And the louder it gets I listen to it
Not afraid of showing up anymore
It’s easy to show the kind of things we share
Like who we love and how much we care
My favorite car and your favorite flowers
You and I, we can talk for hours
But you’re never gonna open up
If scars aren’t something you’re proud of
The thing about sharing hearts the right way
Be yourself and the good ones will stay
The final chord wanes as my right hand stills. I stare out at a silent crowd, dusky light illuminating thousands of hands in the air. I don’t know who started it or at what point everyone else caught on, but their wrists are waving—an action in American Sign Language for applause.
They care.
Relief. That’s what blooms in the space where tension and fear once existed inside of me. I did it. I made it through the song without falling apart.
A few months ago, I wasn’t sure I’d ever perform again, let alone like this. It’s proof those lyrics aren’t some fantasy.
Before this moment, I believed acceptance was coping with the necessary evils of APD. I was wrong.
It’s found in facing the great unknown with valor and embracing what comes because of it.
Acceptance.
The next two hours I deliver my best performance yet with the weight off my shoulders. When I give my final wave, it’s Todd who’s the first to find me offstage.
“Wallace scheduled an emergency meeting. We have a Zoom call with the label in thirty minutes.”
“Okay, I’ll be right there,” I tell him, eyes on Summer. She approaches me slowly, uncertainty warring in her eyes.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” I reply.
“You were amazing out there.” She points to the stage I left before she’s back to twisting her hands like she was doing in my dressing room.
What is she thinking? Is there more she has to say? Would she be okay if I reached for her?are all questions I’m ruminating on. “Thanks” is what I actually say.
“I’m sorry if you felt pressured to do that.”
I stop thinking and grab her hand, clutching it between my palms and looking deep into her eyes. “I should have done that a long time ago.”
This isn’t her fault. Brian did me a favor.
“You’re meeting with the label? I overheard.”
I glance over my shoulder to find Todd giving us space but waiting for me. I don’t even try to hide my concern from her over the conversation I’m about to have with them. I have no idea how it will turn out. The show didn’t exactly go off without a hitch. “Yeah. I have to go.”
This wasn’t the lengthy explanation I’d hoped to give, but I plan to give her more time.
