The churning in my stomach has become a ferocious whirlpool, but if he’s brave enough to answer my question so honestly, I need to dig down and find my courage, too. ‘You said I was your ‘always and only’. Am I still?’
He turns back towards the river. I can see his shutters coming down. He’s getting that look on his face, that tension in his frame that always takes hold when I’ve said something spiky or judgemental about him.
‘Because I …’
Gil stops. His eyes lock on mine.
‘Because I’d very much like to be.’ Deep breath, here goes. ‘Because I think I love you too, Gil. I fell in love with the man who was kind and generous and supportive during one of the worst times of my life,who gave me space to be myself but was always there when I needed him. I should have known that man wasn’t Simon. I should have known it was you all alon—’
I don’t get any further because he sweeps me into his arms and kisses me like he’s been starved of oxygen and I am his air supply. His hands slide between my open coat and my pullover. It’s as if he can’t believe I’m here and he’s having to run his hands over every bit of me to check if I’m real. I throw my arms around his neck, lift myself onto my tiptoes, and join him. Is this real? Is this finally, finally real?
If it is, I have to say the kissing isn’t how I imagined it at all. It is much,muchbetter.
When we finally come up for air, he places his hands on either side of my face and laughs out loud, and then he just kisses me all over my face. I feel like I’m flying. I never believed I could be this happy.
CHAPTER EIGHTY-FIVE
Present Day
We arrive back in the living room. The estate agent is looking peeved that work is eating too far into his Saturday afternoon. From the look on Gil’s face, the man’s day is about to get worse. ‘I’ve decided to take it off the market,’ Gil tells him. ‘For now, at least.’
The estate agent shoots a look at me as if I am to blame for this unpromising turn of events – which I am – so I grip Gil’s hand and stare back at the man. In days gone past, I would have been fussing around him, apologizing profusely, but now I remain silent. I’m sorry we wasted his time, I really am, but I will never be sorry I made the trip here today and took my future in my hands.
When the estate agent has collected his papers and stuffed them in his briefcase, he makes a hasty, and much less polite, retreat, and then Gil and I are left alone in Heron’s Quay once again.
There’s lots more kissing and touching. The sky dims outside the enormous windows. Eventually, we get hungry and Gil gets up and turns a light on in the kitchen, then pulls a few ingredients from the cupboards and fridge and whips us up a simple spaghetti carbonara.
It’s too cold to eat it on the roof so we sit at the long dining table. The darkness is so complete now that we can only see our own reflections. We talk about everything, filling in the gaps in each other’s knowledge.
‘Simon told me he knew you thought I was to blame for Megan’s death,’ Gil says. ‘Yet he never put you right.’
‘I couldn’t get over that. The real problem wasn’t that he made a stupid mistake that had tragic consequences. It was the cover-up, the lies, the secrets. The cowardice. And then letting you take the fall, the one person who’d had his back over and over again.’ I shake my head, still unable to get my head around the extent of Simon’s selfishness. ‘I knew I couldn’t marry a man like that.’
‘I’m glad. That you’re not marrying him – purely for selfish reasons, you understand – but also because I always hated the fact I knew he hid things from you.’ He sighs. ‘I should have said something.’
I reach out and touch his arm. ‘No, you shouldn’t have. You wouldn’t be you if you had. Of course you wouldn’t do anything to break up your best friend’s relationship. You’re too loyal, too straight down the line.’
‘I wanted to,’ Gil says. ‘You don’t know how many times I wanted to.’
‘But you never did.’ I push my bowl of pasta away and go to sit in his lap, placing my hands on his cheeks, making him look at me. ‘That’s the difference between you and Simon; he gave in and did what was best for him but you never did, not even when it cost you.’
He looks at me seriously. ‘I shouldn’t have messaged you while you were still with Simon. That was wrong.’
‘But I wasn’t really with Simon, was I? He was seeing other girls …’
Gil’s eyebrows shoot up. ‘You know about that?’
‘Only since we broke up. Lars told Anjali and Anjali told me. For a long time I wondered why you messaged me, but when I realized I was still mooning over Simon while he’d moved on, it changed everything. I couldn’t betray Simon, and neither could you, if he’d betrayed me first.’ I sigh. ‘I was so blind.’
Gil kisses me on the nose. ‘So was I. I saw the boy who’d stood up for and protected me, not the man who threw me under the bus to make himself look good. Maybe we’ll stay in touch, maybe we won’t. Either way, we’ll never have the same friendship again.’ He sighs. ‘Or maybe we never did.’
I sense his sadness and I press my forehead against his, put my arms around his shoulders. It’s time to change the subject. Simon is in our past and I would much rather talk about our future. I stand up, take him by the hand, and lead him into what used to be my old bedroom. ‘You kept my painting. I didn’t say you could, you know.’
He tips his head and smiles softly. ‘Do you want it back?’
I pretend to consider his question, but I already knew the answer before he asked. ‘I think you should have it. That painting wouldn’t exist without you. You helped bring all that out of me with your patience, your integrity. You believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.’ I blush a little. ‘Besides, you said it was beautiful.’
‘It is. But not as beautiful as you.’
