“Are you changing the subject?” I teased and stopped walking just so he couldn’t see that yes, I was favoring one leg over the other.
He shook his head, amused. “Let’s sit for a minute. We’ve been walking long enough.”
Didn’t need to tell me twice. I flopped down on the sand and reveled in the feeling of not being on my feet.
“I’m sure Nate’s told you my times have been slowing,” Leo confessed after taking a spot by me. “Practices after nationals haven’t been too hot.”
We were close enough that when I met his gaze; I was instantly reminded of what his hand felt like holding my face. To keep my mind clear, I forced myself to think about the lingering ache in my legs and not how gentle his lips had been on mine.
“I haven’t heard anything about slowing times.” I leaned back on my hands.
Leo considered my response for a second. “So Nate’s not telling anyone who’ll listen?”
“He wouldn’t do that.”
Leo was quiet for a minute. I frowned at the silence. His eyes flickered out to the water.
“Everything okay with you two?” I asked. Something was going on and if Nate didn’t feel like he had permission to tell me, maybe Leo would.
“Everything’s fine.” Nate nodded, dashing my hopes.
“You sure about that?” I dared to knock my shoulder against his. He smiled and knocked me back and instead of pulling away, stayed close enough for me to feel his breath on my skin.
I stayed still as his fingers brushed against mine. Much to my disappointment, he didn’t move any closer.
“We’re fine,” Leo insisted. I could still tell something was off in his tone. “You know Nate’s more my brother than my actual ones. Even if we weren’t okay…we’d find a way to make things right.”
“I see.” I pulled my hand away from his, sensing what was coming next. “If Nate’s your brother, does that mean I’m like your little sister?”
He scoffed. “You’ll never be like my little sister, Kira. You know that.”
“Maybe. But that’s how I’m supposed to act, right?” I studied him to get an answer. “We’re not supposed to be together because if it blows up - or in your words, we get lost in each other - you could lose Nate too.”
“The possibility of you is better than the surety of Nate.”
“You don’t act like it.”
“Because I wasn’t weighing Nate in. I was weighing a small bit of you versus all of you,” he explained. “Before this summer, I told myself I’d settle for the small bit. It was simpler. And according to your brother, you were safer.”
“You’ve talked to him about how you feel?” I sat up straighter.
“Once or twice in the past,” Leo admitted with a one-shoulder shrug.
My eyes widened and fingers curled around a handful of sand as I tried to not look too angry. This meant Nate didn’t have an inkling, he knewexactlyhow Leo felt. He played interference for years.
“He talked me out of it,” he admitted. “His words finally stuck after the night I saved you at the pool. After I thought you were drowning on purpose. I was terrified for you.”
My cheeks burned thinking about that night. I dipped my gaze down to a crab scurrying across the sand. “You didn’t have to be. I told you I was fine. It wasn’t on purpose.”
“I didn’t know that for sure. All I knew was you were struggling at school and at home.”
My forehead wrinkled. “How?”
“Nate was worried too. You know how he rambles when he’s worried.”
“Oh.” I could feel my expression darken.
There had been so many rough patches in high school. So many days where my need for order was overwhelming. And for the first time, my compulsion took a physical form. My palms were scarred from me digging my nails too far into the skin. I’d accidentally flashed my brother the damage by giving him a high-five after a swim meet. And apparently, he told someone. My stomach dropped at the realization if Leo knew about my self-harm, maybe others did, too.
