I really didn’t. And I really am sorry. All the anger and irritation I’ve been feeling for him in the last few days has melted away, dissolved by the salty water, and I’m not sure if it will ever come back. Because now I’ve truly seen him for who he is, I can’t un-see it.
I want to give something back to Gil, to thank him for being there for me today, even though I’ve broken his heart. Gil wanted the truth from me, and the truth I gave him was real, but it was also harsh. What he really meant was that he wanted me to open my heart to him.And maybe I can do that, just a little bit.
Even though it terrifies me, I dig deep and find something, a gift I’m not even sure he’ll want after all I’ve done. I tell him something I’d rather not admit to anyone, let alone myself. ‘I’m scared.’
The arm around my waist tightens. His chin rests on my shoulder momentarily. ‘So am I. But we can’t give up, Erin. We have to keep each other going. And I know you can do this. You’re strong … Stronger than just about anyone I’ve ever known. And if anyone has the determination to get out of this, you do.’
I kick slightly and turn in his arms to face him, looping one arm around his waist as he has mine. We’re joined together now, giving each other heat, giving each other rest. I look into his eyes and I want to cry.
It’s there again, the expression I saw when I walked down the aisle and he turned to see me. I lift my hand and touch his face. The tiny speck of truth I’ve given him isn’t nearly enough. I need to give him something more.
I press my forehead to his and then holding my breath, I bring our faces closer together until my lips are brushing his, moving in time with the lapping waves around our shoulders. One of his hands paddles while he reaches up with the other and cups my head to hold it steady and then he kisses me properly, slowly at first, making sure he’s not doing something I don’t want, but then more insistently.
And I join him. I lose myself in the feeling of being held and safe, even amid a vast and unending ocean, where nothing is solid, nothing is certain. There are kisses you relish in the moment because they make your blood fizz and your skin tingle,and then there are kisses that’ll mark you for a lifetime. This, I realize, is one of them.
I’ve lost all time and space, everything but Gil’s lips on mine, how his skin feels where our bodies are enmeshed in the water when I hear something.
Erin …
I freeze and pull back. ‘Did you hear that?’
‘Hear what?’ And before I can answer, we’re kissing again, clinging on to each other because we need to be close, not just because we need to stay afloat.
Erin …? Are you there?
I break away again. ‘What did you say?’
Gil’s eyes meet mine. ‘Nothing. But I was thinking …’ I see sadness in his eyes and it breaks my heart. ‘Is it too late, Erin? Is it really too late for us?’
And before I can answer, he kisses me again, this time pouring everything he is thinking and feeling into it. It sweeps me away so I forget where I am, forget that we’re in any danger at all.
‘I … I don’t know …’ I stammer but I’m cut off by the same voice, but it’s strange – it sounds like a hushed whisper, clear and audible above the sound of the waves and wind.
Erin … Can you hear me? It’s time to wake up.
A sensation like lightning passes through my body leaving me breathless, and it’s followed swiftly by a dragging, tugging sensation, but it’s not Gil’s hands on me. It’s not anything trying to pull me down into the deep, quite the opposite. It feels as if a black hole has opened up above us and I’m being drawn upward into it.
‘No!’ I scream as the tugging feeling intensifies, almost swallowing me whole. I close my eyes and clutch at Gil.
I don’t want to go. I want to stay here. I want to …
And then it’s as if the string that has been tethering me to this place is snipped and I rise upwards, easily. Inevitably. There is a moment where I feel as if I’m one of those bubbles you blow with a wand and washing-up liquid. I’m floating high, my skin so thin I know it’s going to pop at any second.
And then it does. My eyelids flutter open, which is odd because I thought they already were.
I see a white ceiling above me. I hear noises – a chair scraping, people moving, words that I can’t make sense of at first, but then they start unjumbling themselves and arranging themselves into order.
‘Oh, thank God! She’s waking up!’
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Present Day
For a long time, I swim around in a misty soup. I hear voices, see people, but the details are lost to the fog. And then even the memory that those things happened is swallowed up too, until there is nothing but a pearly haze without sense of time or space.
I don’t know how long I stay there – it could be days, it could be weeks – but eventually I can tell I’m in a room. I open my eyes and I see Anjali. I close them again. The next time my lids open, my mother is sitting on the edge of my bed, holding my hand.
I try to say something to her, but I don’t know what.
