucksack. This might be my only chance to ask those questions, especially as he’s feeling charitable towards me at the moment.
