I knew something was wrong before I walked into the room. Time stopped when I finally pushed the door wide open. Nothing could’ve prepared me for what I saw.
Blood on the wall. His body slumped on the couch. The guitar still in his lap, his lucky pick on the floor along with the gun.
I dropped to my knees and screamed.
A piercing sound startles me. Shit. It’s me. I’m on my knees again, screaming and crying like I did that day. I toss the guitar aside and press my palms to my face. The guilt I’ve been pushing away surges forward again, swallowing me whole. I should’ve known. I knew he wasn’t okay, but I let him convince me he was good enough. I knew he was fucking lying through his teeth, but I didn’t push the way I should have. I thought I had time, thought he’d come around and tell me what was worrying him.
I was a fucking idiot.
My friend, my bandmate, committed suicide. I should have done more. I should have been able to stop him.
“Fuck,” I whisper, wiping away tears with the back of my hand.
The suffocating guilt never leaves me alone. It’s always lurking under the surface, but it’s especially bad on days when I feel like total shit. Like today.
I force myself to take a few deep breaths.In and out. In and out. Breathe.
My phone buzzes on the coffee table, and I grab it like it’s a lifeline. Maybe it is, because it’s Piper calling, and there’s a good chance Hunter is with her.
I swipe to answer, and there they are, side by side on the couch in their living room in Santa Clara. Piper’s blonde hair is pulled into a messy bun on top of her head. She’s dressed in a pastel pink T-shirt, while Hunter is shirtless, both wearing relieved smiles.Fuck. Thatboth warms my heart and makes me incredibly anxious. I don’t want them to worry about me.
Hunter lets out a dry chuckle. “Look who’s finally taking calls.”
I sit up straighter so I don’t look like I just clawed my way out of a breakdown. “I didn’t expect your call until tomorrow.”
“Riley said she stopped by,” Piper says. “Thanks for not ignoring her, I guess.”
I purse my lips. “She should’ve told you no.”
“But she didn’t.” My best friend gives me a chastising look. “Ry worked today, and she has an early class tomorrow, but she still stopped in to check on you. She cares about you. We all do.”
The ever-present guilt settles in my chest, making it hard to breathe. As if I don’t feel miserable enough already.
I nod. “I’m sorry, really. Just… Some days are hard, and I don’t want to burden you with my shit.”
“We’re family, Hade,” Piper says, leaning in closer. “We’re always here for you, whatever you need. Me, Hunter, even Ry. Please stop shutting us out.”
A strange combination of affection and remorse swirls inside me. “That means a lot. I love you guys. I promise, I’ll do better.”
While they fill me in on what Story and Hudson are up to and talk about their plans for the weekend, I force myself to stay engaged, asking questions when expected, making silly jokes to prove I’m okay. They only let me end the call after I promise to text more often and to not set my phone on silent when I’m at home. But before the call is over, my mind’s already elsewhere. When Hunter brought up Riley again, near the end of the conversation, all my focus shifted to her.
The way she stood in my living room with her hands on her hips, like she was ready to show me her famous left hook, but she still sat and talked to me.
My heart clenches when I recall how her face fell when she told me about that finance guy. A married fucker with a kid. I really hoped this guy would be a good one. She deserves a man who treats her well. Her dating stories make my blood boil, make me want to hunt down every asshole who has ever hurt her.
What I hate even more is that she thinks she’s the problem, like she’s doing something wrong and that’s why she can’t meet a man worthy of her.
It’s bullshit.
She’s smart, funny, kind, and while I don’t allow myself to think about her in that way, she’s gorgeous. I’m not the only one who notices how stunning she is. I’ve seen guys checking her out more than once. She’s perfect. I only wish she could see that.
As that thought loops through my brain, I pick up my phone again. I vaguely remember her saying she teaches at that little studio on Broome Street. I could show up tomorrow, just for a few minutes, to say hi. Bring coffee. Do something to cheer her up after that disaster with the finance guy.
And maybe becauseIneed her, or at least the distraction.
Making her see what an amazing woman she is could definitely bring me good karma. Plus, it’s a reason for me to leave this place. One more reason to live a little.
Riley is probably the only person who doesn’t walk on eggshells around me these days, who isn’t afraid to scold me and put me in my place. She even managed to make me laugh after I spent the whole day brooding.
