‘You think I’m weak?’
He gave me a pleading look as I walked towards him. ‘Not weak, but … I just think you’re very afraid sometimes. You’re not going to get anywhere unless you push yourself. Look at the preview … You did more than you ever thought you could do, even if it was a shaky start. Iknewit was a better decision for you to play live instead of using the track.’
Did he have a point? I thought I’d been doing so well, but was I still a scared little girl, hiding from what life wanted to give me? But then something he’d said snagged my attention. ‘What do you mean, “instead of using the track”? I was supposed to play along with the track and something went wrong. There was no “decision” to do that … Was there?’
Justin shrugged noncommittally.
‘Justin …’
He took a sip of his wine, breaking eye contact as he did so. I could read him well enough by now to sense there was something he wasn’t telling me. But what could …?
Oh.
An icy feeling began to bleed through me, my instincts catching onto something a couple of seconds before my conscious brain registered it. ‘Did you …? Did youtellthem not to play the track? On purpose?’
He wouldn’t meet my eye.
‘Oh, God … I can’t …’ I walked away, back to the windows and placed my palm on my abdomen to quash the vaguely breathless feeling creeping over me. I felt like I was a snow globe, like someone had just picked me up and shaken me violently, and now everything inside me was flurrying in different directions. ‘You did, didn’t you?’
For a long moment, Justin said nothing, and then he blinked slowly and turned to look at me. His face was unmoving, his eyes expressionless. ‘Yes, okay. I did it. I told them not to play the track.’
‘Why? Why would you do that?’ The tears were thick in my voice. ‘You knew how terrified I was, and you didn’t even warn me! You left me standing there like a lemon, and then I …’ I trailed off as my brain started working overtime,thinking back to that night and the conversations we’d had since, trying to piece it all together like a rather complicated puzzle. ‘You blamedmefor messing up!’ I let out a hollow laugh. ‘And look where it got you! If you’d played the track as planned, it wouldn’t have mattered that I’d made a mistake! It would never have been a problem.’
‘Angel, you’re becoming hysterical.’
I stared back at him, hardly knowing what to think or say.
I did have a tendency to go off at the deep end when I got wound up and, yes, I was getting emotional, but I had good reason: the man I thought was my rock, my foundation, had just admitted to sabotaging me. He’d known how terrified I was about even being on stage that night, and he’d done it anyway.
I didn’t understand how he could be so calm, sounemotional. This was our first fight, and I was hating every second of it.
He put his wine glass down and came closer, laid a hand on my shoulder. ‘I did what we agreed. You said you were feeling confident, that you wanted to do it for me …’
I shook his arm off. ‘I didn’t say that.’
‘You didn’t?’
I thought back to that night, to the few words exchanged between us as we arrived at The Fire Station. ‘Okay, I may have saidsomethinglike that, but that wasn’t what I’d meant. You knew that.’
He looked wounded. ‘Those were your exact words. When I asked you if you’d do it, you said, “I want to – for you. I really do … ” Don’t you remember?’
I stared back at him, unable to either nod or shake my head. ‘No …’ I murmured, even though I couldn’t quite get the whole thing straight in my head.
He stepped towards me. ‘And I think it’s unfair to blame me if you were overoptimistic. If you’d have said no, I’d have gone with it. But you didn’t.’
I shook my head. ‘I’m sure I did!’
‘You really didn’t.’
It was true, I realised. I hadn’t actually said the words, but thinking back, I could see the expression on his face, the nod that signalled his tacit acceptance of my refusal before we’d walked into the foyer. I knew I was right about that, no matter what he said.
‘I’m finding these accusations of yours really quite hurtful, Angel. Like I said earlier, I did it for you, not me. Haven’t I been your biggest supporter? I mean, I gave you the job in the first place. And now you’re doubting me?’
He was turning this back on me so that I was in the wrong?
I stared at him. Who was this man? Where was the Justin I knew and loved?
He turned and headed for the bedroom at that point, effectively ending the discussion. ‘If we don’t start getting ready now, we’re going to be late to meet your parents.’
