By the time he returned to the couch, he had things under control again. He handed her the glass and sat with his back to the armrest, one bent leg resting on the cushion between them, one foot on the floor.
Hopefully the position appeared casual, and not like the shield it was meant to be.
“So, what’s your favorite color?” she asked, tucking both feet under her to face him sideways.
“You sure you don’t want to know my sign first?” he teased. At her head shake, he said, “Red.”
“Truly?”
“Yeah, it’s not a joke on my hair, I just like how much energy red has, how vibrant it is. It’s powerful.”
“A lot like you.”
He stared at her, something warm and inconvenient flowing through him. She was like a sledgehammer, knocking down all the walls he’d built for his protection. “Is that how you see me?”
She nodded. “Strong, energetic, caring, honorable…”
He took a sip of his hot drink, hiding from her. He suddenly felt raw and naked—not in a good way—unsure what to do with all of these foreign feelings swirling inside him. He couldn’t let her see how much she affected him.
Without meaning to he’d let her become the greatest distraction, welcoming the respite from the mess of their lives, but deep down knowing that it cost him. “Do you want to watch TV?”
She shook her head, a small frown pulling her lips down at the corners, twisting his heart into knots. “I’m exhausted. I think I’m ready for bed.” Her voice wasn’t coy, just matter-of-fact and rife with fatigue.
His own weariness hit him then. They’d been operating on adrenaline and extreme emotion for days now and the sudden sense of security—whether warranted or not—had his body shutting down, begging for rest. “Okay. Sleep would be a good idea.” The calm before the storm. “Tomorrow’s going to be busy.”
Two hours later, Todd lay beside her in the double bed, his eyes still wide open. He was tired, but all the contingencies, all the what-ifs, were circling through his mind on repeat.
Lindsey rolled to face him, nothing more than an outline and a ghost of her face. “Can’t sleep?”
“Not sure why. I can usually crash anywhere.”
“I’m the opposite. Normally, everything has to be perfect. I even use a white noise machine to block out traffic sounds.” She ducked her head as if embarrassed. “For some reason I’ve slept better the last two nights with you, despite everything. I feel safe with you.”
Her words made him want to pull her close and never let go. Instead, if she felt for him even half of what he felt for her, he was going to break her heart tomorrow. “And yet now that we’re in a safe place”—probably—“you can’t sleep.”
She sighed. “I can’t stop thinking about tomorrow. There are too many unanswered questions, so many scenarios that could play out. My brain is a nightmare in these kinds of circumstances. I can’t turn it off.” She made a self-deprecating sound. “I waste a lot of time spinning on things that I shouldn’t have bothered to worry about. The voice in my head never shuts up.”
He stroked her shoulder, unable to keep his hands off. “If youweren’tdoing that right now, I’d worry that you were a psychopath or something.”
She laughed, easing a bit of the knot the base of his neck. The silence stretched between them until she whispered, “If by some chance we don’t go to prison, do you think we’ll see each other again? After tomorrow, I mean.”
Todd rose onto one elbow and looked down at her. He managed to muzzle the discouraging reply on the tip of his tongue. A hard-won feat. He wanted so badly to reassure her, to lie to her and say that he would do whatever it took for them to explore this thing between them. But he hesitated too long, unable to conjure the words that she seemed to want.
She rolled to her back, eyes glistening as she stared up at the ceiling. “Wow, okay. I know we didn’t make any promises, but I thought maybe…” Her hand flapped in the air. “Guess I’d better start getting used to that idea now.”
He reached for her. “Lindsey—”
“No.” The sharp response made him drop his hand. “I’ve already told you, your honesty is one of the things I like most about you. I wouldn’t trade that for some false words of comfort.”
His chest tightened as he lay down on his side facing her. “I want to be able to say yes, but I can’t.” He wanted to say yes more than he’d wanted anything his entire life.
“Can you tell me why, though? You can be brutally honest. If this was simply a fling because we were together, something you could never see doing in your real life… If I’m not really your type…”
He cleared his throat, trying to ease the vise clamped around his vocal cords. “I think you’re more my type than any woman I’ve ever known.” He pushed on, ignoring her soft gasp. “But there’s a very real possibility that at least one of us is going to prison.”
She inhaled, but he continued on before she could speak. “And even if we both skate out of this, I’ve put down roots in Virginia. That’s something I haven’t had since I joined the Air Force. The people at Steele are more than coworkers, they’re like family. I’ve bought a house, I’m taking on new responsibilities at work, and I have a lot to make up for with Jason.” If his friend would let him. “I already abandoned him to chase down Pete. I can’t do it again.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. Why was it so hard to explain? “Maybe that doesn’t sound like much, but to me, it’s everything.”
“No, I understand,” she said with a sigh. “My roots in LA are so deep they probably tap the aquifers. Most of my family is there, all of my friends, my business.”
