“Right.”
But it’s not the same, and never will be again.
* * *
I gulp and look nervously at the stage. I’m hating past Madelaine right now for ever considering doing this. My hand starts to tremble as we reach the stage.How could I ever have thought about singing in front of the village?
Jake talks to the band, and I nervously look around, seeing people coming in.
“Ready?” A voice in my head asks. Except it wasn’t a voice. It’s Jake. “Hey, look at me.” He puts his hands on my shoulders and looks me dead in the eyes. “It’s okay to be nervous, but you sing like an angel, so you shouldn’t be.” He says softly.
God, I hate him so much for touching me this way and being so gentle.
He tilts his head to the side and gives me a tiny smile. I can’t help it, and hug Jake. I throw myself at him and never let go of my tight grasp. I’m going to miss him too much, and this is the time to say goodbye, because after this song, it will all end. He puts his arms around me and holds me the same way. Except he is holding me because he thinks I’m nervous, and even though that’s true, I’m more broken than nervous. I control myself not to cry right now.
I am going in there and singing. When it’s over, I get out of here as fast as possible. Then I can cry. Again. I don’t want him to feel guilty for something we both agreed on.
“Let’s do this.” I say determined and looking up.
We get out of each other’s hold and go on stage. I avoid looking at everyone else except for him. The instrumental begins, and so does he. His voice takes me back to singing in the car when no one was watching. I close my eyes and sing my part. This is easy. I start to smile, letting go of my worries, and open my eyes, and just like that, the bridge comes along. He keeps looking at me, and I automatically fill in the song with him, making it end. As soon as the last beat is heard, he drops everything and comes to me, hugging me quickly. My eyes are watering, but still, I let him, because it is goodbye after all. When he backs away, he says, almost whispering, “You’re one hell of a partner, Brown.” He half-smiles and leaves.
I let that sink in and run out of there.
I run through the crowd, I run through the streets, I run through the camp’s dirt road until I reach my place. I get there and fall to my knees, and tears fall from my eyes. I remember everything vividly. The night where it all started, the teasing, the library shifts, the dinner, the babysitting, that horrible walk, the rainy day, the beach day, the wedding, and last night. Allmemories. All in the past. He made me let my guard down, and now this is the state I’m at. On my knees, crying my eyeballs out because of this stupid deal. The deal I had taken, thinking I would be fine. How could I beso stupid? Of course, I was going to fall for him! My emotions are this mixture of sadness and anger. So I cry. I thought I didn’t have any more tears left, but boy, was I wrong. Is this how it’s going to be every time I see him?
I pull my knees to my chest and feel the sun heating up my skin. I bury my head and cry. I cry out and whisper awhy. I feel someone placing their hand on my shoulder.Allison.
I turn around to see blonde hair, but it’s not Allison’s. It’s Riden’s. He’s one of the last people who should see me in this state. He’s Jake’s best friend.
“Mads?” He looks at me with a sweet face, and I wipe my tears and try to talk.
“W-What are you doing here? You shouldn’t-”
He dismisses me with his hand and sits down next to me.
“I’m not going to tell him anything, you know.” He looks into the horizon and then gives me a small smile.
“But-” I let out and get cut in again.
“He’s like a brother to me, but sometimes he’s just plain stupid.” Riden shrugs. “He’s scared.” The best friend of the boy who just broke my heart looks down. “He always lived like a king, you know.”
I do know, but as he says this, he lets out a dry laugh and looks away. I don’t understand why, but suddenly a thought hits me. He always lived in Jake’s shadow. West always had better grades, was considered more intelligent, received more attention from the ladies, from everyone really, and Jake had parents who loved him. Everyone thinks Riden is just this follower of his, but he’s so much more than that. I try to imagine what it’s like to live with this every day. Emily and Joey fosterRiden since his parents are these important business people, very much like Allison’s parents. They have been traveling and leaving him alone since he could cook for himself. That’s why he’s always with Jake. He’s practically adopted. But the sad part is that I don’t think Jake ever realized that Riden was never Riden Matten. He was always Jake West’s best friend or sidekick.
“And deep down I have always had this jealousy, but right now, I’m glad I’m not like him.” He swallows and sits next to me. “Look at you.”
“It’s my fault, Riden. Last night- We kissed, and today, I didn’t even give him a chance to speak, and I said it was a mistake.”
“Oh. Then, why…?”
“Because Iphysically can’t bearto love someone like I love him.” It cuts me deeply as I say it. “When my mom left, I saved three spots in my heart. My dad, Lindsey, Allison, and I closed it forever, always keeping an arm’s length between me and everyone else.” Pause. “I know this could all be solved if I just said I want to be with him, but I don’t think I can right now. And Jake deserves better than what I can offer him.”
“That’s really mature of you. Your therapist would be proud, and as Jake’s friend, I’m glad. And as your friend, I’m here for whatever you need.” He self-proclaims, and I feel so grateful for someone like him. I love Allison, but she doesn’t know how it feels to be the main character’s best friend. Riden does.
“For the record, I think you are one of the best people I have ever known.” I say to him.
“Thanks. You too.” He places an arm around me and squeezes me sideways.
A week from now, it will be Amanda’s party of the summer. And I’m going. To have fun and let go. Until then, this week is going to be the time I need to gain emotional stability.
