‘I know… But the reason I didn’t go back after it all happened was that it was just too painful, Gabs. I tried for about two days, remember? But all I could see was the empty chair at Spencer’s desk, his mug, unwashed and gathering dust, next to the kettle. It was too much. I couldn’t do it.’
Gabi reached over and rubbed Anna’s shoulder. ‘I understand, but maybe it is time to get a different job now, one that youdofind exciting.’
They were prevented from discussing it any further because Tom Collins launched into his spiel about the final gin on the tasting menu. Baskerville Gin was made on Dartmoor with spring water from the national park and flavoured with gorse flowers and hawthorn berries. Anna sipped it gingerly when given the go-ahead. It was complex, with bold, clear flavours and an underlying earthiness. For some reason, it reminded her of Brody.
And thinking of Brody took her back to the conversation they’d had last week about her blank, looming future, how she’d told him that she needed to start dreaming again. Isn’t that what Gabi was talking about too?
‘I think it’s more than just finding a new job. I struggle to get excited aboutanything.’
‘This is why I suggest all the classes,’ Gabi said seriously. ‘I hope you will find something that makes you feel…’ She broke off, searching for the right words. ‘That makes youfeel. Life is nothing without passion, Anna.’
‘I think I’m starting to get that now.’
‘Hallelujah!’ Gabi threw her hands up in the air. ‘What made you understand this finally?’
Anna was about to tell Gabi about the conversation she’d had with Brody, but then she stopped herself. Gabi didn’t know about Brody yet, and Anna wasn’t sure she wanted to tell her. Because telling her about him would mean telling Gabi how she met him, and Anna justknewthat Gabi would give her one of her trademarkSeriously?looks when she heard the whole story.
Besides, how did she tell her best friend that she’d tried talking to her about the same things she shared with Brody, but that Gabi just hadn’t been able to listen. Not in the way Anna had needed her to. That would only hurt her feelings, and she’d been trying so hard. And it wasn’t Gabi’s fault – she just hadn’t been through anything similar like Brody had.
They paused their conversation as the class came to an end, then took their drinks and moved to a quieter corner of the room. ‘Okay,’ Gabi said, as they sat down. ‘Do you still want to go to salsa, or do we need to find a new activity?’
‘I’m happy to keep going with salsa,’ Anna replied. ‘I wouldn’t want to deprive you and Lee of the chance to see each other.’
Gabi smiled, and her face glowed. Things had been going well with Lee in the last two months.Very well, seeing as they were now official. Anna was so pleased for her – it was about time Gabi had someone who showered her with attention like this. She was crossing her fingers that this guy didn’t turn out like all the others. However, Lee’s job as a police officer made his social life challenging, and Gabi’s wasn’t much better. He and Gabi had to take the chance to meet up whenever they could.
‘How about lettering? Like the pretty bullet journals on Instagram? I saw an advert for a class in the art supplies shop when I was picking up new paintbrushes for work. You were always good at design.’
It was the sort of thing Anna would have been interested in, once upon a time. She weighed the idea up in her mind, tried to get excited about it, but it was like attempting to start a car with a flat battery – there were a couple of hopeful flickers and then, well, everything flatlined.
‘I think, just like with the job, trying yet another class isn’t going to solve anything.’
‘But—’
‘Not that I don’t appreciate your input,’ Anna added hastily, ‘and that I don’t enjoy most of them. It’s just that I think it’s deeper than that. I need to find a sense of purpose to life again.’
‘That’s why it is good to do classes,’ Gabi replied. ‘To help you find that spark.’
‘Yes and no,’ Anna said. How did she explain this? ‘It’s a bit of a catch-22 situation. The classes are all well and good, but without that spark inside to start off with, there’s nothing to ignite, nothing to fan into flame. The activities just become something else to cross off on a tick list.’ She sighed. ‘You were right – Iama zombie.Something’s dead inside, Gabi – there is no life, no passion – and I don’t know how to get it back again.’
Gabi swilled the gin around her glass and stared into it for a moment. ‘Maybe it’s like this…’
‘Like gin?’ Anna asked.
‘No, like gintasting. We live our lives… We try one thing, we try another thing, until we find out what works for us.’ She took a sip and then looked back up at Anna. ‘What do youwantyour life to be, Anna? If you could choose? What would you do next?’
Anna blinked and looked back at Gabi. If only she knew the answer to that question.
Chapter Seventeen
ANNA GRIMACED AS she knocked on Gayle and Richard’s front door. It had been almost a month since the Camber Sands outing, and she hadn’t attended the Barry family lunch the fortnight before, due to an actual migraine this time, not just a fake one. In that time, she hadn’t called Gayle, and Gayle hadn’t called her. Mind you, they’d never spent much time talking on the phone, so nothing had really changed there.
Her mother-in-law answered the door. She gave Anna a lavender-scented kiss on the cheek as usual, but the memory of that blustery, grey day at the beach loomed between them as Gayle ushered her inside. Anna quickly joined Scott and Teresa in the dining room to help set the table. Scott pulled a chair out for his wife, raising his eyebrows.
Teresa rolled her eyes. ‘I’m not sitting down,’ she said, answering his unspoken request. ‘I’m fine.’
Scott scowled until Teresa went over and thanked him by kissing him softly on the cheek. His hand drifted possessively towards her protruding stomach and he rubbed it gently, which earned him a glowing smile from his wife.
It was touching that the pregnancy was bringing this protective side out in Scott, but Anna had to turn away and busy herself with the large canteen of cutlery inherited from Gayle’s mother.Is that what Spencer would have been like with her, with their baby? She wished she’d had a chance to find out. But not wanting to put a dampener on the afternoon, she sucked in a breath and hurriedly swiped at her eyes.
