IT WAS A warm night for September, so when Brody let Lewis out for his last run down the garden for the evening, he didn’t stay at the back door as usual but stepped out onto his patio.
As he waited for his dog, he dialled Anna’s number. If she hadn’t already called him by this point in the evening, he’d got into the habit of phoning her instead.
‘Hey,’ she said softly when she answered, and he could tell she was smiling, as pleased to hear his voice as he was hers. ‘I was just about to call you, but you beat me to it!’
Brody began to pace lazily back and forth as they filled each other in about their day. Anna had met her sister-in-law and baby nephew during her lunch break. ‘Teresa mentioned Gayle again,’ she said wearily. ‘I understand it’s awkward for her and Scott. I have to keep making sure there’s no chance of Gayle and Richard popping around every time I go to visit them. It can’t be fun for them being piggy in the middle.’
‘I know you’ve said you’re not ready, but hear me out. Let me side with Teresa for a second, play devil’s advocate… Because it might not be a bad idea to meet Gayle and discuss how you feel, so you can move forwards without all the animosity.’
‘I know it might be helpful and, even if just for Spencer’s sake, I can’t ignore her forever…’
‘But not yet?’
‘No. I’m just still so angry with her. I can’t seem to get past it – and this isn’t me, Brody. I’m not that person. I’m not the person who simmers with resentment, who holds grudges.’
Lewis was sniffing around some bushes further down the lawn. Brody strolled out onto the damp grass, feeling the whisper of cool night air on his face. He’d been where Anna was at one point, so stuck in his anger that he’d ended up pushing everyone away. He didn’t want her to end up like that. How could he explain it to her?
Open up. Tell her the truth. Tell her something real about yourself.
Brody swallowed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to share things with Anna. He thought about it all the time, like when he’d met the hikers the other day, or only this morning when he felt triumphant after writing a full paragraph in his notebook.
He turned back to face his cottage, his gaze drawn to the glow of warmth from his study window. It made him think of the little ‘not elf’ sitting hidden out of sight on a high shelf.
‘Grief is a funny thing,’ he began slowly. ‘People think of it as sadness, but it’s much more complex than that. It has so many layers, so many tangled emotions – including anger.’
‘I know that,’ Anna said. ‘They mention anger in every grief book out there, how you might be angry with the person for abandoning you, even if it wasn’t their fault or their choice.’
‘It goes even further than that.’ Brody took a deep breath. It was now or never, and he was about to jump off into the deep end. ‘Sometimes you get angry with other people instead.For me, it was with my parents. They tried to be there for me, but I was just so stubborn that I perceived it as meddling, and I got cross with them, and then it just… snowballed… until we couldn’t talk without me feeling a fiery ball of rage in the pit of my stomach.’
Anna made a sound of recognition.
‘Yes, I had reason to be irritated with them at times,’ Brody continued. ‘Theyweremeddling and occasionally being a little judgemental, but the fury I felt was out of balance with what they actually said and did, which was really them just trying to help the only way they knew how. It became easier to be angry with them than to be sad about what had happened. I couldn’t see it at the time. I truly believed I was justified in taking the stance I did, but looking back, I can see that I blew it all out of proportion. Does that make sense?’
‘Maybe,’ Anna replied warily.
And here was the million-dollar question. ‘Do you think there is any possibility you’re doing the same thing with Gayle?’
The silence that followed was taut. Brody could sense her struggling with what he’d said, but he trusted her to see the truth.
‘Maybe,’ she said again. ‘But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I still feel what I feel. And I know she won’t apologize to me for her part in the way things are between us, that I’ll have to be the bigger person and take responsibility for it all, and the idea of giving her a free pass just smarts, so at the moment it’s easier to leave things as they are. Gabi has said that maybe it’s a good idea for me to have a break from all the lunches and photo albums, and I’m inclined to agree.’
Brody felt his throat tighten. This was how it started. But to explain fully how dangerous it was just to put things off, to believe the opportunities for healing and reconciliation wouldn’t diminish as time went on, he was going to have to be more specific, and that meant telling Anna things he didn’t want to tell her. Things he didn’t want to tell anyone because he felt too guilty and ashamed.
He ran a hand through his hair and turned and strode further down the lawn into the darkness. He could hear the gurgle of the stream that ran down the boundary at the bottom of his garden. Sometimes, he sensed that Anna had him on a pedestal, that she thought he was wise and sensible and… good. If he told her everything – not just about the state of his life now, but about what happened nine years ago – that pedestal would be smashed and broken. She would never see him in the same way again. Worst case scenario, he could lose her friendship forever. The thought terrified him.
But it would be worth it if he could help her, if he could prevent her from screwing up her relationships with bitterness and misplaced blame, the way he had. He was just working out where to begin when she spoke. ‘And talking of moving on, I had an interesting chat with my mum the other week. I’ve been meaning to mention it. I told her how much our conversations have helped me and she suggested setting up something similar to help other people who’ve lost someone.’
Brody wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or frustrated he had a stay of execution. He’d come back to this later in the conversation. ‘What sort of something?’ he said, frowning. Anna wasn’t going to suggest adding more people into their conversations, was she? He didn’t much like that idea.
‘I’m not sure yet,’ she said, ‘but some way to connect other people so they can talk with each other like we have.’
‘Other people? Talking to each other?’
‘Something like that. I need to get it straight in my head before I get going with it. I’ll keep you posted as I work it all out.’ She paused and took a breath before carrying on. ‘And talking of moving on, on finding healing after loss, there’s another big step I’ve decided to take.’
Brody was so relieved at the thought he was still going to have Anna all to himself that he said, almost absent-mindedly, ‘Oh, yes?’
‘I’m going to ask Jeremy if he’d like to have dinner with me.’
