“Is that all you’ve got to say?”
“Uhm, I’m a little speechless right now. About that.”
He grabbed my hand and led me inside. After I sat on the couch, he walked into the kitchen and returned to the living room and handed me a cup of juice.
I took the juice and slowly sipped.
“I got an email the other day. You held your first workshop seminar. I started to register, but I didn’t want to spook you.”
My heart rejoiced because I had been excited to conduct that class. I was able to book a small conference room in the hotel so that I could conduct the Zoom call in a professional environment.
“Thank you for keeping your word.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I, uhm, saw the news. I saw that they found Paul guilty of murder. How are you feeling?”
“I’m thankful that they came back with that verdict, but it can never bring her back or take her family’s pain away. I’m just glad that they got justice, as much as you can consider never having your loved one again justice.”
“But what about you?”
“I’m good, baby, now that you’re back. I never realized how much I loved and needed you, until you were gone. I’m glad that they convicted Paul, but I have closed that chapter of my life. I’m ready to really move on. I won’t lie. Yesterday was hard, but I’m glad that you’re here with me because that makes everything better.”
“To survive the tough times, we have to be strong, Deuce. I had no idea all that time that you were grieving just as hard as Iwas, and you were trying to cover it up. Your partner and lover was murdered, along with your baby, and I never knew she was the same person. You never said that it happened the same night that I lost everything.”
“Because the weight of my guilt was too burdensome. I couldn’t give you my pain, too, not when you didn’t deserve it. I caused your grief by being careless and then not telling you everything upfront. I let you go months living with me and not telling the truth.”
“If I’m taking self-responsibility, you tried to tell me on a couple of occasions, but I didn’t want to hear it. Deep inside, I think I always knew . . . women’s intuition. We have to be honest, baby, but I don’t want us to be each other’s crutch.”
“Woman, I’ll be your damn sun and your moon. I’ll be whatever you need me to be, baby, as long as you’re growing stronger. That’s my job as your man. So, if I have to be the crutch that helps you along, the cane that you lean on, or the wheelchair that carries you, I’m willing to be all that. Don’t limit who I am in your life.”
“What does that mean though? I want us to be okay again, Deuce. I want to get back to that feeling where it felt like you were my best friend.”
“I am your best friend.”
“But am I yours? You didn’t trust me with your truth. It feels like I’m a failure at relationships.”
“I didn’t tell you, because in the beginning, I felt guilty, baby. I knew that I deserved your anger, but then I was scared I would lose you. That was a failing on my part, and I’ve worked the last couple of weeks to deal with my failings. You are not a failure. We might have failings, but we’re not a failure. There’s a difference. I know that we can’t pick up where we left off, but I would like to try to create something beautiful.”
“I think that we’ll have to be a better version of who we were.”
“I’m down with that. I like the idea of that a lot.”
“That means taking the time to unpack your baggage sometimes, Deuce. It won’t always be pretty, it won’t always be easy, and I won’t always be readily receptive. You need to know that I will always be here. I may need to back up and have some time alone to process your truth and vice versa, but you have to trust me with it.”
“As long as you promise not to run out on me. Promise me that if you need space that’s no further than that bedroom right there.”
I smiled and inhaled deeply. “About that. I’m not ready to move back in right away.”
“How long, Sevyn?” His voice sounded like a dark warning that he was growing impatient with me on the topic.
“I don’t know. Maybe another week or so. I just need to be certain that I’m heading in the right direction. I’ve never had time alone like this, and whereas I had been afraid of it before, I need to get to know myself a little better. I think I’m doing a wonderful job, but just give me a week or so.”
“You’ve got whatever you need, baby.”
“Thank you.”
My eyes watered, and I sniffled as I wiped the tears away. My emotions were getting out of control. I thought I would be able to do this without breaking down, but I was failing. I wasn’t quite ready to tell him about the baby yet. I would tell him very soon, but one thing at a time. I needed to see him today and see how we got along. I needed to assess where we stood in each other’s lives before I threw the pregnancy at him.
