The gentleness in his question cracks open the dam that I had built within myself, and a fresh set of sobs breaks out of me while he continues holding me and patting me, which translates to him saying that he will always be there, no matter what.Moments later, my tears slow down, and he nudges me to talk again.
‘I kissed Cooper.’
‘Okay.’He prompts, waiting for me to continue.
‘I still love him, pa.’My voice comes out louder.My eyes dart to Mum, and melancholy stains her face.She takes a deep breath and lets it out.I understand it as fear that I might be putting myself in a position to get hurt again, because of Cooper.But she still listens to me, being there for me comes first before the disappointment or anger that she might hold towards Cooper.
‘Okay, da.But what’s weighing on your heart, Lulu?’His tone is consistent and soothing that it feels like a safe space for me to open up in.
‘I still can’t forgive him for breaking up with me.But it also hurts not to be with him, even though I still love him.’This is the first time I have revealed to them that he initiated the breakup.
‘Lulu, we never asked you anything about the breakup because we didn’t want you to relive any pain that came with it.But do you want to tell us what really happened?So that we know how to help you?’Mum’s voice comes out faint.
I nod and tell them everything.A constant pain hums in my heart, like a piano key that’s not been let go of, as I recall every detail.
‘Okay.Kanna, it sounds like he wanted to break up to stop you from giving up on everything you’ve worked for.Don’t you think that?’Appa’s logical side comes out.
A bitter and uncomfortable feeling grows within me.I am not going to like what I am about to do, but I can’t stop the gnawing feeling inside me.‘Are you taking his side?’My voice comes out cold and flat.
His face changes, his eyebrows furrow and a deep wrinkle appear on his forehead.‘That’s not what I’m saying, kan—’
‘He left me as easily as Apollo did!’I roar.The expression on my parents' faces immediately sobered me up.Guilt sears through me.It dawns on me that I haven’t moved past Apollo’s death.Even if I did move on from his actual death, the way he left me has stayed with me like a recurring bruise.‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.’
The tears come out of me like a waterfall again, and Appa continues to hold me despite what I’ve said out loud.I keep repeating, ‘I can’t believe that I didn’t know he was in pain,’ and he keeps saying that it’s okay and tightens his grip on me.I tremble underneath his touch, and my breath comes out ragged and uneven.‘He was my brother; I should have known.’
Mum comes closer, sits next to me and holds my hand.‘Muffin, it is not on you to know that.He was going through something, and he didn’t want to tell us.It happened, and we still love him and think of him.But you can’t have prevented it.’Her voice cracks, and I know how painful it is for her to talk about Apollo.
A sharp sting goes through my heart, the familiar pain of losing someone I love.I remember how I cried on the same bed when Apollo died, and Appa held me all night until I fell asleep.I know it is distasteful to be angry at Apollo – who suffered horribly – for leaving me alone on this Earth.But after he left in the blink of an eye, I had so much love that I couldn’t put it anywhere.I thought I had Charlie to help me handle the love, but he left, too, because I was too much.I was holding the love within my heart behind ironclad walls until I met Cooper.He showed up every day and stayed until I removed the bricks from my walls myself.He gave me the strength to love again, but with more facets than sibling love.But he left too, just as quickly as Apollo did.But the more I think about it, I recognise that I need to heal from Apollo’s death and acknowledge that it is normal for me to be angry at him and let go of it.Maybe I can find it in my heart to forgive Cooper for making his decision.
Minutes pass by, and my eyes feel heavy; I feel exhausted.Right before I fall asleep, Mum and Appa leave a kiss on my forehead.
***
Iwake in the middleof the night, darkness surrounding me and a blanket on top of me.I move the blanket from underneath and leave my bed.It’s finally time to do something that I have avoided for years.
I try my best not to make too much noise while leaving my room, and I stand in front of Apollo’s room door.This is the first time since his passing that I am prepared to face whatever is behind this door.The memory of Apollo sleeping on his bed while I closed the door behind me and left for my room flashes in my mind; it is the last time I saw him in this room, the last time I saw him alive.
I take in a deep breath and pull down the handle until it clicks.I push through the door and flick on the light switch on the wall.The room comes alive, and so does the memory of Apollo.His room smells exactly like his cologne, and it looks exactly like how I last saw it.It has been cleaned, but things are still placed exactly where he had them – the acoustic guitar on the wall, the overflowing bookshelf with books layered in two rows and the trinkets on his desk.The room is suspended in time, but it is missing its owner.
I knew to expect that his room would be the same and untouched, but the reality of it came in like a tsunami.When my parents came to help me move to Cologne all those years ago, they called me in to talk.Appa brought up the topic of what to do with Apollo’s room.It had been four and a half years, and he was the only person who had been inside the room after Apollo passed.He knew how much pain it brought Mum and me, and so he wanted to get our opinions on what to do with it.He suggested renovating it, moving Apollo’s things into a storage space.But I had immediately broken down; I wasn’t ready to let him go.It wasn't right that the room would be scraped clean of Apollo’s essence.We all concluded – until we were ready to say goodbye, we would leave his room as it is.However long that takes us.
I have to pause to take a minute because the feeling of loss envelops me entirely.I walk through every part of his room, letting my fingers pass over them, to feel it be real underneath my touch – to know that he existed once and that I haven’t made him up in my head.I open his closet and run my hand through his shirt, and I am hit with a stronger scent of his cologne.I lift the guitar from the wall and sit on the floor, positioning it properly on my lap.I strum a few strings and listen to it wake up.Apollo’s voice follows suit in my head.My ears are bleeding, Loony.At least let me give you proper lessons.
It hurts being reminded of how well he used to play.He created some of my most favourite songs.I breathe in deep once more.1 2 3, exhale slowly, 1 2 3 4.I mentally capture every single corner of this room so that I can commit it to memory for the next set of years, before I can come in here again.I walk over to the bookshelf, tilting my head sideways to read the titles, and I remember howPercy Jacksonwas his favourite series of books, even at twenty-two.
I flip through his battered yet well-loved copy ofThe Lightning Thief,and a blink of a white sheet catches my eye.My eyebrows crease, and I riffle through the pages more slowly this time.A piece of white paper folded in half is tucked into the middle of the book.I take it out of the book and flip it to look for any label.My name is written across one of the folded sides.
My head spins, and I have to sit down.I walk a few steps and sit with a soft thud on the bed.I open the letter quickly; if not this way, I will never be able to deal with it.
Hi Loony,
Wow, all it took was for me to die for you to finally pick up my favourite book series, huh?Even after all the nagging.
‘What an ass,’ I say out loud to the room.
I didn’t want to leave this letter in an obvious place because I want you to be in the right state of mind when you read this.
‘I hope this fits your expectations.’My throat cracks at the end of the sentence.A bitter anger was rising through me.
