Riden comes out of his room, and Amanda gets up to go in.
She takes about ten minutes, and then she comes out, smiling at me while she leaves.
I feel for her, I really do. But she kicked me when I was at my lowest, dragging me down just because she was insecure. I might recognize that it’s water under the bridge, but I can’t forget all the times she made me cry.
The door of his room keeps staring back at me, letting me gain focus on what’s really important.
I take a deep breath and get up, walking into the room, the door already half open.
Isn’t he a sight for sore eyes…
I come closer to the bed and don’t dare to sit, too uncomfortable with how I spoke to him.
“You died. For a few minutes.” My eyes focus on a spot in the sheets and don’t dare to move. “It was kind of terrifying.” I lay my hand on top of his. “I’m sorry, Jake. I was horrible to you.” I say in one breath, my voice wavering and my eyes looking up, trying not to cry. “You never gave up on me, even when you should have.” I cry and laugh, wiping my nose. “And you say I’m stubborn…”
I end up sitting down, my eyes never leaving his, that even closed, are marked on my brain.
“And I…” I breathe in deeply, feeling the air getting trapped in my lungs and then slowly expanding them. “I love you.” My voice cracks. “Of course,I love you, but… I can’t stop thinking that you deserve better thanthis mess.” I gesture towards me as if he could see it. “But even when I try convincing myself that I don’t want you,I do.And I just want you to wake up and make one of those cocky jokes and make me laugh. I mean,trulylaugh. I need that. I needyou.” I wipe my tears away. “I thought that what was keeping me from being with you was the fact that my mom had left me, and that once I had closure, we could… But,now, turns out she actually loved me and died, and that only makes things more complicated.” I sigh. “I hate that I’m too scared to be with you, and I can’t turn it off. Isn’t it ridiculous? You almostdied, and still I’m shaking from the thought that I could destroy us.” I get up and look at him. “I should be the sun for you, not a black hole.”
Because even a black hole can consume and make the sun disappear. Jake is definitely my sun.
47
My Mom’s Gonna Destroy My Bike
Jake
“Madelaine…” I’m dreaming again. And she keeps telling me those words. But I’m home, and it’s been a week, and I don’t know if I’m being delusional or not.
“Love?” My mom peeks through the door, and I rub the back of my head. I love my mom truly, but she has been babying me since the accident, which is understandable. I’m the better child after all. But also,I can’t breathe!I can’t look at screens, I’mbarelyallowed to get out of bed, and I just stare at the ceiling all day while she practically mouth-feeds me. Even thoughI’m fine.I’m playing the town’s charity football game next week. My doctors cleared me too, doing every CT possible and confirming my head is okay. “Brought you chicken nuggets.”
“Thanks, mom.”
She lays the tray on my bedside table, then sits on the side of the bed.
“Oh, just got confirmation that Uncle Richard and company are coming for your eighteenth. Katie bought those tickets with her music money. Have you talked to her yet?”
Yeah, my cousin Mary Kate, who’s also an aspiring singer, recently got her number one hit with DEXTR after years of yearning for success in her dream. The thing about famous relatives is that you don’t know if you’re successful because of them or because you actually have talent. And she understands me. She was like this for years until her tape got into the hands of a record label in London, and then she met Dexter in a club and together made the hit song of the summer. But I’m embarrassed, I guess. And scared, I won’t be as good as her. I think I’m a talented guitar player, but do my lyrics lack substance? I don’t want to be her shadow. I want to stand on my own. Besides, being vulnerable about my dream is hard for me. Kate sees me as the childish younger cousin who flirted with her friends all the time and doesn’t have a serious bone in his body. It’s hard for me to show her that hidden, artistic part of me.I don’t know…
“Not really… But I still have a year of school left, so there’s no hurry. Besides, I might get into Delaware, full ride.” I grab the football from my bedside and throw it in the air.
“Do you really have to play next week?” My mom sighs, helpless.
“Mom, don’t give me those eyes. I’ll befine. The doctors cleared me, and by the way you’re feeding me, I’ll be the best player on the field. Apart from Graham.”
She looks at the ceiling, trying not to cry, and I avoid exhaling too loudly.
“I’m sorry, it’s just you can’t imagine what it was like seeing you like that and the idea of losing you-” She covers her mouth, and I get up and hold both her shoulders.
“I’m here, Mom. I’m not going anywhere. Besides, that gave you the perfect opportunity to get rid of the bike, like you always wanted.”
“Cheers for that. And it’s not destroyed or anything,like I wanted to do. It’s inretirementfor a year.” She narrows her eyes at me, still wanting to attack me for the scare I’m sure. “Poor Madelaine, she was devastated…”
“Madelaine…Did she visit me?”
My mom smirks, and I roll my eyes, already regretting asking this.
“Visit you? She stayed in your room foran hour.” My mom throws me the biggest smile, and I hate that she’s making me blush like a schoolboy.
