Unfortunately, Paul had made sure that I wouldn’t get that opportunity. He stole from me what he couldn’t build with Lena.
It wasn’t fair. It was so damn unfair. The thought of that stung my eyes and pierced my heart. I tried to push the thoughts and emotions of my loss to the back like I had done so many times before.
But today, they weren’t having it. Lena and my child were having their say in my life as they rose up to demand their rightful place. They wanted my heart ripped and bore open to grieve them properly.
I was gutted and opened wide for the world to see. My pain was so raw and naked that it felt like I had just lost them. There was nothing that said this grief was a little over five months old. It felt every bit as raw as if I had lost them today.
Sobs racked my chest and choked me up so thoroughly that I felt like I was fighting an unseen entity. I pressed my forearm against the shower tile and rested my head against it. The water poured over my head, across my shoulders, and down my back as I cried viciously. It was impossible for me to find peace and strength in the midst of my grief.
I had busied myself with Sevyn so much over the last four months there hadn’t been enough room or time for me to grieve. Despite the rawness of my pain, I tried my best to stifle my cries so that I wouldn’t alert or alarm Sevyn.
But as the pain gripped me in its throes and wouldn’t let go, I beat my fist against the tile wall, pleading for mercy. It was elusive, and I felt the moment would go on forever. There was no way that I could be complete or healed. I would always carry the brokenness, the emptiness around with me.
I felt the energy around me shift more than I heard or saw anything. Slowly, I lifted my head and found Sevyn standing there watching me. Empathy filled her eyes.
I noticed that she had changed out of the clothing that she wore earlier. She was comfortable in a tank top and leggings.
“Sevyn.” I choked out her name, my voice thick and filled with pain. My brother and I had been taught that boys and men didn’t cry, and if they must, it should be done in secret. Well, my secret was out, and I wasn’t ashamed.
She limped to the shower. I didn’t bother to stop her when she stepped inside, still fully clothed, and wrapped her arms around my waist. She hugged me tightly, and she felt so perfect in my arms.
I inhaled her sweet aroma of lavender and vanilla. I angled my head and rested my cheek on the top of her head as I hugged her. She rubbed my back gently and absorbed my pain, giving me the strength that had previously been elusive to me.
I gave into the moment and let the tears continue falling. I didn’t bother to hold them back, but I no longer sobbed. My pain and grief were silent as I stood there in the shower with Sevyn, the steam rising around us and enveloping us in a very personal and intimate moment.
I knew that what I was feeling was wrong, but there was no way that I could hide my erection from her. It hung heavily between us like a live being, pressed against her leg, hanging down my thigh.
“Deuce, whatever is haunting you, you have to let it go. I don’t know what it is, but I know that we were built to overcome hurt and pain. Whatever it is that has you wrapped so firmly in its grip wasn’t meant to destroy you. It may cause you to buckle, but I swear that it won’t destroy you. It came to build you stronger. I promise that despite what you’re feeling in this moment, you’re going to be okay.
“You have a beautiful heart. You are a protector, and you are my guardian angel sent from Heaven. I know there are blessings waiting around the corner for you.”
Fuck! I knew that her words were meant to be encouraging, but they only drove the knife even deeper into my heart because she had no idea of the weight that I was buckling under. She didn’t know my grief, and she could not know the burden of guilt that was strapped to my back making sure that I didn’t rise again.
But for her sake, I reached deep inside and soaked it up. This wasn’t the moment for revelations though.
“I know,” I replied softly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
She tilted her head back and stared into my eyes. Sevyn reached up and slowly dragged her hands over my beard. She never broke my gaze as she whispered, “It’s just as soft as I imagined.”
“You imagined me?” I asked in a deep, husky voice.
“Every time I look at you, and every night that I dream of you.”
“I never could have imagined you, beautiful,” I replied.
I didn’t stop her when she tipped up on her toes and pressed her lips against mine. I should have felt even more guilt over my actions, but I didn’t.
I took what she gave, greedily kissing her in return, until she buckled in my arms. She opened her mouth at my pressure and allowed me to consume her warm, sweet mouth. I could tell that she had eaten because her mouth was tangy and sweet like the barbeque sauce that I ordered.
My hands reached down and gripped her soft, plump ass cheeks, and she pressed up into me, pushing off her toes. I used that as the leverage that I needed to boost her up into my arms.
Sevyn wrapped her legs tightly around my hips, and I could feel the heat from her core pressed against my stomach muscles. I grew harder, needier, and even more desperate as she moaned into the kiss.
But slowly, memories of Lena and my unborn child infiltrated my memory. Images of Sevyn crying into the shirt that belonged to her husband in their former bedroom clouded my mind, pushing out the desire and sexual tension I felt.
I knew that as much as I didn’t want to, I had to let her go. I wanted to bend her over and take her raw in this shower with her screaming my name and begging me not to stop. The thought of her bent over gripping her ankles while I rammed into her had my erection growing harder like steel as she jumped at the feeling of it beneath her.
When her eyes fluttered open with my tongue down her throat, that was all the reminder that I needed to back up. I released my mouth’s grip on her, and I slowly released her from my arms.
