For the first time in a long time, I know, deep down, that everything’s going to be okay.
Christmas comes and goes, and before I know it, it’s nearly New Year’s. Aiden and I have been able to bond in a way we never have before, and we’ve both gotten to know Keira, who we absolutely adore. Being here with Dad and Brigid has been amazing I do miss Mom and wish she was with us - even though that’d probably be hella awkward.
I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself. I went back to the support group with Aiden, and it's actually been good. It took some getting used to. Aiden and I have made a promise to each other to call and talk things out whenever things seem to get hard instead of escaping reality. We’ve been getting closer than even Dad and I and I couldn't be more grateful. I’ve been digging, trying to learn more about his love life, but he’s still as tight lipped as ever. Regardless, I’ve made it my goal to help him with it eventually.
I’ve also been able to talk to my friends and have kept them updated on my progress, and they’re all been so supportive. I haven’t mentioned Zander to them, and none of them have brought him up either.
I wish he was here. We’ve continued to text each other everyday, and I still miss him like crazy. Things seem to be warming up between us, but it’s taken time and it’s almost like we’re getting to know each other all over again. I am grateful that it feels like we’re headed in the right direction.
It makes me feel like there’s a real chance for us yet.
The only dark cloud over my life right now is my increasing worry that I could actually be pregnant. My nausea hasn’t gone away, and I’ve actually gotten sick a couple of times. I can’t continue to blame it on trying to get used to Irish food or whatever, and I feel fine otherwise, so it’s not the flu or anything.
But, I’m on birth control. I wouldn’t have let Zander fuck me raw if I wasn’t. The nagging thought won’t let up so one day, while everyone else is out of the house, I grab my packets of pills and check to make sure I didn’t skip any on accident. I count the pills I have left and check the date when my prescription was last filled, and… oh. Oh, fuck.
I did miss a day. Thinking back, I realize it was around the time I was so mad at Zander before Thanksgiving. Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit!
Grabbing my wallet, I hurry out of the house and to a nearby chemist - pharmacy - to get a pregnancy test. Locking myself in the bathroom, I dutifully pee on the stick and wait the three minutes for the results. Sitting on the toilet, my knees bounce nervously as I will the alarm on my phone to fucking go off already. When it does, I snatch the test off the counter.
Two pink lines.
Two… two pink lines. That’s positive, isn’t it?
Fuuuuuuuuck. Fuck, fuck fuck!
What do I do? My mind is scrambling and I’m at a total loss as panic seizes me. My first thought is that I want my mom. She’s always been the person I turn to when I’m facing down a crisis, and I don’t think I’ve ever faced one as big as this. I fumble for my phone and quickly dial my mom’s number.
She answers after two rings.
“Hi, sweetie! How are things going?”
“Mom… ” I whimper.
“Rylee?” Her tone instantly shifts to one of concern. “Sweetheart, is everything okay?”
“Mom,” I gasp. “I… I’m pregnant.”
She doesn’t say anything for several painful moments, then says, “It’s going to be okay, baby. I promise.”
Her calm response catches me off-guard. She’s always had such high expectations for me - always taught me to be responsible for myself and to not be stupid, especially when it comes to men. I half-expected her to actually lecture me about how careless and reckless I’ve been, so I’m surprised by this unexpectedly supportive reaction.
“I don’t know what to do,” I sob.
“Well, before you do anything else… do you want this baby?”
Blinking, I don’t answer for several seconds. It’s the most basic question in this situation, but I honestly haven’t even thought about it yet. I’ve been freaking out too badly.
DoI want this baby? I wasn’t sure if I really wanted kids or not, but now that the possibility is right here in my face… do I want to be a mom?
To Zander’s child?
Yes… yes, I do. Oh, God, I want this baby!
“I do,” I whisper, choking on my words. “I do want it.”
“All right, then. We’ll figure this out.”
Why is she going so easy on me?
