Because I’m falling for him.
“I know,” I reply softly. “I’m just being irrational.” Despite wanting to be honest with him, I can’t in good conscience tell him why that still bothers me. Not when nothing can come of it.
“Ken…”
“Nope.” I shake my head. “Let’s just drop it, okay? I want to find out if they’re going to do something about the tension between Mystic and Beltane or not.”
“You know as well as I do that they’ll drag it out until the season finale,” he huffs, but finally bends to pick up the remote.
We settle in to watch, and the tension between us does seem to have lessened, but there’s still a distance between us —figuratively and literally— that wasn’t there last week.
He’s dating Brad now, I remind myself.You have to settle for friendswithoutbenefits from now on.
I tell myself that’s better than nothing.
And now I’m lying to myself.
Great.
Chapter Fourteen
“I’m telling you,” I insist to Sylvia as I pace the length of her kitchen while she makes us coffees, “I think…I think he was jealous. No, that’s not the right word,” I mutter, trying to voice the thoughts that have been bouncing around my head since last night. “But, like, I think maybe…maybe he wants to be more than friends.”
“And you’re sure he wasn’t just pissed because you’re friends who fuck—”
“We haven’t actually fucked.” I try not to sound as devastated by this as I am. I feel like I had my chances, and I blew (quite literally, in some cases) each and every one, and now that I’m going to try dating someone else, I’ll never know what it’s like to reallybewith Ken.
“Hon.” Syl sighs and sets her French press down. “You’ve been exchanging orgasms for weeks. With or without penetration, you’ve been fucking him.”
Well. I don’t hate that assessment. In fact, it kind of helps dissolve some of my lingering disappointment that I’ll neverknow what it’s like to feel Ken inside me…or to feel what it’s like to be inside him, if that’s his preference.
We’ve never even spoken about his preferences, come to think about it.
The disappointment that I’ve lost that opportunity, too, seems to sink deep into my gut, and I sigh. There’s nobody to blame for this mess but myself.
“Fine,” I admit. “Get to your point, then.”
“Are you sure he wasn’t just hurt that he had to hear it from your dad and not from you, the friend in question? Especially because you’re fucking?”
The thing is, I’ve spent so much time with Ken lately that I like to think I can read him. He’s always open and honest and expressive. But last night? He was not. He was keeping something back, and for a moment —the briefest moment— I was sure I saw something wholly relatable in his expression: the same mix of fear and longing which hits me any time I think about him discovering my feelings for him.
But when I tried to subtly discuss it, he shut me down emphatically.
I know better than to push someone who really doesn’t want to talk about an issue, so I backed off.
But after he left, I decided that letting it go was a mistake.
“I’m sure,” I insist, accepting the mug of coffee from her, liberally laced with creamer and sugar just the way I like it. “I can’t explain it, Syl, but…” I follow her out of the kitchen and into her living room, carefully sitting down on the couch beside her. “If I’m right —and I’m pretty sure I am— what the hell do I do?”
Syl arches her eyebrows at me as she sips delicately at her mug of caffeinated goodness. “Code, I think you know the answer to that already.”
I’ve never been in this kind of situation before. Brad’s a nice guy who seems genuinely interested in dating, not just hooking up. But, while he might tick all the boxes of the kind of guy I was looking for…he’s not Ken.
Really, even if Kenisn’tinterested in being more than FWBs, it’s still not fair of me to go out with Brad on Valentine’s Day, because my heart wouldn’t be in it anyway. Why should I lead the poor guy on any more than I already have?
“I have to tell Brad it’s not going to happen, don’t I?” I ask, glumly. I hate the idea of letting anyone down, or of hurting their feelings. But it’s better than wasting his time or continuing to let him think I’m interested in him.
“An office romance wasn’t a great idea anyway,” Syl says, attempting to cushion the blow.
