“I initially did it for your protection, but it turned into selfish reasons. You have been critical to my healing. Loving you hasmade me a better man, a good man, and a strong man. Please don’t take your love away.”
“I need time.”
“I promise to give it to you. Please, just don’t leave the house.”
She stared into my eyes. “I won’t go. But I’ll only honor my promise if you honor yours.”
TWO WEEKS LATER
It was toodifficult for me to remain in the house with Deuce, despite our promises to each other. He couldn’t help but come in and check on me daily. I found an extended stay hotel to stay in that wasn’t too far away from his house. I was proud that I gathered the courage to drive myself to the hotel.
I called him while he was at work and explained to him what I was doing. I had taken the coward’s way out, because I knew that he couldn’t leave work and stop me. For the last two weeks, I had remained at the hotel, thinking about my future, what my relationship with Deuce really meant, and what he had gone through and done.
I still watched the trial on TV, partly hoping that I would catch glimpses of him. I had seen him a few times, not on the stand but on the front steps of the courthouse.
Although I hadn’t wanted to, I told him where I was staying, just in case an emergency happened and I needed him. There was no one else around for me to rely on since Waverleigh was gone. I couldn’t rely on Amani, because she had a family and business of her own to run. Besides, she was a sure door for Deuce to walk through to get to me.
Deuce had kept his promise not to visit me at the hotel, but I often wondered if he was keeping an eye on me. I had gone outside on multiple occasions to check to see if he was in the parking lot watching me, but thankfully, he wasn’t. I talked to Waverleigh on the phone daily. She was trying to convince me to forgive him. She reminded me that he had been there with me while I was in the coma and that she had seen how he behaved toward me when I wasn’t conscious.
She assured me that his concern about my progress and health had been genuine. She said she could see the grief etched all over his face along with the concern he had for me. But it wasn’t my best friend who had gotten through to me.
Deuce sent me flowers every day for the past two weeks. There was always a fresh bouquet delivered to my room along with dinner every day. But it wasn’t the flowers or dinners that got through to me. What really penetrated my defense were the messages that he texted me each afternoon. They were sweet, thoughtful, and encouraging messages and affirmations that pertained to my life.
As I read the messages and thought about my predicament, my thinking became less emotional and more rational. It was ironic considering the situation that I was in. Most pregnant women became more emotional rather than less. But I knew that I couldn’t afford to give in to that rationale. My emotions wouldbe what they were, but whenever I could, I needed to focus on the logic in my situation.
I had gone to the doctor and confirmed my pregnancy. Equipped with that confirmation, I was certain that I needed to tell Deuce the truth. Aside from that, I missed him greatly. I longed to have the conversations we had about our culture, the community, the future of our people, and everything else under the sun.
I missed waking up in his arms every morning and seeing him smile at me. I missed feeling secure when I fell asleep in his arms at night as he spooned me. I yearned for the time we spent cooking together, and I definitely missed him making love to me. I needed to have a conversation with him to see if it was possible for us to reconcile.
I pulled in his driveway while he was outside with his backpack blower. He glanced my way but kept blowing for another few minutes before he shut it off. He pulled it off, and I couldn’t help but admire his arm muscles flexing as he removed the blower.
He walked slowly to my Jeep with a beautiful smile painted on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes. I knew he was worried about what this visit meant.
“Hey.”
“Hey, girl. I’m surprised to see you and that you’re driving,” he stated, gripping the top of the door of my car. I remained in the driver’s seat as I looked up at him, uncertain if I wanted to get out or not.
“I know. It’s not that far, so I’m okay with that.”
“Well, I’m proud of you. All progress is good. What brought you by?”
I sighed and swung my legs out of the car. “I’ve had to face some hard truths over the last couple of weeks, including acknowledging that my marriage was an escape from lonelinessand needing to feel a part of something larger. I ignored a lot of red flags when it came to Ethan. He proved to me that I could not trust him when I first learned he cheated on me in college, but I stayed.
“His family never accepted me, and I thought that was okay, as long as he accepted me—but he didn’t. All I was, was a rebellion against his parents’ control over his life and nothing more than that. He loved me in his own way, but it wasn’t enough.”
“What do you need from me, Sevyn?”
“I need to know that you love me completely and not in your own way. I need to be able to trust you.”
He took a step closer to me and pinned me against my car. Placing his hands on either side of the roof of my car, he stared into my eyes. I saw the certainty and confidence in his eyes, and I hoped mine radiated the same.
“There is no doubt that I love you. I may have stayed by your side the first night because I felt that I was dead wrong for causing that shit with my carelessness. I may have even remained by your side that first month while you were in a coma, but it’s nine months later, sweetheart. You know everything, and I’m still here. Still pressing up on you, still begging you to let me in, still showing up every day, even when you don’t see me. Now, you tell me if I love you in my own way.”
My chest heaved repeatedly. He gripped my chin with his index finger and thumb and stared into my eyes. The kiss that man put on me would have had me speaking in tongues if I could utter a word. When he released me, he placed his hands underneath my armpits to stand me upright again because my knees were buckling.
“Don’t worry about it. You ain’t even gotta waste your words. Hell yeah, I love you in my own way.But it’s the only way to love you, with all my heart and soul. I’m all in, Sevyn, and I ain’tgoing nowhere. I apologize for not telling you the entire truth from the beginning. But I’ve said it, and I ain’t gonna keep saying that shit. Will I show you? Hell yeah.”
I licked my bottom lip and nodded. “Okay.”
