On the one occasion I got insecure about talking her ear off, she assured me she enjoyed hearing my voice.
“I like when you talk because you never force me to,” she’d said.
When Finn reentered the car, I decided I’d take this approach with him. I’d simply talk and maybe he’d appreciate it. Maybe I could crack through the stone wall he had up. It might take some time, but I had a bit of hope he’d open up to me. Maybe I’d learn to interpret each of his looks. Not for romantic reasons, of course. I wanted to be close with all the guys. Each one of them was worth getting to know.
“Hey,” I said when he slipped back into the driver’s seat. The air smelt of gasoline and his cologne.
Finn didn’t respond. He reached for a travel-size bottle of disinfectant and rubbed the gel across his palms.
“I’m curious about how long you’ve been playing hockey?” I asked, doing my best to tone down the cheer in my voice. ‘Happy’ scared people sometimes. Celeste warned me my energy could be a lot for people who just met me.
He looked at me, expression blank. I waited, chewing on my lip, trying my best to remain patient.
“Since I was a kid,” he said and then pulled out a chunky brown knit beanie. It mashed his thick hair down as he tugged it on. The fabric looked so fuzzy and cute. I wondered if a girlfriend gifted it to him. It seemed like something a partner would want a guy like him to wear. God, how did someone pull off adorable and sexy all in one go? And why was I taken aback by it?
It’s a damn beanie, girl. Pull yourself together.
I cleared my throat when he started drinking from his water bottle. The bob of his Adam’s apple made my skin heat. I turned my gaze to the outside world. Enough swooning over Finn Howard doing mundane things for now.
The gas station looked packed. I could see Lincoln already in line with arms full of junk food. Mountains framed the view behind the station. The thing I loved most about Mendell’s campus was how they built it in a valley between the mountains. Coming out of class felt like stepping into the pages of a Tolkien novel. When I toured the school with my high school class, I imagined campus in the winter. The snow-capped mountains never disappointed me. Even without the snow, the changing colors of the fall leaves made the place look like a Bob Ross painting. When my life felt like it’d gone to shit, I always felt better looking up at those mountains and remembering I lived here.
“Must be fun to play hockey in a place like this. Especially when the lakes freeze over. Bet there are tons of places to practice,” I noted.
“I suppose."
“You all must practice a lot,” I tried. “I heard our team’s good. One of the best in the league.”
“We’re alright.” His comment sounded flat, the definition of disinterested.
“Alright? Lincoln was bragging about you guys qualifying for championship games. What’s ‘good’ to you?” I teased.
“Being undefeated.”
I stuck out my bottom lip, considering his words. “You must be the tough one to please on the team. It’s always nice to have an unsatisfied teammate. I used to play soccer in middle school and our captain was a stickler. Total badass who led us to victory. I had the biggest crush on her. Serious people do that to me…not that your seriousness is…um, what I’m trying to say is it’s admirable that you’re not easily satisfied.”
God, I was rambling my ass off. How did I start talking about what made me attracted to someone? And why did I draw a line fromhimto that attraction?
Throughout my word vomit episode, Finn remained silent. I dared to look at him again. He was fiddling with his phone. Maybe he hadn’t been listening too closely? I could still salvage this conversation. I needed to pause for a minute and come up with the perfect segue. Something not hinting at what kind of person I liked to date or that he might be that person.
I pulled on the edge of my headscarf, trying to find another topic which could entice him into responding. As I opened my mouth to probe him on his interesting choice of vehicle—who in the world wanted to drive an out-of-commission taxi van—Finn opened his door and stepped outside. He closed the door behind him without saying a word.
My mouth remained open for a second longer. I leaned back in my seat and let out a confused huff. Finn didn’t move toward the store like I expected. Instead, he went to stand at the back of the car. He’d rather stand outside in the wind than sit inside with me? Well, hell.
I felt a twinge in my belly. Sure, I could respect his preference to endure the elements, but was I so unbearable by comparison?
Instead of inwardly worrying about my potential faux pas, I decided to get a second opinion on the matter. MidQuest was my only other friend who had his shit together.
Chai03: Morning! Quick question: Have you ever had someone hate you on sight IRL?
MidQuest: Good morning…and, yeah, probably. I don’t pay attention unless it’s certain people. Why? What’s up?
I chewed on my bottom lip and peeked in the side mirror to make sure Finn was still there. He leaned against the van now, with his back to me and shoulders hunched.
Chai03: My roommate hates my guts. Could be the fact I nearly broke his nose with a door…but it looked like it was healing up fine, so I don’t think it’s that.
MidQuest: …
Chai03: It was an accident, BTW. I wouldn’t purposely draw blood unless threatened. You know that.
