Because I was hurt and didn’t want to feel anything. “Because I wanted to numb myself to the pain Zander caused me when we got in a fight.”
“Exactly.” She lets out a long breath, her shoulders slumping. “You were drinking to numb yourself, trying to escape your real life for a little while, but sweetheart, life… it never gets easier. It’s hard. People struggle, even with true love to guide them. I want you to think long and hard about this, and consider that you may need some help. You need to face your problems head on, because Rylee, how can Zander love you, truly love you, if you don’t love yourself?”
When she finishes, I can only stare at her for several long moments. She’s unloaded so much so quickly, that I’m struggling to process it all, but what I do understand is that things between her and Dad were far more complicated than I ever imagined.
And Zander… oh Zander… what have I done?
Something inside me snaps and I can’t hold it together anymore. I let out a sob as tears stream down my face. Mom leans toward me with open arms and I fall into them. I’m so angry at her, but I also need her comfort. She holds me tight, running a hand through my hair as she coos soft, comforting words.
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” she whispers. “It’s okay, just cry. I’m so sorry, my baby girl. So terribly sorry.”
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think. It’s like everything I thought I knew about my life has just been shattered, and I don’t know how to pick the pieces back up.
How can I ever get Zander to forgive me? How can I explain myself and my messed up background when I don’t understand it myself?
We stay like this for long moments until I’m gasping for breath and shuddering against her. Eventually, I manage to lift my head and meet her gaze.
“I need time to think,” I insist. “I need time to let this all sink in.”
She nods. “Yes, of course.”
Grabbing my hand, she gives it a gentle squeeze. “Why don’t you go get dressed? I think we’re in need of some breakfast and retail therapy. It’ll give you time to relax and clear your head. How does that sound?”
I blink, my heart heavy, but then I nod. “Okay. We can do that. I’ll be right back.”
Standing, I continue to smile at her as I hurry out of the kitchen and back to my room. Once the door shuts behind me, I don’t get ready to go out. Instead, I move to sit on the edge of my bed and drop my head into my hands.
A million thoughts are rushing through my head. My Mom, my Dad… Zander.
What Mom said about her father…
My mind races as I recall every time I pushed away any guy I’ve been with, testing them, to see if they were worth it. Perfect. If they would fight for me. Zander is the only man who’s always been worth it and now I don’t know if he will ever forgive me.
I need to figure out a way to fix this. Even if he doesn't want to see me. Even if he never forgives me. I need to fix the hurt I’ve caused him, and I need him to know how sorry I am.
How this all started… with my dad. Of what I thought about him. I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. I wish I’d known the truth. I wouldn’t have pushed Dad away all these years. We could’ve had a real relationship.
Raising my head, I know what I have to do. If I’m going to start the healing process, I need to dig into the source of my pain.
Grabbing my phone, I suck in a deep breath, gather my courage, and dial my dad’s number.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE: SABOTAGE
RYLEE
“I’m justglad you’re all right! When you left Denver and we couldn’t reach you, I was worried something had happened.”
I wince at Grace’s anxious tone over the phone. After getting of the phone with Dad, I called up Grace, who pulled the rest of the girls in on a conference call.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur. “I was just freaking out and needed to get away… ”
“I mean, we get it, really we do,” Skyler sighs. “But a proof of life text would’ve been nice.”
“I know,” I groan. “It was really shitty of me to leave you guys in the dark.”
“How are you doing?” Stacey asks, thankfully moving the subject away from my total asshat move.
“Awful,” I confess. “I broke Zander’s heart and I have to try and fix things. I have to make it right.”
