‘No, I’ll come.’ He sounded oddly resigned. ‘Where you go, I go … That’s what supportive couples do for each other, isn’t it? They stand by each other, back each other up.’
I frowned as I got undressed and headed for the en suite. Justin’s words had been just what anyone would want to hear from a partner,but I’d sensed something else, something I couldn’t quite pin down.
When I was finished, I got dressed in a soft, chiffon sleeveless blouse and wide-leg trousers that Justin had picked out on a recent shopping trip. Instead of putting the bangles back on, I opted for a fine gold chain and left the rest of myself accessory free. Justin liked uncluttered.
I wandered through the flat looking for him and eventually found him nursing a glass of red wine in the kitchen. I went to sit beside him on one of the stools that flanked the breakfast bar. ‘What’s up?’
‘Nothing,’ he said, staring into his wine.
‘Talk to me … You know you can tell me anything.’
He shook his head in short, staccato movements. ‘I can’t. You’re going to think I’m pathetic.’
I reached over and kissed his temple. ‘Never. You’re sensitive and emotionally open. That’s what I love about you.’
He turned to face me. ‘You really don’t need to go busking any more. I have enough money for both of us.’
‘I know. But you also said you thought it would be good if I contributed, and until more session work comes in …’
‘It’s hardly worth it. I mean, it’s just pin money.’
I thought about the notes and coins in my violin case, and I knew he was right, but it still felt as if he was squashing my accomplishment. And it wasn’t just about money; it was about healing, moving forwards, getting stronger.
I decided to try and jolly him out of his dark mood. ‘I made enough for a decent bottle of wine. I’ll treat you.’
He sighed and turned to face me. ‘You only get that kind of cash because the men in the audience think you’re stunning.Remember that I’ve been there … I’ve seen them watching you.’
I blinked, taken aback. First, I wasn’t stunning – I’d have placed myself at ‘distinctly average’ on the beauty scale – and second, I hoped there was a more important reason people threw money into my violin case. However, I knew Justin could get a little insecure because of his ex-wife’s infidelity, so I ignored the edge in his voice and looped my arms around his neck.
‘You used to be one of those men, remember?’ I smiled up at him, willing him to laugh along with me. ‘You didn’t seem to mind it much then.’ I kissed him on his lips softly, and he closed his eyes, so I kissed each of his eyelids too, and his arms came around me, pulling me even closer.
‘That’s kind of my point,’ he said wearily into my ear. ‘I just can’t …’
‘Shh … It’s okay. I understand. But it’s you I love. I promise you I’m not going anywhere.’
‘Can I ask you something? A favour?’
I rested my head against his shoulder. ‘Anything. You know that?’
‘Will you stop?’
I raised my head to look at him. ‘Stop what? Stopthis…’ and I began to move my hand up his thigh. However, the look he gave me was so heartbreakingly forlorn, I paused.
‘Will you stop busking? I know I’m an idiot … And I know I’m not being reasonable, but I just can’t stand the thought of other men looking at you that way,wantingyou the way I want you … wanting all of you.’ And he pulled me into his arms and crushed me against his chest, his breathing ragged.
‘I … Justin …’ I understood what he was saying, but even though I’d just said I’d do anything for him, I felt a kernel of resistance inside. ‘It’s really not fair of you to ask that. I’ve never evenlookedat another man since we’ve been together. And you know how much busking means to me … It’s the only way I can properly let off steam.’
He moved me away from him, and suddenly there was cool air between our bodies. ‘I thought you said you loved me.’
‘I do!’
‘Then can’t you do this for me? I do so much for you.’
I looked down at my feet. He was right. He did do so much for me. Wasn’t I always thanking my lucky stars how supportive and encouraging he was? He’d made it possible for me to follow my dreams.
WasI being selfish?
He slid off the stool, took his wine glass and walked across the room to stand in front of the vast fireplace. ‘I didn’t want to say this, but all the time you’re putting your creative energy into busking, it’s diverting it from other things you could be doing –shouldbe doing. It’s a safety net, and you need to get rid of it. You need to be brave, not weak, Angel. You’ve got to push yourself to do more than the things you find easy, palatable. That’s not what a true artist does.’
