“Jake, I’m still confused. And it’s not fair to you.”
“It’s okay.”I’ll wait. I step away a bit just so I can look at her face. “You coming to my game?”
“Why would I pass up an opportunity to see you being tackled?” She jokes.
“Okay,hilarious.”
She sighs.
“We’re okay, right?” She asks, hesitant.
“No.” I say earnest and I feel her breath hitch, so I whisper. “I’m kidding.”
“Jake!” She pushes me, but I don’t let her get away.
I want to tell her. The thing I heard her say when I was unconscious, or maybe conscious, I don’t know. But I’m scared too. That she’ll reject me once and for all, and I’ll be doomed to watch the love of my life pass me by.
48
Talking To Stone (No Offense)
Sky’s tombstone.
“IguessI’m here to talk to you. So I can find some sort of closure.”
I unfold the picnic towel I brought and lay it in front of the stone.
“So, leaving without an explanation? Kind of fucked up if you ask me.” I lean against my hands behind my back, holding myself up. “I’m sorry for calling you every curse word I know.” I bite my lip and shrug. “But in my defense, I thought you were a deadbeat.”
I listen to the birds chirping in nearby trees and let the sun take the sadness out of me.
Turns out eight years’ worth of grief all bundled up in a couple of weeks can undo a persona little. Teddy, my therapist, has been seeing me three times a week, and the first session was horrible. It’s always the hardest, but once I get over that barrier,it turns out I’m more capable of emotions than I thought. In a twisted way, knowing my mom loved me made me have some initiative, my therapist says she’s been looking for ever since I started seeing her. Now, of course, it’s not all undone in two weeks. This will probably take months or even years for me to process it all correctly. I don’t know, everyone has different timings.
“Teddy, my therapist, liked that I challenged myself this summer. She also said I have abandonment issues thanks to your stunt, so thanks.” I tap the towel, looking for reasons why this isn’t crazy. “Sorry, I don’t mean to blame everything on you.” I focus on a grass strand. “You saved Jake.Supposedly,I’m still a bit skeptical about all of this.” Pause. “But if you did save him, was it a sign that I should take my second chance? With him?”
I exhale loudly and lie on the towel, looking at the small clouds in the sky.
A small breeze cools me from the heat coming from the sun, and I just lie in silence, forgetting where I am for a moment. When I open my eyes, I freeze.
Am I seeing things? Is this some kind of joke?
I swear to god, I’m seeing a heart-shaped cloud in thesky.
“Okay,that’s crazy.” I take out my phone and take a picture of it, just so I know I’m not going crazy.
“I’m just rambling and telling you all of this so I can avoid the real conversation.” I start twisting a patch of grass, absentmindedly. “I think I never stopped caring about you, but the fine line between hate and love is really blurry, right now.” I gulp. “Even though I know the truth now… I guess I still resent you. For leaving like you did.”
I get up, deciding it’s time to go, for now, and knowing this was a huge step for me.
I stare at her description on the stone and can’t help but smile.
Mother, wife, and Mailview’s Jump Winner of ‘98.
49
Against All Odds, I’m In The Bleachers
Who am I even kidding right now? I’m sandwiched between all of Mailview, in our modest football field’s bleachers, probably about to give in at any minute, full of sweaty people, because Jake had a concussion two weeks ago, and he’s playing freakingfootballlike it never happened. Soyeah, Emily and I are trying to act cool while withering inside. Alana and Lindsey stayed with Aunt Lori at home, all of them known for not standing football in the slightest. Brandon and Blake are just too invested in their PlayStation.
